This was a good read. I however didn't feel the remorse you felt for Carrie. Where i'm from spanking children is a routine, so the picture of her getting beat didn't go deep into my heart. However it did make me think about spanking my kids. Just because my community believes in spanking by any means necessary, doesn't mean I have to do it too. Thanks for filling me with that insight.
This poem would work better if you broke it down into stanzas. It would flow a little more. Here's what I suggest: Everything denoted in red I think should be changed
I have pills in my hand
A glass of water in the other.
I remember those times.
I hate these days.
You couldn't put the bottle down
Or that box of cigaretts.
You didn't know you needed help
And you still don't.
I remember that horrid bottle that tore us apart
As the pills crawl down my throat.
This situation that kills me inside
You brought upon yourself.
This kills me as we ride to the hospital
With you strapped on the ambulance.
The ride doesn't seem so bad when
The pills reach my stomache and flow through my blood.
I recall how you don't leave me alone.
I'm forced to seclution as i cry myself to sleep.
You're not TOO bad though.
I still love you i guess.
I don't like you.
I can't help you when I HAVE tried.
Do you love me still?
I gave up. . .on you.
The pills have reached my heart, my head.
Maybe this was a mistake.
Maybe this was a mis. . .
don't should be did not
seclution should be seclusion
the line that starts with 'I don't like you down to do you love me still' should be deleted. It's not necessary
the last line should read Maybe this was a ... it's too late.
For several years of my life that was me. I sometimes still hide behind a grin today. It's so true. Keep on writing. I only have a few suggestions for you. I think you should add an s in face, make it plural and change But to Cause or Because.
I'm sorry for your lost. I pray that your mother will be okay and not grieve everyday like the first time it hit her. I'm glad you emphasize the good parts of your Dad and not the negative aspects of him. He seems like he was a great man. Your family is strong and I know you'll get through this grief day by day.
Oh my... now don't you feel a little better. That was well written. It was so suspenseful. I loved it! When ever I have something on my mind I write it down, then it all seem better. It simply disappears or the feelings fade slowly. I know exactly what you mean. My last love, I search for him everyday, and wonder if he does the same. Though I am married with children I wished I never said no to Him. I wished I never said my good byes, but I did. I have a whole section dedicated to him in my port. When I write about Him the feelings slowly fades. But until I forever forget Him, I will still look in the other cart on the train wishing and hoping that I might see him again.
There were no confusion there. You explain thoroughly what a pantoum is and with that, I was able to write my own pantoum. I love learning about different forms of poetry. I can't quite say that I like this form(repetition is not my thing), but I can say I enjoyed writing it. Thanks.
A few suggestions for you; In the first paragraph, second to last sentence you should write ' himself to die' rather than 'his life to die' or maybe say ' his life to end'.
The paragraph that starts with 'You can't escape death...' you wrote 'He'd sigh and continue the journey for the meaning for his life', replace "'d" and add an 'ed' to sigh and 'for' to 'of'. It should read, 'He signed and continue the journey for the meaning of his life'.
In the fifth paragragh you should add a comma after shivered.
At one point in the story you describe the 'boy' as 'soldier' and the 'assisin' as 'boy'. that kind of confuse the story. You should not call the two characters the same name. Stick with one word for the assissin to diffentiate them.
Besides those errors it was a great read. I enjoyed the read and you maintains my attention. It was very descriptive, keep on writing.
I think this needs alot of work. The idea behind it is good but some improvements are needed. Expand a little bit more on the subject. What you wrote sounds more like a rough draft or just ideas for writing a great poem. Go back see what improvements can be made. Don't be discourage by my review I know you have it in you to make it great. Keep on writing. An editor told me once "the way to improve your writing is by writing something everyday, anything at all"
Beautifully written. Kenny is an American hero to many. God bless his soul and courage thaty he had. Thanks for sharing this heartfelt poem. Well written.
Heartfelt and beautifully written. It almost made me cry because I know the exact emotions that you felt. The love that words can't explain. The love that builds day after day. The anticipation of that day when you will see your beautiful baby for the first time. Good work speaking straight from the heart.
Good. The last paragraph, last sentence, i think you need to remove the first came. Also 'she' is written too many times. Just my opinion, everyone has them, some are bigger than others. Otherwise it's a good piece that speaks to the reader vividly. Thanks for sharing. Look over the story and see if any changes can be made to improve it.
This was amazing. You drew me from the beginning to the end. Now i'm going to be late for work (just kidding). I simply loved it. I connnected with your characters. You explained your characters beautifully. The only thing that I didn't like was the fact that you created too many characters. All in all it was well written. I give you two thumbs up. A master piece in the making. Are you consider getting your work published? I almost cried, just almost, good thing I'm a tough cookie. Great job. Keep all writing.
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