Dear Jenna,
Welcome to WDC. Thank you for sharing this lovely poem. You have expressed this sentiment clearly. I like your verse construction and have no suggestions to offer for improvement. No spelling or grammaticals problems either. Good job!
Hi Sassy,
Welcome to WDC. Thank you for sharing this rather painful poem.
I would prefer not to comment on the content of this piece as it seems to be such a personal sentiment. I will offer several suggestion that you may wish to consider when editing it next time. They are by line:
Line 2 eliminate "it may even seem" This would give this line more punch and those words really don't make a contribution to the line.
Linee 3, eliminate the word "and" unneeded
Line 4. There's
Line 5. make direction singular drop the "s" Just seems to flow better
Line 6, dispair
Line 9, here, they're
Line 12, drop the word "so" adds nothing and flows better without
Line 15, the damage is deep. drop "too" again, uneeded and flows better without
Line 18, drop "all' same reasons
Thanks for listening.
Keep writing, practice makes perfect.
Barbs
Dear Dave,
Thank you for sharing this article. Your sentiment is very evident. In reaction to the content of your paper, I would say only that, many years ago I learned that I was able to control the actions of only one person, me. And, I have not always been successful at that. When people cheat, it does catch up with them eventually, you can rest assured of that, code or no code.
With respect to the technical aspects of your essay, I would offer the following comments and suggestions:
1. I believe that you can improve this piece by editing out the repetitious and unrelated material.
2. Eliminate the phrase, "I mean" everywhere.
3. There are some long and convoluted sentences where the readability could be improved by splitting them into two sentences.
4. Do not rely solely on spell checker to find spelling errors. It does not recognize incorrect words if they are other words spelled correctly. Words like:
do should be due
wondered should be wandered
the should be they
5. Read thru to check for missed punctuation. Ones that I noticed were:
written in stone, that
And, yes it is
Well, back to
6. read again and check for typos:
honor bound First Captain
7. This piece would be more reader friendly if the paragraphs were shorter.
8. The second from last sentence would possibly be improved without the words "And then."
9. The sentence beginning with "A monument to. . ." is an incomplete sentence.
I've learned that I can never just write something and publish it. I spend alot of time editing and polishing before I post an item to my port and even then, others find things that I overlooked.
You have a very good command of the language and it will only improve with practice. Keep up the good work and thank you for listening. Thanks, too, for serving!
{image;1071274}
Barbs
Dear Raymond,
First, poetry is not in my comfort zone but I will offer my humble opinion. With that in mind, you may take it or leave it.
I was moved by this poem. In very few words you have conveyed the unsettled turmoil of youth. I consider myself to have been a pretty normal kid and I can recall how unhappy I was during my teen years.
Your poem reads nicely, rhymes well and the rhythm of the lines work well.
Overall, I would give you high marks for this work. Thank you for sharing it.
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Barbs
Dear Loraine,
Thank you for devising this pole. I see that I am in the minority here. I write at all hours of the day and night, whenever I choose. I have little reminders jotted down here and there so that I can follow through with them when I'm ready.
Thanks for asking.
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Barbs
Dear deevran,
Thank you for sharing these insights on the problem of obesity. I write from the US so your metric figures do not give me a precise picture of your situation. As an overwieght person, I can relate to your feelings in any case. I have no suggestions for grammatical changes. This story is well written. The topic is interesting and I followed the line with no problems. Good job and keep on writing.
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Barbs
Dear Indy,
You have selected an interesting topic about which to write. I can see that you have some good thoughts and opinions on this matter but they aren't always clear to me as I read your piece. Things that you might wish to work on:
1. Punctuation. Your first sentence is 14 line long. Break that down into many shorter sentences and the reader will be able to chew and digest one thought at a time.
2. Eliminate any repetition.
3. Spelling. Use spell checker for starters.
This will give you some things to work on. This can be an interesting essay as you clearly have the ability to make it so. Keep on writin'.
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Barbs
Dear Sakred,
WOW! This is the start of an exciting adventure. I'm interested to hear about the people that you meet and the things that you see and do in your dad's native land. This is an interesting beginning to the story and left me wanting to know what happens next.
I can make several suggestions for you to work on:
1. Read through your story one sentence at a time and be sure that the tense of all your verbs agree with the story line. You have used past and present tense interchangably in places. Decide how you wish to write this piece and stick with one or the other.
2. Look up the words to, too, and two. They all sound the same but have different meanings.
3. Eliminate slang words that add nothing to the sentence. Example: "See my mom..." Eliminate the word see and start the sentence with My mom.
4. Check each sentence for punctuation. Some well placed commas will improve the readability.
5. Read each sentence out loud to see how it flows. Eliminate the repeated use of the same word in close proximity. Substitute another with the same meaning.
6. Break up the third paragraph into two or three shorter paragraphs. Easier on the reader.
This is alot to work on but that's what I do with my stories until I have it as good as I can make it. It's worth the effort. When you have polished this story it will be irresistible to readers. You're off to a great start. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this story.
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Barbs
Dear Ebie,
Nice work! This is an interesting story well told. It's long but held my attention. You include wonderful imagery and I could see the park, the schoolroom, the gallery, the exhaled breath curling on the cold air. Not forced or contrived just easy prose. Very impressive.
A few minor typos:
he coat to her coat
graham to Graham
The staff--- is something missing in thes sentence?
really it's jut true to it's true
The walk to They walk
Again nice story. Keep writin'
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Barbs
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