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159 Public Reviews Given
187 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Finale  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting story, however, you tell rather than show the action. In order to really get to know a character we need to hear from him directly. While your topic is disturbing, the brutality almost an afterthought, it is compelling as a character study. But to really bring the reader into the experience, I believe it is necessary to give the characters dialogue. See if you can incorporate some external dialogue than merely omniscient narration and I think you will create a chilling, and revealing piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Ten Loves to One  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting poem as a character study of yourself. However, I think the last line may be somewhat pandering to this website. Not everyone is a member or reads the poetry presented on this site so the reference seems out of place compared with the rest of your observations. Otherwise it is a good concept and an interesting journey. Bodee


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of animatqua  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very good acrostic, personal, and emotional without being forced, as many attempting an acrostic do. You might like to read my acrostic. Rather than using a single word, I used an entire sentience that supported the thesis of the acrostic itself. If you would like chick out my portfolio to read it. I intentionally left out the title as to not give away the message of the acrostic, before reading the poem itself. Again, job well done!!!!! Bodee


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of To Be Pure Again  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I can relate to this piece as I was drugged, raped, beaten and left for dead. I wrote a poem about it after yeas of therapy that helped me bring me back to myself and place the blame where it belonged. The poem i wrote is entitled "With Dignity", it might help you work through your lingering issues and trauma. While this is a very personal poem, it doesn't rise to the level of being cathartic or revealing a universal truth that the reader may learn from your experience. We are left feeling that you need to work through this trauma and arrive at the realization that you were a child taken advantage of and the fault lies with those who abused you. Look deep with in, find the truth, find your true feelings about your abusers, is it hatred, is it pity, is it forgiveness??? Dig deep and give us more. Let us follow you through your journey of healing. Bodee


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Explore  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a sweet little poem that any parent can relate to, and I imagine have thought about many times. That desire to protect our children from the dangers and evils of the world. I would have found this rather cliche' except for the last line, "Let the baby go explore". We are obligated as parents to let our children grow and explore, no matter how hard that may seem, but it is not our feelings anymore that must dictate the life the child chooses, but rather a respect for the freedom of the child to grow and explore and become adults themselves.A well written, simple poem, with a simple yet profound message. Well done!! (Bodee) Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Bodee
Rated: E | (4.0)
You clearly have a comprehensive belief, or non-belief system. I find all of your arguments interesting and compelling. There are just two minor problems I have with your piece, the first is your lengthy apparent apology for your beliefs, and your determination not to offend anyone. Truth often offends. It's that simple. Please do not "soften" the blow at the beginning of your piece as it tends to have the affect of apologizing for your beliefs. Secondly, you should really study the history of how those other belief system evolved. Rather than using the typical "can god make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it" arguments, the actual historical arguments carry much more weight and hopefully nudge those of blind faith to open their eyes and find meaning and truth for themselves.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Rain  
Review by Bodee
Rated: E | (2.5)
Maybe it's just the mood I'm in, but I find this short piece overflowing with trite image and cliche metaphors straing for meaning that just can't be found. You obviously have a lyrical tone and a well verse vocabulary, however, you need to use those tools to say sometime meaningful to your reader. I assure you we have all experienced the first rain of spring, but what makes this day special to you?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Leave me now  
Review by Bodee
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
I am very sorry that I can't in good conscience give this piece a positive review. The loss of a love can effect each of us differently, but I find many of your images trite, forced, and even misplaced. For instance, the idea that your lost love brought the rain, to many rain is a good and beneficial thing, but you seem to use rain in a literal sense rather than as a metaphorical aspect of how you felt. Further, to write in so many questions seems forced and a bit short sighted when most of the time we know exactly why a relationship fails when we honestly examine ourselves and experience. Don't leave those questions unanswered, they leave the poet sounding bitter and unable to be honest with his/herself much less the reader. Some lines just simply make no sense, "Love is not something given" really? I would wager that most readers would believe that love is something given. Given without expectation, given freely. And "grieve me no longer", it sounds more that the writer is the one experiencing grief not the love that walked away. I would suggest that you take some time to sit and think about your relationship, why it ended, how it effected you, Find something new to say about a theme that has been written about ad nauseam. Good luck


