Good first chapter, good ending. I didn't see the "waking up dead" coming. Great description of family and house. Main character dialogue gave me a good feel for who she is, "weird having four more siblings," not being sure about the stepfather and all. Not much detail about the mother. With the main character walking in the hall alone, and up all night writing and still dressed, she could be dead at that time. And then she wakes up dead after she falls asleep for a few hours, leaves me to wonder how, exactly, did she die. For me the "woke up dead," at the end isn't as much a page turner as the curiosity I have about how she died. Just a couple of fixes below. Overall, yes good first draft.
At first read this sentence confused me. It kept staring at me. “(Sigh) come here it." Maybe change the "it" to "IT"
Great plot! Two thought processes in one brain, each with their own point of view, is it Marli or psychosis. I think it's Marli. Gyromitrin derivative, I can't even spell that one. The substance can be produced and is used by many cultures to cure people who are possessed by evil spirits, nice! This story could go many directions. Great chapter ending, a sure bet the reader will turn the next page. I just became your fan.
I like this story, two witches one, caring for two abuse boys, while on the run. The pace was good, kept me on the edge of my seat wondering if the boys were to be harmed. The characters were believable, and the dialogue flowed well. Favorite part is when the boys were sad outside their home and how the witch picked up on the mood of the toddlers.
I was totally into this story when reading it, the history, foster care, the strange girl. I was surprised when Ash lifted the tree. Derek's story, losing his family ending up in foster care, and finding companionship with his two foster brothers, nice. A twelve year old glass collector, a well rounded character. You left enough mystery for any reader to want more. This piece deserves a five star. One thing Bruno was spelled Brunoa, easy fix.
"Crotch-numbing in fact." Always nice to get a laugh.
In the prologue that first sentence, "I never thought t would come to this," is still mysterious. Open for more things to come. Great writing. Great flow, very interesting.
Great short story. Love the heart rock at the end. Flowed natural. The characters were believable, love the waitress. She seemed eager to tell the history of the haunted house. Do you want to know why the house is haunted? I could see her wearing bright red lipstick, dressed clean and neat, almost like she wanted to make a good impression. Ready to talk about anything. And she's out in the middle of nowhere! I got a good sense of place, it was well described. I liked the MC having feelings about things, ghost, hauntings, nice touch after she completed her rock throwing task she questioned herself, did she do the right thing? Again the heart shaped rock made me smile. I'll likely remember that one.
I rated this five stars! I didn't see any grammar issues, it flowed well. I wasn't planning to read, I'm new here just getting familiar with the site. But the first sentence, "The old and dirty gasoline station was located in the middle of nowhere and, as commonly said in Portuguese - onde o vento faz a curva - (where the wind makes its turn) meaning a place where no one wants to be."
Wow! Nice beginning. Next thing I knew there was a rock on the car seat. Great writing.
The writing flowed well. The story interesting, I wonder why a ghost would choose to stay, and more so what's going to happen next. The characters were believable but need to feel their emotions more, the bench scene drew me in more so than the prior scene on the roof. I am not a professional reviewer. The story kept my attention as a reader. If this were my story I would want a reviewer to focus on the characters' emotions, their love for each other, her decision to stay and what the thought of leaving him felt like. The intruder who tried convincing her to leave and angry about the decision to stay-what did her anger feel like? Did she have inner thoughts, breathe loud, cut them off when they tried to speak, face turn red? By the way does she have a hidden agenda? Thanks.
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