I love memoir pieces. You have a lot of good raw material but I wish you would show me more of what you are seeing instead of telling me about it. A suggestion would be for every space you visit to show it to the reader very clearly like it is in that moment and then show us some incident in the past that happened that shows a little different view of the room...kind of like looking at an old person and then seeing a movie of them as a kid.
Wow some great material here. Perhaps expanding the story with some dialog and more description of the village, the farm, the process of collecting the leaves, etc.. to really sell the ending, I think it needs to be longer, we need to feel the impatience, the fear of this little person. I want to hear more of her/his inner thoughts, fears.
You've got a great start to a really poignant story here.
Thanks for posting it.
aggie
Great poem. Loved the pace and the creative idea behind it. Loved the two characters and the push and pull. The only critique I have is the last line...it just didn't satisfy...sorry I don't have any suggestions but it just isn't as strong as the rest of the peace...for me anyway.
A great poem for the beginning of a new year! Did you intend to use so many well-known metaphors? If you did, there's a playfulness about it but if you did not, that's something you might want to be cautious about doing too much. Using metaphors or phrases that are not so well-known would have more punch. Good work.
aggie
I really enjoyed this, though I didn't totally understand it as I'm not very familiar with goblins and peelers! The internal banter in her head, is it female?, was really brilliant. "That was peelers for you: the laws first, their lives second, and the people last of all." Actually, all the dialogue was right on, Smart and a thread of humor which I can't really put my finger on. Good work.
What a great story idea. Perhaps more time, dialogue when she's on the Ole Curiosity Shoppe? I really loved that part and it seems to be what everything leads up to and from...it went by too fast for me. I didn't quite get the significance of meeting the old lady on the Tram? Who was that woman and how does she tie in the Curiosity Shop...or does she? Also that all the stores were closed when she left, and how quickly she got shuffled out seemed to be hinting at something but I can't quite tell what. The ending is funny but I'd rather feel her complete disorientation a bit more. What then makes her laugh and call her husband? Is the old lady crossing the street the Curiosity Shoppe owner now old with a calico cat in her walker basket? Going back to the journal at that point as she discovers something ( the pages are empty, or filled with her day's adventures???just to tie it all together.
But truly what a great idea, great description and I'd read more of this story....
Wow! I don't know where to start...the small bits on each line really added to the feeling of what it is to live a life, especially a life with someone...and the loooong listing of those lines helps the reader to feel how hard you both tried. Wonderful poem! Thanks for sharing it....
“Trick or treat” they screeched. I could imagine (hear)them dancing back and forth, from foot to foot. "
"fistfuls of toxic (toxin) sugar treats"
" ripped the door open to four shining (shinning), little monster faces."
"“The costume is very enticing.” I would add ", came a voice from the dark behind the kids.
"I was suddenly very conscious be being alone in the dark with this stranger." you don't really need this as your description tells us this very well.
" it slid (slide) over my skin"
" I’d tasted the rum just that I had." the rum that I had just tasted.
"You could take a break from reality and you can be whoever" and you could be whoever...
Roses blooming outside on October 31st? Setting?
The last paragraph, description of the party seemed rushed to me. You might like to show more that went on instead of describing it...
Great beginning, great premise...I want to read more!
A great story! What I liked best is your choice of words "A broken beehive wouldn't have tempted us to move" and "most money I'd ever ... uh, earned." a lovely sense of humor breaks through. The burst out laughing is a great surprise, delightful...
Suggestions...the beginning is a bit extraneous to the real meat of the story in my opinion and you could probably cut it out. Maybe start with "San Antonio, Texas summer of '59" Every writing teacher I've ever had has said, "show, don't tell" so maybe you could try telling it from 3rd party perspective. " a small boy, not more than 5 was playing under the clothesline where his mother was hanging clothes..." etc.. Was it a hot day? Did the flowers smell? What did it feel like when the boy grabbed the flowers? etc...
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