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Bodee
Rated: E | (3.0)
I appreciate your free form style, however, I think you've failed in a basic necessity of this piece. You have not given us, the reader, enough information to intimately know the speaker, the person to whom she is speaking, and more importantly their relationship. I get the sense that the both know each other intimately and at the same time they are completely strangers. Just some thoughts. Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of THE ROSE  
Review by Bodee
Rated: E | (2.5)
I applaud your obvious enthusiasm, however, I find your story completely unrealistic and unbelievable. Aside from obsessive behavior reflected in his morning "routines" and his obsession with his beloved rose, we really don't know much more about this character, his motivations, his relationships, etc. I also find it completely unrealistic that someone with such supposed gardening skill would cut his rose thinking that would keep it alive. It is absurd. However, having said that, you do have the framework for a very good story if you approach is in a much different way. Your character displays interesting aspects, such as everything seems to be just out of his reach, the vases, the scissors, his wife, his children. Develop the story from that perspective of a man who's happiness is just out of reach therefore he puts all his wants and desires, his humanity, into the rose. Striving for perfection, because in that perfection he believes the rose is returning his loyalty and love. But in the end his hubris ends up destroying the rose. Destroying his only chance at happiness. "As his wife and children left his alone, the screen door slammed, and the blood red petals drifted gently to the floor."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Revenge  
Review by Bodee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is an especially dark and gripping piece. I wonder what inspired this. Poetically speaking, i think your voice and style are fine, however, you are telling a story of rape and revenge and I'm afraid there isn't really enough of the story present. Who is she getting revenge against? Why are innocent children the target of her revenge? I think this has the making of a very interesting and compelling poem, but I think you need too approach this with more of a narrative in mind. You are telling a very dramatic story, give us the detail we need to understand your main character, what happened to her, and why and how she seeks revenge. Good Luck!!! Bodee


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Image  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a truly interesting poem. You express a great deal of animosity, however, I'm not quite sure to whom you are directing that ire. I have several guesses, but as a reader I shouldn't have to guess. You metaphor of the "mushroom" is fascinating and I wish you had developed it more, though notion of fungus, how it grows, spreads and can live for years and years. Also how important fungi is to the over-all ecosystem. This piece is like the structure, or outline of a greater piece that truly expresses what you are trying to say. What I find most interesting is that the writer is just as charged with the same behavior that is complained about. "When someone gets angry with me, I tend to bite them back, I usually assume that is because their souls are just black." This piece sounds like a personal rant, I think you would be better served to let us in on the story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of All I Want  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have an amazing ability to combine the sublime and the absurd. The importance and the trivial, and the true joy of life can be found in the trivial. Stripping away all of the complications of life to those simple moments and objects that inspire both writing and love. After all, that's all we really want in life, is to write and to love and to be understood and appreciated. You have done a wonderful job of interweaving these human elements in a roller coaster ride of the bare naked truth of life. Well, done. Bodee


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Bodee
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I found it easier to edit your work by simply rewriting it in its entirety in order to eliminate some of the misspelling, and the unnecessary repetitive use of names and some rather wordy sections. Although I took the tight to tighten up your story, I still have left with the feeling that the story is incomplete.The ghost specifically said that the main character would finally solve the mystery of his death. In order to complete the story, you are going to have to solve the mystery of his death no only for him, but also for the reader. The following is my editing of your story. please use what you like, or eliminate what you don't. Let me know what you think. Thanks! Joey (Bodee)

Gazing out at the pristine whiteness, Alicia smiled. How beautiful, Alicia murmured to herself as light snow flakes floated down from the heavy dark clouds, blanketing the already well-covered ground. How deceptive, she thought. Pure and clean, yet hiding a lot of hard work. The front steps and pathway must be cleared, but she would put it off because it is freezing outside. She glanced towards the box of chopped logs near the hearth and thinking aloud said, "At least I can keep warm in the house. There are plenty more logs on the veranda. It’s still snowing so I'll wait a while. If it eases off I'll sneak out and check the horses in the barn."

The weather forecast this morning forebodes deteriorating conditions later this afternoon. Looking towards the stables, her expression betrayed her concern for her animals. Five horses, a fine, thoroughbred black stallion, three exquisite mares, all in different shades of gray and a most adorable baby colt, she had named “Cobalt”. They’re all snug and warm in their stalls but she would like to check them when she got a chance. Little Cobalt is a strong, sturdy colt but he is only two days old."

Her pleasant reverie was interrupted as she glimpsed movement near the woodshed. She swore she saw something. Something out of place, Unfamiliar. A powerful feeling of foreboding overcame her. It was something she could not understand but it was not the first time she felt an apprehension about that area outside the woodshed.

