well written and spell checked (even the dialect sections) with a good storyline that made me want to cry towards the end, some sections were a little thin i.e.
“Moses had gained such knowledge from match-racing days in Louisiana. He taught us a secret remedy I still use today; made with wild Cajun herbs mixed with corn meal, de-hulled oats, molasses, water, and then warmed to a soft mash.
I felt that this section was not needed or could have been changed up until the secret remedy then told us more about Moses in louisiana
hilarious!! I work in a nightclub that generally has a burger van outside every weekend and some nights it feels exactly like your hen night tales! well written with good spelling and punctuation and the asides worked brilliantly making the story even more humorous!
Well written,spell checked and very thought provoking especially at this time when nobody has any money and more businesses are closing down by the week. Things are set to get tougher too. I believe that everybody can relate to this piece whether they earn £5000 a year or £500.000 a year especially those with young families.
Aaaggghhh i really want to know what that noise was!
A well written piece with a great storyline and no spelling errors that i could see. Personally I would have kept the same noise all the way through the story rather than change it in the final paragraph as though the sound had moved with him rather than creating a new sound.
After reading the prologue and first 3 chapters i would say this is a good first draft that needs reworking in places and a clearer use of words such as their/there and expanding some paragraphs to give them more context, color and descriptions. I would also recommend losing the prologue and using the 1st chapter instead after reworking it slightly to allow for information to be brought across from the original prologue. overall it is very well written and i would love to see this published as a book. Your writing style reminds me so thoroughly of Garth Nix it is such a pleasure to read!
sketchy in sections due to the misuse of words such as their/there. Sections such as ", including colors Garen has not seen" need reworded to make more sense to the context so it would read "including colors that Garen never before seen in his life such as violets, emerald green so deep it made trees seem pale in comparison" etc I am loving the story so far though!
well thought out but lots of mistakes with mixing words up i.e. waiste instead of waste, you/your etc as even though the words are spelled correctly they can change the meanings.some paragraphs need reworking to make more sense but overall i cant wait to read the next chapter it reads a little like a Garth Nix novel!
i noticed the note at the top and agree with the spelling also the following section needs rewording as it contains the word dock too often and is generally weaker than the rest of the chapter.
"The boulder was heading for the dock which Shelby, her mom, Garen’s dad, and Kyle’s brother was on. Kyle jumped onto the dock and grabbed Shelby, then jumped back to shore. He put Shelby down on a rock and got ready to jump back to the dock so he could grab his brother, but as soon as he got into the air, the boulder hit the dock and it seemed like everything went into slow motion. Shelby was screaming, Garen was yelling at Kyle to not jump, the boulder was smashing everyone on the dock into the rushing river, Sailban was getting washed away with the heavy current, and a lot of pieces and splinters from the dock were hitting Kyle in midair, because he never made it onto the dock, and he slammed down on shore."
another point here is that we didn't know that Kyle has a brother it would make more sense if he was introduced first as kyle is waking up even if it is just a quick mention?
fairly well written although patchy in places i.e. the Spaniards death and a little more information with the old man would have help with the story. spelling was alright though there was a section near the beginning where there is an extra word in a sentence making it lose sense,
quite a comedic short story the beginning and end well thought out though the middle section could use a little work on the plot. overall though i enjoyed reading this. Kaas is so named as it is a vegan cheese made from soya and really made the character fit nicely in the world of cheese!
very moving and thought provoking, dealing not just with the obvious themes but also the need to feel loved. well written with no obvious spelling or grammar errors. I could really engage with this story as sections, such as the opening paragraphs, are reminiscent of my life.
I found this Ghazal well written and thought provoking each stanza being synonymous with so many different things that I had to read it several times and still i do not think i understand the original meaning of the author each read providing a very different thought process.
Such a mesmerizing plot, i just couldn't stop reading! Well written and the dialogue flows well. the only problem i have is that it was just too short i would love to see this turned into a novel telling more of the story of the weeks after the power was lost, how difficult it was to survive how people earned money and consumables to trade then following up with how everybody felt when their friends and family were dying around them and more detail in how his mind was failing.
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