aww. I didn't know if this was sad, or sweet, or bitter-sweet or sentimental or comedic or just a crazy ass mix of all. Perhaps it is the mix. That's what makes me like it. I do love poetry and I do love this. Although... butt doesn't rhyme with chew... your couplets switch they order at the end, but I didn't mind, not really. How can one get finicky with technical detail when it's such a delightful piece.
I knew... I knew from the beginning what this story was about. I'm not entirely sure how I knew, whether it was the horror rating combined with a weirdo cooking meat that lead to an early on conclusion or whether they way you wrote it just gave it that edge. Either way I knew what it was and as I moved on I just wanted it to continue more and more, and you delivered in every gory gruesome and cruel way. I was left deliciously satisfied with this piece even though he got his comeuppance. Great work!
I'm reviewing this as part of the Let's Publish Group.
I loved your first staza. If you could reword it somehow it would make a great hiaku on it's own. I'm not suggesting you do this as I love the rest of the poem, but it's just a thought I had.
There was a section in the middle that wasn't as crisp as the rest of the writing. I had to reread it a couple of times before I could get my head around it.
Slouching in the arm chair
with arms crossing its chest
wishing it were the rain,
apart of the fear in the storm
which breathes so violently
down upon our backs
when they're turned to past
hiding from the ones who've hurt us.
This whole section could use some tightening up to clarify what you intend for the reader to see/understand.
I loved the canary, whether he's real or simply symbolic. I felt joy and sadness at the same time when imagining a little creature singing all alone in spite of it's loneliness.
My favourite line:
"His skin bunched in wickedly deep wrinkles across his small face"
you are very good at conjuring up vivid images in the readers mind. I find myself having a quiet resolve as I read through. However I was slightly disappointed by the ending. I wanted much more explaination of what the man was thinking about. Some little insight into his thoughts would have pleased me greatly.
Also I'm not sure about the word "Passersby". If it is a real word in existance then I don't like it much to be honest.
Overall I liked this story and feel you could expand on it.
Well done!
I loved this little journey. I found your vivid imagery quite astute and felt a warm glow inside when I read it.
If I had to be critical i would question the use of the word "uncanny" for describing the orange glow of the sun. It just didn't sit right in my mind. Also you have misspelled the word professional
My favourite line:
"The pencil he uses moves delicately across the paper, leaving line after line of gently rolling script."
I can certainly relate to this lovely image, and I am sure most writers here will agree!
A lovely short, keep up the good work!
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