Once inside, she stoked a fire, unpacked her luggage, and settled in. But she couldn’t get that image, that strange movement out of her mind. she continued to peer out the living room window towards the area where she had noticed movement. "Could be a fox, I suppose," she tried to dismiss it, but knew she was only fooling herself. There it is again. The movement startled her, even though she was half expecting it. The snow has eased. She had to investigate. She had to know. Grabbing her coat from the hook by the back door, she pulled it on. She snatched a woolen beanie and put it on under the hood of the jacket. With warmly gloved hands she grabbed the shotgun from the wall and ventured out into the freezing air. She gasped at the shock she felt as the frigid air hit her face, taking her breath away.

It is slippery, even with the heavy boots she wore. I must be careful.” she thought. Tramping as quietly as possible, she reached the woodshed, sheltering briefly in its cover before carefully sneaking to the right side of the building. The overhang of the roof prevented the snow from piling up close to the shed but there was still a light covering of white. Nothing to see, but wait, something has been here. It could be a stray dog judging by that hole he'd dug. A dirty snow-streaked mound was spread in an untidy mess. Alicia realized the reason she did not come around this side of the woodshed, it was creepy here. An obscure, mysteriously weird feeling enveloped her, an inexplicable atmosphere Alicia could not fathom nor could she ignore. I was stupid to come out here alone was her thought as an icy, horrifying sensation washed over her. She was physically shaking and her mouth went dry.

Crouching, she looked into the hole, pushing her gloved hand inside. She shuddered as she felt something hard. She stood and grabbed a shovel leaning against the woodshed. She began digging, enlarging the size of the hole. The wet dirt was easy to dig and soon she was able to look down into it. She gasped audibly as she discovered the hard object was a skull. Reality left her, her senses heightened. She felt dizzy just as a misty form of a very old man stood before her. Smiling at her he said in a haunting whisper, "At last! Someone has found me. Fourteen years I've lingered here, murdered by my own brother. I know you will see justice is done. My murder is solved. As if on the wind, the mist cleared and the figure vanished.

Alicia was gasped for air. She was in shock. How eerie, what just happened then? She thought as she bent to pick up the skull. What am I going to do with it? I don't want to take it into the house. She reasoned, I'll just drop it in the hessian bag I often use for taking kindling into the house. I’ll leave it on the table on the veranda.

Talking care not to slip, she walked as quickly as possible across the snow- covered ground back to the house. Hurrying to the veranda she gently placed the bag containing the skull onto an old table.

Once inside, she collapsed into the armchair and pulled her mother’s quilt over her, to somehow gather her thoughts. Her heart pounded in her chest and ears, her breathing short and rapid. "What now?" she wondered.

Pulling herself together, Alicia stood up and reached for the telephone. .
She phoned the police, the only logical thing to do.

"Constable Kirston here," said a voice at the other end of the phone.

Even though she tried, Alicia's voice sounded shocked and shaky. "Constable, it is Alicia Johnson here. I found a skull in a hole near my woodshed."

Kirston replied, "Did you now? Were there any other bones?"

"I don't know. I guess there could be, but I was to frightened and cold to look any further" replied Alicia.

Kirston said, "Miss Johnson, don't dig any more. I'll get a team out there as soon as this weather clears."

"Would you like me to drive out?”

"No, no, I’ll be fine.” There was a long pause. “Constable Kirston, do you know of anyone who died out here?" Alicia asked tentatively.

"Yes, it could be that I do. Many years ago, about fourteen or so if I remember, the bloke who owned your place, Harry Pickering, went missing. He was never found. Everyone suspected that he must have wandered off into the woods and died. We conducted huge search of your property and the bush land adjoining it, but nothing was ever found. It was a huge story way back then. It is not unusual to hear one of the old-timers mention him from time to time." he answered. He had a brother who sold up and left town about ten years back."

"Oh!" gasped Alicia. "I've been here ten years but I never met the owner. His name was Joe Pickering?"

"That's right. He inherited the property seven years after his brother, Harry went missing. He was a strange fellow. We always suspected he had something to do with his brother's disappearance."

"How is the road leading to your place? Is it passable?” Asked Kirston.

Alicia answered, "I don't know. There's a good covering of snow. It's about a foot deep near the house but it's probably not so bad on the road. A bit hard to say really."

"Never mind, I'll send someone out there as soon as I can. Will you be all right till then?" continued the officer.

"I'm fine thank you Constable. I'll go out and cover that hole now." she replied.

"Good. Be careful Miss Johnson. This is no weather to be outside. Bye"

"Goodbye Constable Kirston, "Alicia said as she put down the phone.

She couldn’t help herself, she had to go back to see the hole, to make it all real. "Strange," she mused. "I don't have that eerie, creepy feeling any more." When she heard a movement, she looked up in surprise. Standing right near her was a brown and white Kelpie dog.

