First, some nits I picked:
Benjamin's face was in sheer pain as Laurie scratched at his cheek and her father's grip around his neck tightened. Out of sheer luck, the car started and he slammed a foot against the ignition. Sounds of scratching metal from behind him signaled the two cars separating.
Use of "sheer" twice in one passage.
Letting off of her, he flipped her around and with both hands, slipped her pants and panties off. Her nude bottom was a sight to behold. Such a sight it was that he began drooling.
Might want to change "letting" to "getting."
Both monitors suddenly shut off and came back on by themselves. Benjamin let off of Laurie, even as she struggled more. The monitors changed simultaneously to the video of Laurie in the blue chair.
"Let off" doesn't seem to fit.
A search of Benjamin's history revealed graduation from MIT with top honors preceding a long history with some of the top computer security contractors in the nation. His work had garnered many awards, and being in such high demand over the years, he had gradually moved away from offices to working remotely. Something, it seems, had snapped.
Change "seems" from present tense to past.
Now in a jail cell he was forced to call home, Benjamin lied on the paper thin mattress, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the plain ceiling. His cell mate, whom he learned had been convicted for third degree murder, snored below on the bottom bunk. Benjamin hated the sound, but being considerably lighter than the gruff man, had no choice but to endure.
May want to change "lied" to "laid."
A scene from the week previous continued right where it had left off. A woman with a completely bandaged head lied in a hospital bed after surviving a vicious attack by a ritualistic killer. With her tongue having been cut out, she struggled to talk to an investigator before dying. The acting was mediocre, to say the least.
"Lied" should be "lay," I believe. I, too, sometimes get mixed up with the lay/lie thing. But I'm pretty sure in this instance it should be "lay."
There was no doubt in his mind Charly would be watching over him, and waiting for his sentence to be over. Lying on the top bunk once more, he closed his eyes, fantasizing about Laurie. She, too, would be waiting.
Might need to be "laying" . . . this time, I'm not sure. Must consult one of the many grammar/syntax books I own. For some reason, the lie-lay thing never sticks in my brain, no matter how many times I read up on it.
Okay, that's it for the picking of nits.
I thought this piece was solidly written and structured well. The pacing was even, the language consistent. The dialogue was a bit stilted (but that can be fixed by reading what you've written out loud, as if you were the character, and seeing how it feels coming out of your own mouth. And also remember that contractions, such as can't, don't, won't, shan't, are your friends). The plot was indeed dark, and darkly fascinating. Creepy. Charly, itself, was quite creepy in its complete indifference to even its own purpose. It did what it was created to do, without conscience or deviation from the plan.
It was shocking to realize the girl on the bike was actually a little girl, not just a woman being called a girl. That realization was jarring in a way that I still can't label properly.
I think you handled the subject matter unflinchingly, and with respect for that treatment of the subject, I tried to read this as unflinchingly as possible, and as objectively as possible. Not an easy thing for me, in particular, to do, for various reasons. The thing that allowed me to get through this without running away and Chloroxing my brain into oblivion was the way you wrote this, in such a way that the narrator did not relish the subject. Didn't become gratuitous with the descriptions of the attack. That would've been extremely off-putting, not to mention rather disgusting. Thank you for walking the undoubtedly fine line between telling a story and rubbing faces in something awful.
The ending was, indeed, creepy, too. Charly, still out there, waiting for his creator. And said creator maintaining his obsession with Laurie. . . .
Overall, I think this piece is well done, and achieves its end with a series of slow reveals and sharp shocks. It leaves one feeling creeped out and dirty, scared and uncomfortable. Not just because we've gotten up close and personal with a potential child rapist, but also because the future of pornography has been shown to us, and it's not at all pretty. It's soulless and conscienceless and prurient. It's no holds barred and nothing is off limits. Absolutely nothing. Therein lies a terrible prospect.
(There's a definite element of horror to this piece. A large element.)
This piece won't be washing off me quickly. . . .
Write on. |
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