Dear Kay,
This poem flows very well and clearly shows an attitude. I like it very much. Only one stanza bothers me and that is the first.
I can not take a compliment
believe me I have tried,
and when I said I liked your hair
it’s possible I lied.
In this stanza, it opens with "take a compliment" which, to me, means "accept" a compliment, but the example in the second part of this stanza indicates that you are "giving" a possibly false compliment. So... I suggest that you rework the first line of your poem.
Very well done,T.L. I appreciate the visuals you've created!
I do have a couple of small suggestions...
1st stanza: By dropping the 1st "We're" and putting a comma after "meet", you can make this into one statement and don't have to repeat the word (we're) within one stanza. .. add a semi-colon after the word, "passing"
Also - - this, then, carries through stanzas 1-4 beginning with verbs
4th Stanza: I don't think the word, geese, should be capitalized...
And - - maybe, rework the last stanza to begin with a verb, too???
I did enjoy this little touch of Spring! Keep writing!
Sincerely,
avidpoet
Dear Harlem,
This is pretty good writing for a first draft, but I think you could give more specific examples and connect your ideas, which seem to jump too fast. eg... from 'game and dice' to 'time and seconds.'
Here are a few suggestions:
Line 2: "their" is plural and "life" is singular ... change to "lives"
Line 5: "strife" is a noun that means 'hardship'... and I think you meant for an action to be here; you need to use more specific language.
Line 8: ending a line with "are" weakens the thought. Drop the "s" on dreams and drop the word "are." I will be looking forward to a rework on this poem as you have some very good ideas that you could develop further.
Dear Brenpoet,
What a wonderful tribute to autumn!
I suggest, in the title, change the tense to active instead of passive by using "Painting" instead of "To paint"
Use Golden leaves --- it softens the sound of Gold leaves...
Maybe: "Her russet hues soon lost", but then another word would probably have to be used for "soon" in the next stanza...
I love the alliteration! ..."green grass gold"
Good job!
Dear Beth,
In the title... "siting"? or "sitting...
first Line: "window wait" seems to need punctuation here or begin "wait/waiting" as a new line
There are many spelling errors in this poem!
This seems to be a first draft and needs to be edited before someone reviews it again.
I'm sorry if this review seems harsh, but the presentation of your work is indeed very important. If the presentation needs work, the reader will miss the thoughts that you intended to convey.
Give it another try...
Sincerely,
avidpoet
Dear Witty_Writer,
This is a wonderful, loving poem about your son and you have a good start. It seems to need more examples of his activities. The usual rule is: 'Don't tell, show'
Also, the line "From morning 'till day" needs work. Using the word 'day' seems to have been used just to satisfy the rhyme in the next line.
I think it is not necessary to repeat the lines
"Up and down
And all around"
Maybe show where 'up' is, and 'down' is, and 'all around' is?
This is a good first draft. It has potential. I know you can tighten it up a bit! I'm looking forward to seeing your revision.
Dear Talisen,
I enjoyed this poem! One suggestion to balance the look of it... Separate the first four lines from the body of the long stanza... This also would separate the "questions" from the "answers." ... See what you think...
Sincerely,
avidpoet
I like this, but it feels like it is only a part of a longer poem. Maybe add another stanza or two. Expand on the character you've created. Where did she go? What is her purpose? Maybe use some descriptive Halloween words... sounds,location, etc. ... Make it scarier.
Sincerely,
avidpoet
Dear Kare,
This is a wonderful poem! I feel that "the book" is an analogy to you; it could possibly represent a person crying out for some attention and understanding. I am SO impressed! Please, keep writing.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Sincerely,
avidpoet
Dear Solace Bring,
I like the visuals that you have used. I feel that your poem would be more powerful if you changed the tense to "present tense". eg. "Now the air is still" etc.
drop the "I suppose" in the 6th stanza
Last stanza: the word "Lit" completely threw me. Suddenly I thought something had been lit on fire! Then I reread the stanza and realized what you meant. But this pause to clarify meaning really interrupted the flow of thought. Maybe try this:
A cardinal
red as fresh blood
signals my salvation
This stanza: "Every step forward...slip me back" Consider - " Every forward step
is futile
in this rusty sand"
Also, consider changing your title to something more descriptive of your poem.
Your poem has great potential! Keep writing!
Sincerely,
avidpoet
Dear Kenzie,
This is a wonderful poem. Your use of color adds to the poem.
Please consider these items: a. 2nd stanza - 4th line: is the word 'drinks' unnecessary?
b. 2nd stanza: I have been told that using the same word within a short space shouldn't be done... consider changing the second use of the word 'replace' with the word 'for' c. 3rd stanza: consider changing 'mustn't' to 'cannot' d. 4th stanza - 2nd line - Is the word 'snow' necessary?
Again, I loved your thoughts and over-all the poem was wonderful!
Sincerely,
avidpoet
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