"Where did you come from boy? She greeted him. He came closer to her, warily. Alicia put out a tentative, gloved hand to pat his head. He moved even closer to her and nuzzled his head into her.

"Come on boy, are you hungry? Let's go back to the house and I'll find you something to eat."

With the dog beside her, Alicia turned to walk back to the house when she noticed her neighbor, Bill Saunders driving through her gate towards them. He drove right up to the woodshed, before clambering out of his four-wheel drive. "Are you all right, Alicia?" He asked breathlessly.

"Yes Bill, I am. What are you doing here?" she answered.

"Came to check on you. Constable Kirston rang me. Told me you found a skull. Did you, Alicia?"

"Yes, I sure did. It frightened the life out of me.' replied Alicia.

"Where'd you find it?" Bill inquired.

"Over here," said Alicia, pointing at the covered hole.

"Whose dog is it?" queried Bill pointing at the Kelpie.

"I don't know. He seemed to come out of nowhere. He's quite friendly. I was about to take him into the house. He looks hungry," was Alicia's reply.

"Looks old too. Poor old fellow. You know Alicia, the old bloke who lived here many years ago had a puppy just like him. No. it couldn't be him, it's too long ago."

"Do you want to come inside, Bill? It is cold out."

"Thanks but no, Alicia. I just wanted to check if you were all right. I will another time. I want to get home before the weather deteriorates. I heard on the forecast that we're in for more snow and strong winds. I don't fancy getting caught in that."

"I don't blame you, Bill, see you later."

"Yeah! Will you be all right with that dog? I'll take him if you like," Bill offered.

"No, thanks all the same, Bill. He'll be fine. I think he belongs here."

"Yeah! I believe he does. I'll see you soon." Bill spoke while getting into his wagon.

Alicia waved as he drove off, then turned and walked back into the house. She grinned as she watched the dog walking beside her. When they entered the house he walked ahead of her right into the kitchen. "You seem to know you way around here, boy,." she murmured while ruffling his head. "I'll find you something to eat."Opening the refrigerator door she looked inside and located some left over lamb. "Here we are. You'll like this." She grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and piled the lamb into it. She'd keep the bone till later.

"Here you are, boy." Alicia said while putting the bowl in front of him.

It was gone in a moment. "You were hungry, you poor old fellow." He looked at Alicia with his head cocked to one side, as if to say,” Thank you."

The Kelpie sauntered quietly into the living room and flopped himself onto the mat in front of the glowing fireplace.

"Well, make yourself at home, why don't you?" said Alicia with an amused tone. Momentarily the warmth of the room seemed to dim, replaced by a waft of frigid air. There stood a gray, the same misty figure, the shape of a very old man with a dark beard. He pointed to the dog and smiled warmly. Once again he vanished.

Alicia felt he was pleased because the Kelpie dog was home where he aught to be. Funny, apart from the change in the warmth of the room, Alicia's former feelings of horror and dread were absent. In their place was a feeling of peace and that things were how they should be. She knew that no one else would ever believe her story. She would work with the police by assisting in any way she could to resolve the mystery of the murder but no one needed to know what she had seen today.

Looking at the dog, Alicia said. 'I am going to call you Harry after your master." He opened a drowsy eye and looked at her while she spoke. Alicia continued speaking, looking at no one visible, "It is all right Harry. He can stay here. I'll look after him".


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Patchwork  
Review by Bodee
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
There is a great deal of potential in this story, that unfortunately you did not take advantage of. The title "Patchwork" is the most potent and powerful indicator of which way the story could have developed. Leaving aside for now the numerous editing problems in the story, I would rather focus on the story itself. There are many questions left unanswered. Why was Lena so easily swayed away from a solid relationship with Kieran? How did Kieran's friend seem to know that Lena wasn't in love with Kieran? What was the point of the story? The metaphor of the quilt seemed to be tacked on rather than interwoven into the story. The potential that seemed to be lost was in Kieran's inactivity. Why didn't he fight to find out what was going on? Why didn't he "piece" together the story, as one pieces together a quilt? Why didn't Kieran know that Lena was so broken and why didn't he know that she was caught up in a such a dangerous world, when he was supposed to be so clearly in love with her? To many unanswered questions and too many unrealistic actions and reactions. What was the purpose of Danny? There are nurmerous editing problems, however, just in fixing those problems doesn't really fix the underlining problems with this story. I printed of your story and went through it word by word. I suggest you rewrite this story and include an overall theme, using the quilt as a metaphor, as Kieran puts the pieces together. I left the story feeling that I hadn't learned a thing about any of the characters or their motivations. There is a clear lack of symbolism, theme, structure and meaning. Having said that that, you have the potential of a good story, but it will require a great deal of rewriting and thought as to just exactly what you are trying to convey.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of I AM  
Review by Bodee
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent!!! It is strange how similar this is to my piece. As though you wrote in a much more personal and direct manner, while I chose to write in a more spiritual tone. :D
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Review of Silence  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You have a unique and amazing ability to slowly and yet vividly create a scene. You detail revealing many forms of recognizing death is truly inspiring. You also do a wonderful job in providing detail to create a fully realized scene which reflect the apparent tragedy. If I have any criticism it would be that the reader is left wonder what happened to all these people? Is this the aftermath of a war? A plague striking the town? It certainly may have been your intention to omit the cause and focus on the world left behind which you clearly succeeded in accomplishing. So please take it only as my humble opinion that I was left yearning for some explanation. Again, you detail and subtle revelation it truly wonderfully crafted and original.

