May I suggest an additional guideline for posting questions to this and the other support forums?
* Use descriptive titles. Members who are looking for help may wish to browse the existing messages before posting a new question. However, message titles such as "Problem" or "Question" give no clue as to the content. Instead use titles like "I'm not receiving emails" or "How do I search reviews?"
This is a thoughtful poem, and I like the double metaphor of circles (ceiling fan, and circle-of-life).
I have a few suggestions. Your second stanza starts with
>Returning home after his dream-quest
>He feels as if he's never left
The above is (I think) the start of a flashback, but I didn't realize it on the first reading, and so was mightily confused by this and the next paragraph. Maybe a transition that lets us know where we are in time would help. Unfortunately, making a transition that fits the style is going to be tough! I tried the following, but it only half-works:
"Returning home in middle years, the early dreams played out,
He feels as if he's never left ..."
The second comment is that your tenses weren't consistent. Your flashback was started in present tense ("he feels"), and that's ok, but later it switched to past tense ("He vowed..."). Was that on purpose?
The third comment is that the following three lines each struck me as ungraceful, and perhaps could be replaced with something more ... well .. poetic <g>.
>Ultimately driving him from the only home he had known.
>Living away from the extreme criticism he had known at home.
>Craving to go home to the close-minded town that had chased him away in his youth.
The organization is good, and the essay is easy to read. I have three suggestions for improvement.
First, the entry "Regardless if I feel it deserves it, I am supporting the author by giving that high rating" is redundant with previous questions. This repetition gave me the impression that the author is slightly annoyed with the audience.
Second, there is at least one question from a timid and confused reviewer (yours truly) that was not covered: “I am a newbie here, and I am not at all sure if I ought to be rating or reviewing other people’s work until I’ve assimilated the culture and mores.”
Finally, the answer to “I think Writing.Com should come up with a different rating system” needs work! If I may be so bold, an appropriate response should include an invitation to submit suggestions for improvement to one of the discussion forums.
Regards,
Big Richard
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