As I was reading, I was trying to remember my favorite parts so I could quote them here and tell you what they were.
I will be honest with you. If I were to put my favorite part down, it would have to be the whole poem. I could not choose just one part that I liked more than the rest.
It is probably my favorite thing I have read on this site thus far. Beautiful word choices, beautiful images, beautiful everything.
Although you are writing of such horrid things, the only word that comes to mind when I think of this poem is just what I've said: Beautiful.
Wow. I really enjoyed reading this. It was spectacular!
You chose really eloquent words. I really enjoyed this and read it hungrily, but I do admit I am a fan of Phantom of the Opera, so I may have been a little biased; anything that has to do with a masquerade and a masked man immediately catches my attention!
I absolutely LOVED the ending. Right after they kill him, they resume having their "fine" masquerade!
I can imagine all of these rich, beautiful (yet snobby) people, feeling that they were somehow lied to or cheated by this poor, scarred man and taking their revenge on him. I can imagine the dancing and the laughter and the merriment, cut off for a moment, but then resuming as cheerfully as it had started.
I particularly liked this line: "But alas! for all things must inevitably end, and in the case of our peerless dancer and nobleman, this end proved tragic"
I love this. Very nice writing. My favorite part is:
"Simply left alone
In a world that has gone wrong"
It's really good. I really think you did a good job conveying the emotions in this poem. It feels hopeless, sad, detached from the world, etc.
The only part I did not think fit was: "Life is a bore"
It just didn't seem to fit in well with the rest of the poem. The rest seemed more like a sad feeling toward the world, but "life is a bore" just didn't seem very sad or depressing, but maybe you were not going for that. I just interpreted it that way, and it stuck out to me.
I like this. It definitely made me think and wonder. Very creepy. The only thing I can think that I did not like is that it didn't seem emotional enough. It was really focused on the disappearing (which is still good, it definitely needed that) but I didn't feel enough emotion from this person who is completely vanishing from the world. It's still very good. I really like how it makes you wonder what in the world is going on-the whole time you're reading, you're on the edge of your seat, wondering what is going to happen.
Wonderful!! I really enjoyed reading this. You did such a good job conveying the emotions Rose is feeling. The doubt and the fact that she is done with this man/boy. I really love the way you wrote this. It makes the reader wonder what he's been doing to her and admire her for eventually getting out of it. It's also great how you wrote it in such a way that I feel connected to the character, yet it was only a short passage. That takes talent to do. I feel as if I understand Rose's frustration and in the end, I am actually doing a little mental cheer for her! I have been through the exact same thing, as many girls have. This is a very accurate depiction of a girl who is done being treated a certain way over a guy. Although I wish I had been as strong as Rose. I think many girls would find it hard to "pull myself away to look into your eyes, but what I used to feel has disappeared with my journey. My heart doesn’t race, no smile falls on my lips, and the urge to make you happy disintegrates. The monotonous, parasitic cycle of what we were has finally hit me."
I can not remember and exact moment where I felt like I was over the guy, but I wish it had happened like this. You've made me feel glad for this character's strength.
Wow. This was amazing. I couldn't stop reading.
I think you could have made it a lot longer. You could probably make a whole book if you expanded it and went off of this one passage. I can imagine this being a prompt for you to write a book. Begin with her past. Maybe flash forward or backward. Explain how she got into her situation, etc. It really was very good. Very interesting. I could just imagine how she was feeling and the look of defeat in her eyes. You did a very good job explaining her hopelessness. At least I feel like it was hopelessness because now she does not even care anymore when the man comes back.
"As I lie, my eyes shut, a glimmer of a smile meets my frail cheeks and I feel my fingers reach up as if to question this alien expression." That was my favorite part.
The story left me wondering so much about what is really going on here. That's what a great writer does, gets you thinking! So, great job!!
Pretty nice. I like it, but I just wish it had more powerful feeling to it. It has a lot of potential. I just think it needed more emotion in it. It really does speak to a person who has gone through a situation such as that before, but I think you could expand more with it.
Also.. "you're" not "your".
I really like this part: "I remember with fondness of heart, The way it was from the start." A very nice line. I love the use of the word fondess. Very pretty wording.
I loved it. My favorite part: "An old man whose wife has just died? An old man about to kick the bucket himself?" Very good writing there.
I really think you could take this a lot further. You could expand and expand on this tiny passage and even make a book out of it.
The only thing I could see to change was to put "toward" instead of "towards". Other than that, great story and writing.
Beautiful!!! I absolutely loved it. I really enjoyed that. It was simple yet conveyed emotion. The author seems very endearing to me. You almost have to laugh at the failed love attempts, until you think of his feelings of rejection. I LOVE "and taught me a lesson in heart" and how it is said again and again.. The ending is the best. Happy ones always are. I was very happy that it once again ended with "and taught me a lesson in heart."
I really liked this. It made me laugh out loud a few times. "What the holy fuck is linoleum?" and "I would scare the shit out of myself when I turned on the blow dryer -- dropping it to the floor." were my favorite parts. Very nice!
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