Very entertaining and a nice change from Hero Journeys. Wish it were of greater length...I would enjoy entering this character to a greater degree. Perhaps this says more about me than the tale? But then that is one of the uses, for a reader, of the well told tale - is it not? All in all an enjoyable tale. I shall return to see if more is forthcoming...I hope, I hope. :)
I am going to read several, if not all the posted chapters of this work - and comment on them. I do this as I feel that this work has the possibility of a good tale.
However, I feel that the set-up of the Ordinary World and translation to the Inciting Incident/Special World has too much telling and does not take advantage of this authors clear ability to show. Hopefully this will shift as the tale unfolds.
This author seems to be able to show - many don't seem to posses this skill. I look forward to being shown and allowed to experience this world.
Much more showing and less telling here. Story moves at a better clip and dis-belief retreats. Special world reader is invited to enter is really beginning to be enterable. Very nice. I am about to enjoy the experience. After all that is the reason for writing , is it not?
The author seems to be quite good at showing and , therefore I cannot understand quite why the author doesn't utilize this talent more.The tale benefits thereby, imo.
I like the story idea...but, there is entirely too much telling and not enough showing - in my opinion. Perhaps others are more the being told type. I do require more showing. Pace seemed off and running. Delightful. I do believe that the way to tighten it up and not have the drag against reader invovlement would be showing and not telling. I would like to see more of the story.
Very nice. Especially enjoyed Jim's point. Bit more on the therapist would have been good (imho) but that may well be a personal point of desire. Haven't read such a lovely bit of mixed stream writing in some time. Perhaps you have more of this sort of thing? I do hope so and am about to begin following you to see. Again, thanks for the read - much pleasure.
I like it, I like it. But...it needs tightening up. There were too many parts I felt like skimming. A sure sign that too much was being said about too little. I couldn't help but feel that the story was about one third too long and thereby missed the jewel-like status it should and could (in my opinion) enjoy. The idea is quite good and the execution not far from what it should be. However, it is in the execution that I take issue. In places it lags and in others promises much but does not deliver. It has a very good "Marching Morons" feel to it. Made me miss the old S.F. pulps.
Author has loads of talent and seems close to realizing it. I look forward to seeing more of this writers work.
This could be a great story. It has points that stimulate interest and permit the needful suspension of disbelief. However, there are some problems with the flow and continuity. I kept getting "left hanging" just when I'd begin to enter the world the author posited. I really wanted to go...but, the door kept slamming in my face.
It would delight me to see this story refined and completed. I feel that, with some additional work and removal of excess verbiage it would be quite captivating.
I was reminded, while reading it, of the advice: "If it doesn't move the story - cut it." I hope the author will polish it and let us see it again.
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