Things I Noticed
First of all, this does not qualify for a an E rating. An E rating requires that there be no sexual references. While the ones in this story are very, very mild and ordinary, kissing, hands on hips, references to figure, etc, are still sexual. Also, a child losing his legs because of disease would be disturbing to some audiences. I would put this up to a ASR.
Secondly, I think you should shift your focus in this piece. I think, as your post said, it's supposed to be a love story. The point of the story is the love a boy has for his little brother, yet you spend much more time talking about the love he has for his girlfriend. It might be interesting to contrast the two, for example, he loves his brother, "good old Josh can never keep his shirt clean" and his sweetheart, who is perfect in every way. See the difference? You might try working with that.
I would also emphasize the box a bit more. Introduce the reader to it earlier in the story, maybe by having a neighbor or someone drop it by.
Things I Liked
I liked the way you gave the store character - how the two always ordered the same thing. It really gives the story a nice flavor and almost a personality.
Greetings! I enjoyed this poem, and have a few thoughts, although I don't know anything about poetry.
Things I Noticed
I'm always impressed by the way good poets pick their words, and this poem is no exception. But I feel like the stanzas are out of order. You elaborate on the feelings behind the choice before you tell us what the choice is. I would switch one of those later stanzas to be earlier so "a gathering of clouds" makes more sense.
Anyway, those are my thoughts; good job and keep writing!
Greetings! I enjoyed this story, and was harboring a hope that you would turn it into a piece of flash-fiction.
Things I Noticed When I was one and a half or two my parents would often go out to theatre productions,
--Would a two-year-old baby really remember things with this detail? I think it's a bit of a stretch for even a five-year-old child to remember that their parents went to "theater productions" when they were a baby - I'd look into that.
My father replied with, "well honey, we went out to a play." My sister froze as giant tears began to well up in her eyes, finally just burst out sobbing.
--"well" should be capitalized;
--also "finally just burst out sobbing" reads a little awkward.
--I would (and this is just a suggestion) put the dialouge on a new line. It's more conventional and easier to read that way.
The reason this isn't flash fiction yet (and I think it would make a very good flash-fiction) is becuase you have a lot of unneeded details; what the babysitter playing with the baby had to do with the end of the story isn't clear, and how much the babysitter liked playing the child also doesn't seem to be important. Having babysat before, I would think that the parents would merely be upset that she purposefully kept him up so late. I would suggest focusing more on the following two things:
A) Making the "crying scene" feel real. What did the girl look like? How did the parents calm her down? (hugs, kisses, promises of sweets, etc.)
B) Make the last sentance more prominent. It's almost like an afterthought the way it is, but that's what makes the whole story endearing. Perhaps the babysitter can ask where the parents went, and they can wryly reply:
"To a meeting."
Things I Liked
I really liked the ending joke, which is why I think you should focus more on it. It's really the thing that makes this story memorable and funny.
Anyway, I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!
Greetings! I like this very much; I enjoyed the way you weave the history of the painting into the story of the person.
Things I Noticed I don't know how much you're looking to improve this, but I'll offer my thoughts anyway. I can't remember if "Spring" ought to be capitalized or not, but I think it shouldn't.
The other thing I noticed is that it's hard to "get into" this piece. Also, the main part of the story, where her love leaves her, is a bit vauge. I think the story would be better if you had a flashback in there. In a flashback you could more vividly and precisely discribe what happened.
Things I Liked
Like I said, I really appreciate the way you weave the painting and the memories it brings together. That part is very well done.
Anyway, I hope this review is helpful. Keep writing!
This is very good! I enjoyed it. One thing you might consider changing is in the 6th stanza - "scream." I don't know, but it kinda of seems out of place with the reflective, emotional flavor of the rest of the poem.
This story has lots of potential, but I think it's a bit long, for what it is. I'm not sure what the program had to do with the story - unless it's unfinished. But you might try subsituting it with something less complicated, that you can explain more easily. The heart of the story (as far as I can tell) is in the love Amber showed the street man - not in the school program. Also, I don't think the hints earlier are needed; I'd take out the parts where he tries to tell her who he is - why should he? He's going to eventually anyway, and it's obvious you're avoiding the end of the conversation. If someone I met on the street is begging me to tell me who they really are, I would let them. The bodygaurds were also confusing; I don't think a caring person would dump the bodygaurds on someone, then the news; I'd reverse those.
I know this is a work in progress (as there are a few obvious mistakes) but with some effort, I think it would really be good!
Is this a new poem? I don't remember seeing it before. Anyway, it's a big improvement on the one's I've read before. *it ryhmes, yay!*
You've got:
"Everyone tells me,
that they care.
That is why I share
The experiences, the sadness.
Which holds me tight.
As I fight,
it's iron grip of fright."
You don't need a comma after the first line - if you have trouble deciding if you need one or not, try writing it like a regular sentance. Would you write "Everyone tells me that they care." or would you write "Everyone tells me, that they care."?
I would also rewrite the fourth line to tie that stanza in with the rest of the poem. It states that your experiences are saddening you, yet the next one says that what you've lost is saddening you. While those could be tied together, in this short a poem, I'd stick with one or the other.
It's almost like you just needed time to get warmed up; the rest of the poem is just fine. =)
I like this poem. It's got a good subject and is easy to follow.
I've already told you that I like things to have ryhme and meter. However, if you don't put so many spaces between phrases, it will flow a lot more smoothly. You want the reader to be thinking about what you're talking about, not the jerks in the poem. Try, for example,
"The sky cries for the ground below,
As small raindrops grow into larger ones,
As the tears fall upon the parched ground."
If you're really adventurous, try more imagery. There's a lot of room to get poetical, in "gloomy clouds" or "plunging towards the earth." etc.
Keep writing!
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Greetings! I enjoyed this story!
Things I Noticed
Greetings! I enjoyed this poem, and have a few thoughts, although I don't know anything about poetry.
Things I Noticed
The reason this isn't flash fiction yet (and I think it would make a very good flash-fiction) is becuase you have a lot of unneeded details; what the babysitter playing with the baby had to do with the end of the story isn't clear, and how much the babysitter liked playing the child also doesn't seem to be important. Having babysat before, I would think that the parents would merely be upset that she purposefully kept him up so late. I would suggest focusing more on the following two things: