 This is a good beginning you've got going here, with powerful, exciting elements coming into play from the very beginning—a chase, a magical object almost out of control, and what looks like a budding romance. I'm glad I got a look into this rich world. You seem to be having fun recreating it.
 My first suggestion will, I think, help you implement almost every other suggestion I'm going to make. I feel like you're sort of tumbling along with no clear idea of where you're going. In fiction paragraphs tend to lack topic sentences, but that doesn't mean that the paragraphs have no direction. Make an outline of what, exactly, it is you wish to accomplish in this chapter. It might look something like this:
1)Establish Feina's chatacter (appearance, personality, mage-ship, etc) and her struggle.
2)Ditto above with Ghadrik and Khameris.
3)Begin to develop reader's knowledge of the stone. Establish it's power.
4)Introduce potential romance.
5)Shadowy introduction of the stone's true owner.
6)That wicked Rhuk-carrier. DESCRIBE.
Then make sure you meet your objectives and cut out other details unless you need them. Develop into your objectives rather than stumbling on them. For example, you tell us almost first thing that the stone is “struggling to escape and reunite with its true bearer.” This means absolutely nothing to me as a reader and therefore as a revelation is completely unexciting. It has promise, to be sure, but I think it would be more intimidating if you took the time to first set up Feina's power and how hard she must struggle to keep the stone under control—make the reader wonder. Why is it so hard? Wonder, not detail, keeps us turning pages. Knowing which details to leave out is just as crucial as knowing which ones to leave in.
 Which, in the case of the Rhuk-carrier, is a lot. You use forty-one words to describe the forest, which is something familiar to most readers, and a mere eighteen to describe the Rhuk-carrier. One thing I've noticed about the more successful fantasies I've read—Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, and The Lord of the Rings—is that they are told primarily from the perspective of one who knows nothing or very little about the world they encounter—the children, Harry, and Frodo. Thus their wonder and the reader's wonder are taken up in the same breath, making the writer's job much easier. You've got to find that sense of wonder and discovery.
 I appreciate the way you combine description of people and animals with the actions they do--for example, “ Silver beady eyes watched...” rather than “eyes watched.” It keeps the story moving. But I feel like you've got too much of a good thing going. Mentally, I construct an image as I read and then put the thing or person into action. But lacking that description, the eyes and talons and wings all become disembodied. By time I know what he looks like, he's flown away. Another example:
...rested gently between her palms. Fragile, thin fingers gently rubbed... It took me a minute to isolate what was wrong with this. I think the problem is that, somehow, the fingers are detached from the palms—they don't seem to belong to the same hands. Where they are her palms—fitting within the context of a person—the fingers lack the pronoun and seem to stand by themselves. I would combine these first two sentences—I think it will help you establish flow right from the beginning. Otherwise, the first sentence reads with, “Hello! I am the first sentence of the book! I am designed to capture your attention!” laced all over it.
The same thing with the two “followers.” Why the delay in introducing them? They are speaking before we know whether to give them a bass voice or a soprano; they are climbing before we know if they do so swiftly or slowly—it's disconcerting. Of course it can be bit of a drag to detail every single person, but if your characters are interesting, nobody minds reading about them—why do you think we have to teach children not to stare and point? It's because people are interesting to look at. Get a nice balance of action and description going.
 I love your use of vocabulary—it's obvious you are very widely read. But remember that reading isn't enough; if you want to use the vocabulary already at your fingertips effectively, you've got to become a dictionary fiend. Look up words you've learned to define through context to be sure you're getting them correct. Here are the examples I found:
tree encompassed path. How can a path be “encompassed?” To encompass is “to go completely around;” a path would be lined—trees on either side, not in the path itself.
the old woman jerked back in recoil. Jerking back is implicit in “recoil.” You could try, “jerked back, recoiling from the surge.” or something like that.
 About Khameris--you're well on your way to establishing the relationship here, but you're skirting her “allure.” You constantly refer to it, but never define it (I think this is what is known as telling, rather than showing). For example: “ fair voice.” What kind of voice? “There was a subtle beauty to the young girl now.” What beauty? Is she soft and shapely, or slender and firm? Is her voice low and coaxing, or high and bubbly? And what's this about “Feina's illness had stripped away her childhood innocence.” You just described her speech as containing “a childlike gleam.” Is she childlike and appealing, inspiring an instinct to protect (which would make her sudden hysterics a little more understandable)? Or is she hardened by sorrow, cold and distant?
 Minor things:
Feina had remained fierce in her refusal but carried it with a kind decline. Er... what? She's carrying her refusal? She was fiercely kind about her declining refusal?
Watch tenses: You're jamming along in past tense, until suddenly: Her eyebrows lowering into a straight line. Oops! Present tense! And then right back into past: Rolling hills and open grasslands shadowed Rather more jarringly, it happens here: Receiving the glass, she thanked the younger man. So watch that.
