This was well written. I could find no fault in the description of scenes. It followed the prompt which was write a story based on a famous poem. In this case, The Raven.
I wanted something more other than the events mentioned in the poem. It’s up to us as writers to add something personal to a story. For example, what was so special about Lenore’s death that would lead to a messenger coming to torment Poe?
Something along those lines would have given this tale more impact.
It’s like a movie I remember seeing, in which a plant from outer space comes to Earth and takes over the minds of humans. Maybe, it was Dawn of the Living Dead.
I think to improve your story, you might consider breaking it up into different dates. At first he records events in a calm professional way, but as the days progress things become more dire and finally panic is recorded.
So, build it up slowly, so the reader can imagine what is happening not just to him, but more widely.
You have talent with words, you just need to think bigger.
I saw this in the winner’s list of twisted tales. I was surprised by the ending for two reasons. One, it seemed a happy story and two it won though arakun hates sad tales.
I liked the story a lot. A bit of Alice in Wonderland and the mystery of the boy’s home added the crumbs that led me down the story.
I saw your entry in twisted tales and the title drew me in. Had to find out about a twisted clown.
Your story was different and new, so liked it very much. I think a lot of comics go through similar dark times. Times when their motivations are turned upside down. The lucky ones find the way back.
Loved reading this as I feel the same. It seems that Ohtani is attracting a lot of attention for his performance and his attitude toward the game. I hope others emulate his approach to professional sports.
One typo>In the summer if 1941,
One omitted word>There two generations of baseball fans, like myself, who know him
He sets out on his quest. People seeing joy on his face treat him as a holy man. After he has his experience with the demons, his appearance is the exact opposite. People fear and avoid him
His personal quest turns out to be completely dependent on how people see him. He can’t obtain the freedom which he believes leads to contentment.
There’s another hidden story here about the corpse.
Saw this in this random read. Thought I’d give it a go. Glad I did. At first, I wasn’t aware the monkey was telling the tale. Nice twist and the ending was the icing.
I have nothing to say about editing.
Bravo!
This deep poem reminded me that the Sakura, cherry blossom, was the flower of the samurai. Though, your poem seemed to be on the other side of the same coin to their ideal that the way you die is the most important thing in life.
I enjoyed the story, for who hasn’t had the same experience?
Look at these three paragraphs you wrote.
I fell asleep.
When you awaken from deep sleep to something moving or stirring, it can take a few moments for you to truly understand what is happening. The fog of sleep hangs over your eyes and ears even when lucid.
As the last cobwebs of sleep withered from my mind, the noise took on a more familiar form. Sometimes the simplest of sounds can be the most unnerving, a cold wind whistling through a tree outside, a neighbor’s footsteps uncomfortably close, or, in this case, the simple sound of bed sheets rustling in the dark.
If you write, I fell asleep then something woke me. Then, you don’t need the second paragraph since the third paragraph shows rather than tells what happened next. You just wrote something twice the first one tells the second one shows.
How are you Bill?
This is good, but I wouldn’t rank it with your best.
A mallet of wind struck him in the face then, a foretelling of some unforeseen event, and then it lifted some of the loose earth he had piled making it scurry across the belly of the mound like a group of small beetles.> This paragraph struck me as a little confusing as I had to reread it. The two it(s) in the sentence should be clarified. The word then is used twice in the same sentence. Maybe, the sentence could be broken up.
This was well written. I didn’t notice any errors and it did keep me reading, but I was disappointed by the ending. The ending was basically just telling rather than showing.
It said the rest is history. I think you should offer the reader more than that. There was nothing shown about their struggle to cross the mountains. I think that could have been the central part of the story rather than having them circling their tent and then being tricked by an unknown life form.
I saw this in this week’s newsletter. Nice story. I’m amazed at how your dog correctly understood the situation.
I have a couple of suggestions. Look at your second sentence. Seems odd, doesn’t it?
Further down.
I tossed the kitten in the hutch, gently it had been a very bad day for the poor thing. >I tossed the kitten into the hutch, gently, for it had been a very bad day for the poor thing.
Funny ending. The story reminds me of my wife, worries about everything and suspects the worst of people. So, now I know I’m not the only one. So, I gotta give it five stars.
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