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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/afaith/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
677 Public Reviews Given
678 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and methodical.
I'm good at...
Short stories; grammar.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy and Action
Least Favorite Genres
Horror and Melodrama
Favorite Item Types
Under 5k words.
Least Favorite Item Types
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I will not review...
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Public Reviews
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Review by A*Monaing*Faith
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

*Reading* Initial hook: interesting set up, can't tell much without knowing the full background story of the Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon but interesting none the less

*Pencil* Storyline: a creepy van carts two people to Notre Dame to be burned at the stake

*Tiedye4* Characters: Mr. Jumpsuit, the anarchist that sets the priest and 2nd person on fire; the two burned at the stake; Andre and the Chicago businessman who tried to help

*Home* Setting: Seine Isle, Paris France, two years in the future

*Butterflyb* Atmosphere/Tone: regular day until all heck breaks loose and some psycho makes a statement by burning a priest in front of Notre Dame

*Telephone* Dialogue: Andre speaks in french, which was a bit odd, I appreciate the use of the language but it would probably flow better to approach it differently

*Suitheart* What I liked: I want to know who orchestrated this event, this makes me curious enought to read on.

*Tools* A few suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

*BulletG* of which construction began in 1200 by Bishop Eudes de Sully and was eventually finished shortly after 1240...built as the Parisian church of the kings of Europe,...the precise center of Paris,...the large rose created in 1225 at the center of the facade.
There seems to be a lot of erroneous data thrown in. A history buff's delight, but a general readers nightmare, information overload! If the details are somehow pertinent to the story, how about waiting to introduce them closer to the related point or scene in the story?

*BulletB* On impact, the trailer burst into flames catching the unsuspecting passerby’s surprised. A mid-forties man pointed to it telling his wife and son it must be some type of demonstration or show.
On impact, the trailer burst into flames, catching unsuspecting passerbys unawares. A man in his mid-forties pointed and told his wife and son it must be some type of demonstration or show.

*BulletR* The crowd had grown to over 40 rushing to their aid,
The crowd grew as others rushed to their aid,

*BulletV* Andre, over six foot tall and in his twenties, “Ils sont en vie!” they’re alive in French
Andre, over six foot tall and in his twenties, “Ils sont en vie!” they’re alive


A few parting comments...
I enjoy the concept, continue working on writing style and minimizing details unless they are central to the current story/plot. Also beware of story gaps, like what happened to Mr. Jumpsuit, did he run away and leave the van along with the trailer?


Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
This Has Been A Review By: AFaith A WDC Power Reviewer


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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252
Review of Master  
Review by A*Monaing*Faith
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Interesting. Definately a poem I need to read a few times to cultivate a possible meaning.

Content/Theme: the speaker falls in love with the recipient and is scared by this notion, they attempt to flee but cannot escape their feelings

Characters: just the speaker and intended recipient

Setting: n/a

Atmosphere/tone: not necessarily 'sad', perhaps a tad morose, but I feel that the speaker learned something from the experience and it's my hope that maybe they will be a better person for it

A few suggestions I had: "I fear of what you might do before them" Sounds like this line was just thrown together for sake of the "gem" rhyme. Who is "them"? The next stanza gives us a glimpse, perhaps "them" is an unknown audience that the speaker was humiliated in front of?

I like how "when you claim/Life after life" could be connected, you can leave this up to interpretation but if you want the reader to definately make the connection I suggest use of punctuation in the last stanza

Good job on a great read!

** Image ID #1578663 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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253
Review by A*Monaing*Faith
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: O wow, very cryptic yet telling. I really want to know what "it" is specifically.

Storyline: This is a reflective piece, the speaker is contemplating the effects of gaining the world. From the sound of it the speaker didn't handle his gifts too well.

Characters: Our main character is an unnamed individual, which makes it the perfect prototype for anyone's life.

