In response you’re your request I’ve taken a look at this piece. Although I have to admit I did not enjoy this piece at all. In the beginning I thought it might be an interesting story. Because of how it starts, a tough guy doing a confessional letter like monologue. You have pieces of an interesting character but then you strangely switch and the story becomes more of a preaching session than anything else.
The first person point of view works in the beginning because he is talking about things that happened in his past but then you change to him telling what’s going on presently, even though the present time, in your story, lasts over 6 months.
If this is how you want to tell the story I think it would work better if you started with him, maybe actually writing a letter or talking to a councilor or someone directly. Then you can fade into third person POV to describe the rest of the scenes.
One thing you need to keep in mind is the characters voice. In the beginning he’s basically talking to the reader. So would the character really say things like “I turned out the light after one single tear streamed down my face. I drifted to sleep in a haze of confusion.”? I think not, especially not the tough-guy-gangster-druggie your character seems to be.
Also, let the story speak for itself. There is no need for the moral wrap-up at the end. If you write the story properly the reader will understand what you were trying to say with out you having to spell it out for them at the end.
In response to your request I've taken a look at your work.
The basic idea of this is intriguing. Going through a loved ones home after they had passed away, it can be an emotional experience, which you tried to portray. Mostly, you succeed but at the same time it felt as if you were trying to rush through the telling of this event. Sometimes you would slow down, look around and explain how the room smelled or what a thing felt like and those are the things I liked the most.
Basically, this just needs a good edit. Read it aloud or to a friend and notice where you stick and what flows easily. Hear the parts where you repeat yourself or where you didn’t say exactly what you meant.
I think if you work on, it a little bit, this story could really stand out.
Good Luck
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/akelsey
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 5:44am on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
