Dear A.E.,
Wow! What a story. It reads to me as something between L.K. Hamilton and Nip Tuck, which is a big compliment. Your words are graphic and detail the scene nicely. (I usually review late at night, and I had to wait until later for my late snack).
The main characters were defined by both details and vocabulary. And of course the ending capped it off!
There were a few typos, but other than that, (though this is NOT my cup of tea), I thought it was written well.
Dear Dawn;
The pain of the fights between mother and daughter are strong and raw. It says alot that despite her own feelings of despair, the daughter realizes how their arguments affect her mother. To be caught in a cycle of seeming never-ending fights and tearing each other down is a nightmare, but by the authors' last words, she shows that she knows the predicament will not last forever, and that she does have the strength to hold out until things are better.
The first stanza is especially strong and flowing. There was one line that the author seemed to be grasping at words to match the words. "Calm like the month of May," could have flowed a little better.
This is a poem of strong feelings and emotions. The poet has dug down hard and brought out all the wrenching pain of day to day confrontations of a bad situation. It affects the reader deeply.
One thought comes to mind as I read this poem. The saying, "And this too shall pass." As someone that has lived with a different, but the same type of relationship, I would say to the daughter in this poem that no matter how bad it may seem at the time, it does get better.
A moving poem! Amequohi
Dear Doc;
Although I have read alot of poetry in the past, I'm usually not attracted to moden day poets. Yours however is an exception. The rhythm of the stanzas remind me of the gentle lapping of water in a quiet lake. I find that alone soothing.
In my opinion, your choice of words seem very old world. Two poets come to mind as similiar to this piece. Yeats "Innisfree" and this poem have the same feeling to me. There was a woman poet that was among some of America's first white settlers that reminded me of this work. Forgive me that I cannot remember her name.
Okay, enough of pleasure. I need to give a review here. I found your work a joy to read. The rhythm remains consistent, and the chosen words nicely convey their intended purpose. I would be very interested to read other works. Amequohi
First, my hat off to you for taking on a difficult subject. Josh's thoughts were very in-depth. It was easy to see his flustration at his situation, his feeling of being different, and his uneasiness of others discovering his secret.
I thought the way Josh and his friends thought and their vocabulary at different stages in their lives was insightful and right on the money.
(Remembering that you have already mentioned that this is still a work in progress), there seemed to be a few run-on sentences, and there were a couple of places it seemed the second and third character timing was wrong.
I love the way you began your story. Whether "gay" or "straight", I'm sure Josh's prediciment of waking up with an erection has happened to every high school boy. (After my brother left home, my mother found a hole in his mattress from this little problem!).
Good Writing To You! Amequohi
Thanks StoryMaster!
I'm trying to get started in "Writer's" by doing everything right. I don't know how long this page took you, but it sounded like you were ticking off an ever present list in your head and I have no doubt that you covered every item. Without you and your associates I'm sure many of us would be lost. Thank you for all the time and effort you put into your work. I say that for all of us you've all helped in the past.
Thanks! Amequohi
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