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for entry "Chapter 1: Old Dogs" 
Review by Alchemic
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You have a great story here and you are doing a very good job keeping the audience intrigued. One thing I see you overdoing though is using the format "He said, she said he did, she did." To better explain this if you look through this piece you will notice you start almost every sentence with someone's name followed by what they did. Its more of a report of what happened instead of a story. I would suggest thinking of some new ways to tell what happens instead of saying He did this and He said that. For example:

"Julius felt a cold slap of moisture-soaked wind hit him. He suppressed a shiver. The skies would be unleashing their toxic rain soon, it would probably be better to take Daryl inside before it came down.

He was about to take Daryl in when he noticed a sudden bustle of activity from the base. People were scattering in different directions, and a large group began spilling out from the barracks.

Julius took a step closer to the edge of the peak and leaned forward to get a better look. Something was happening. The sound of the air raid siren reaching his ears confirmed it."

In the second paragraph you don't need to repeat that he needed to take Daryl inside since you stated it in the paragraph before. Maybe you could start the second paragraph with something like "Turning, he noticed a sudden..." Or "As he motioned for Daryl to follow he noticed a sudden..."

I hpoe you understand what I mean, I am horrible at trying to explain what is in my head, lol. You story is great, I just think the format in which you are telling it could use some tweaks. Otherwise, great job! I intend to keep reading. :)
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