Setting: reflective so in the mind, though I think it's safe to assume the speaker is an Earthling

Atmosphere/tone: reflective, regretful, sad, defeatist

A few suggestions I had: general commas and edits could make the piece flow better, for example: "Defeated and weary I coveting it not" perhaps should read "Defeated and weary, I coveted it not"

Overall great job! *Bigsmile*
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254
Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This just keeps getting more and more exciting! Love the idea of the Elders being featureless. Kind of creepy, but makes total sense.
Also love the fact that you have to pass through hell to get there.
Are you familiar with Trudi Canavan? The way the beams 'talk' and boast about their accomplishments reminds me of how she described the use of magic construction in her Black Magician series.
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Review of That's you  
Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: E | (5.0)
LOVE IT! this is very much similar to my writing style AND it speaks to a current situation I kind of find myself in, muchos kudos

tip for improvement: just stick with the flow, the fact that poetry is subjective and doesn't have to follow a certain standard is my saving grace when I try my hand at it, but it still helps any piece to have a steady flow, it kind of falters a bit at the third stanza,
looking again I see you followed AAAA AAAA ABAB and once I get the rhythm I think maybe the 3rd stanza with the two "by/bye"'s bothers me more *shrug*

Either way, awesome poem, keeping this as a favorite!
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Review of The Sound  
Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Woooow, very....interesting. I love the overall premise: random sound causes all sorts of havoc and grief tantamount to over the top slapstick funny British type humour. But the tone of the ...can you call him a protagonist? life is just SO sad. Everyone laughs at him and makes fun of him, his Dad doesn't seem to like him very much and from what I could tell he seemed like a decent guy.

*shrug* guess if you enjoy defeatist type dark humour it's a sure winner.

I can see this as a 90 minute indie film, good stuff.
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Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yay! I love new characters and Vero seems fun! Very Yoda meets Friar Tuck-ish....

"We must embrace humanity for all of its imperfections and sorrow, just as humanity embraces these memories of perfection, harmony and oneness into their subconscious self. Spirit and body have permanently tainted each other since the beginning of the Cycle," he pointed to Zarad's core, "just as that purple mark paints your green core."
Ooooook, maybe I'm just not advanced enough but this passage confused me. I'm pretty sure it confused Zarad as well so I'm hoping it will be explained more later. After I triple read, it kind of makes more sense: Spirit taints the body by embracing imperfections/sorrow, Body taints spirit by embracing perfection/harmony/oneness? But how can embracing perfection 'taint' something? I guess I'm thinking too typical as in "to taint" is bad, but I guess it doesn't have to be. All that being explained....still not sure why Z has the purple mark, though there is a bit of foreshadowing about "Restoration Specialists" so guess I'll just wait to find out!

Also think it's interesting that one of the first things we learn about Vero is that "His skin glowed a light purple, signifying his ascension into the rank of Spirit Guides." Makes me think that Z is on the first rung of the ladder to ascension himself!
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Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awww, it's so sad but so...so...poignant! I LOVE how nice and understanding the soldier is, it makes the reader even more annoyed and angry at the recipient! Like how you stumbled "Sweetheart" "Honey" and "Sweetie", like a bitter love sandwich...I would love to read a response poem from her.
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Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wooow, very powerful. Lovely story concept.

No real criticisms on this entry, just an opinion, hate how mean Aloli seems to be from the beginning. It's hard to like her when the first thing we know about her is that she enslaved her soul mate and was apparently cruel to him. The slavery part itself is fine, it was the 1200s but she didn't have to force Zarad into anything. Then she comes across as the weaker one when Zarad surprasses her. She automatically angry and scared where as Zarad is confused and sad.

Like I said, just an opinion, I prefer nicer females, hopefully her character evolves.
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Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: E | (4.0)
So excited to join this group! Only given 5 reviews so far but I already see the benefits to myself. Not only do I get to help others I have more of an incentive to read stories and genres I wouldn't necessarily pick up off the bookstore or library shelves.
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Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very interesting story concept. Did you purposefully withhold the information that Branchrunners are sprite-like creatures? I like that.

Could use some heavy editing just to make the flow easier to read, had to stop and reread or slow my reading pace several times because tripped over excess or missing words.

Favorite line: The Mother and the Father liked to heap humiliation upon those who expose more than is their wonted share of pride, however. Ai'Liel had come to the conclusion that he had displayed just that, and wondered just how much meekness would be forced upon him, before this was over.
The word play was exquisite. Great use of "hubris" also.

Can't wait til Chapter 2!
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Review of Cleaning Day  
Review by A*Monaing*Faith
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Congrat's on winning the Writer's Cramp!

Love the story! I'm a sucker for fantasy.

2 cents: maybe would have used less detail to discuss the Hoopers and more on Jonas, perhaps a hint as to why his leg hurts whenever a demon is about to appear, or how long he had been on that particular job.

Hope to read more about Jonas' story some day!
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