...massive wings of the bird softly shook the cabin now and then...{/i] How does a massive bird shake a cabin “softly?” This word choice seems a little out of place, and I don't have a clear picture of what is going on—are they small quivers or is the cabin tilting to one side and then the other?
He rambles on about things only those of the lowest intelligence could appreciate. I'm wondering what things these are. I can't think of one thing stupid people appreciate more than intelligent people. It almost always goes the other way.
 Overall, an excellent beginning. Keep working on editing. Every time you go through to edit, pick some new thing to work on, like making sure the characters all speak with distincitive voices, that the dialogue flows naturally or something like that. Great work and keep writing!
Mazel |
|
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
The dragon is second only to the phoenix on my list of favorite magical creatures, so I really enjoyed reading about your vision of them, even though it's very sad! The picture of the night and the moon on the lake is especially good. Here are a couple of suggestions:
Check out the second paragraph--I feel like it's backwards; it's certainly backwards chronologically--you describe Kreylures' tenure in the lake before her families'. I think switching these two would create a better sense of flow; perhaps you should even leave the description of the hundreds of years until the very end—emphasize her loneliness even more. 
I also think you can expand the sentiments and give the reader more time to savor them. For example, the lines, "Never felt this way before./ Once I had given up," The concept is unique, of a woman who cannot fall in love. Over and over we see stories of women who have been hurt or rejected when they loved. But what of a woman who is frozen inside herself? If you could expand this with images... try sights, sounds, feelings, colors to give it more life. 
I felt a little lost. Not completely lost, not lost enough to demand that you fix it, but confused enough to mention it in my review. I think I will have to say it was because of all the curve balls. I love the curve balls, but the Holy Mother and the She-God and the Greek and everything didn't really have my mind in the story. I was trying to piece together your theology; I was trying to understand what kind of beings everybody and everything was; I was trying to find some sort of foothold within the story, a perspective from which to approach the book. I can pinpoint the exact moment I found that perspective—when Jasia says, “You will go to the Material Plane as a Fallen, but you will live among the humans as a human.” Why? Because it's a connection to things I know, it grounds everything else in the human earth. And I think it is ultimately the human that makes literature work. Do with that analysis what you will.
Okay, some concrete suggestions now. 
Finally, don't make the exclamation points do your work for you, because they can't. Rather than putting one, two, and eventually three exclamation points as God thunders in heaven, just make her thunder. The “mighty thunder clap” is a step in the right direction... emphasize her rage by having her storm up and down, black clouds billow, the ground shake, her face turn red... really, exclamation points are just not as exciting. 
What a cool story! First it reminded me of the snowstorm we had on Easter this year--in Texas that's really something else! Then it reminded me of the story of St. Christopher carrying the Christ child across the river. I love your description of the girl... for some reason the red scarf is just the right touch for her, beginning to end. It gives her identity and character within the story in a simple, easy-to-remember and imagine way. Good job!
There was one sentence that stuck out to me as awkward: The road trip had been fun until he had driven into this icebox otherwise known as North Dakota. I think it's an instinctual awkwardness rather than technical; the former is caused by simply using more words than is really necessary; the latter comes from actual grammatical errors. Here, I think "otherwise known" bogs down your sentence. Try "...this icebox, North Dakota." Or, "North Dakota, more like an icebox than a state." 
The only big suggestion I have would be to format this; use the WritingML tags to indent the paragraphs; and instead of this: ********* try centering three stars spaced apart, like this:
The other problem was the first chapter... It's a difficult portion for the reader to piece together, which I think has to do with the order in which you give the details--it's as if the entire first paragraph was arranged backwards. Think of it as if you were painting the scene; you would probably start with the backdrop first and then add the details on top of it. The first sentence, for example: A rip opened into the unknown on a strangely quiet night. What are you ripping? At first I thought it was the sky, and I think I eventually figured out it was the ground; but it would be far more effective if you set it up by painting us a picture of the night plain--and make sure the details stay consistent (For example, grass may be brown and yellow in the brilliant sunlight, but at night they will probably be shadowy, blues and grays). Then tell us what happens there. 
Art--and I think all creation is art on some level, if not museum-worthy--is about humanity. about life and who we are and what we experience. It's what makes writing and reading enjoyable but also spiritual and beneficial. If it doesn't, then what, I would ask, are we all doing? Why do we bother, why do we write with our souls? My main suggestion for you is to really step back from this story, short though it is, and ask yourself, what is my reader going to take away from this? How will they be changed or effected? It could be something as simple as a beautiful person/character or a mood. It could also say something deeper about the meaning of life itself, of courage, of love, of faithfulness. What do you want to say about first love, about relationships? Most people believe true love is forever... why, especially, did this one end? Answers to these questions is what is going to give your writing it's real content. 
I love the example "all kinds of pitches." But I'm not so convinced on the shoes. Steve Madden? I'm not particularly fashion-wise by any means, but that means nothing to me. I would recommend a more universal example. 
I'm going to talk about something else.