I really like this story in that it illuminates and demonstrates the enormous impact we can have on each others lives, even with the most simple act or gesture. I'm especially fond of writers who are able to say so much in so few words. Therefore I would be remiss if I didn't offer a couple of suggestions that I think might serve to further tighten and therefore create a greater impact upon the reader. First of all the note, think about how you can express the same sentiment using as few words as possible. More as though it is a hint, a nudge, a spark leading to her epiphany. I also think you could remove the line, "One short note helped her to realize that life was too precious to be wasted on the things she hated so much." I think you have already demonstrated this in the change in her routine and demeanor after having read the note. The number one rule in writing is to show the reader, don't tell the reader. Again, let me make it perfectly clear I think this is a wonderful story that with minimal editing could become a work of art. Well done. Joey (Bodee)
I'm sorry, but I've read your piece over and for the life of me cannot figure how Simon and Garfunkel's Sound of Silence inspired this piece. As to the piece itself, I'm not sure if this was your intention, but it sounds didactic and condescending toward the human race. Compared to these "creatures of light" mankind is nothing but barbaric and self interested oafs. The one act of human kindness, which seemed a little to contrived, results in the death of the only decent human being in your piece. Maybe I'm missing something obvious, if so please let me know, clarify your intent. I suppose what confused me most, was the running motif as human being as "spoiler" or "contaminator" of what would otherwise be a perfect world inhabited by carefree beings of light forever dancing around in a meaningless existence. To arrive at that conclusion after hearing the beautiful harmonies and intricate poetry of Sound of Silence is beyond comprehension.
I take it this is a very personal poem. Actually, one I can't relate to at all, unfortunately I was raised by a mother with a Borderline Personality disorder who inflicted a great deal of damage on all those around her. I do like this piece, and I can relate when I look at other families I know and their relationships. I like its simplicity and honest in both language and emotion. Somewhat confessional. Joey
I understand your intention at attempting to illustrate the concept of "Maya", however, I think it is a mistake to assume that those "obstacles" imaginary or not, that "twist and bend" the growing tree, ignore the value of those unique qualities that define our individuality. Life, even according to Buddha, to the constant overcoming of those "obstacles" while still valuing them as learning opportunities. If ever tree grew straight and tall and perfect, what a boring landscape, what a meaningless existence.
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