Joey (Bodee) Dalton Fortunate member of the Raising Star Program ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of Butch  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is truly a wonderful and humorous character study of a young man's determination not to like or accept his mother's new boyfriend. You did a wonderful job in realistically and gradually developing the relationship between Joey and Butch. You dialogue is flawless, humorous and very realistic. This is a great example of how a relatively familiar theme, and a simple conflict, can be presented in a fresh and entertaining manner. A wonderful read reminiscent of Chekhov. Further, you did a wonderful job in individualizing Joey through well-chosen and familiar details. Again, a truly entertaining read!!!!

Joey (Bodee) Dalton - Fortunate member of Rising Star Program!!! { image:1784293}
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Review of Kunti  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The language and form of this poem are both engaging, leaving the reader with a real sense of curiosity as to just what you are trying to convey. However, I must say your title referring to Kunti leaves me somewhat confused. I fail to see how this poem, essentially about the destructive power of attempting to hold a secret, relates in anyway to Kunti, a most revered woman in the Mahabharata. I think if you removed Kunti from the title and the note at the end, and focused on the secret and its effect on the narrator, you would have the making of a much more meaning poem. Or, if you want to write about Kunti, I would suggest you do some research into her specifically. Kunti is certainly a rare and interesting character. You could write about the mantra given to her by the rishi Durvasa that would allow her to summon any diva and have a child by him. She is also Krishna aunt. She was a very obedient and pious woman, who had three sons. As I'm sure you can see, Kunti would be a fascinating character to research and write about. However, she doesn't seem to fit in this poem. As I said though, this is an interesting poem when you focus solely on the trauma from keeping a dangerous secret. I do however, think you need to have mercy on us the reader, and give us a few more hint or allusions as to what you are trying to say. JUST MY OPINION!! I really do like your style of writing, word choice and unique cadance and structure. Hope this review was helpful!!!

Joey (Bodee) Dalton - Fortunate member of Rising Star Program!!!
> > ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of The Presentation  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ken, in all honesty, I throughly enjoyed this story. It was an excellent and creative interpretation of the photo prompt. I also appreciated the pace of the story and the emotional "ride" Meredith took that morning. Now, any worthwhile critique should not only the point out the merits of a piece, but more importantly, some ways in which the author might tighten or strengthen the work. When writing an in-depth critique, I will normally focus on several elements that I believe are essential to a well-written story; character, tone, detail/description and theme. It is my belief that theme is the central element, the meaning the author is trying to convey, and that the other elements should all, in their own way, illuminate and support that theme.

I think the theme of this piece is "calm down, everything will be fine". That is my simplistic interpretation anyway. So now let's take a look at how each of the elements I've listed successfully support or illuminate that theme. Your character Meredith is well defined, extremely realistic, and interesting in her own right. By utilizing internal dialogue the reader gets to know her quickly and it adds to the emotional ride that is driving her. She, and her predicament, are also easily relatable by the reader. (We've all been in that situation, rushing to somewhere important) She also experiences that old adage, "if it can go wrong, it will". However, rather than presenting a cliche time worn story, you have successfully used each of the obstacles put in Meredith's way, and her responses to them, to further personalize/individualize her. Now to get specific, I would suggest changing the word "invaded" in the first line. First of all, the light didn't successfully invade her eyes, and it doesn't really fit with the detail of the sunlight as a "mischievous child". I'm giving this special attention, because your description of the sunlight as a mischievous child foreshadows and characterizes the day Meredith is about to experience. You may want to choose a word which supports that foreshadowing, such as, "...until it danced annoyingly on Meredith's eyelids." To continue with your opening paragraph, I think you might want to tighten it up while adding additional information or foreshadowing. "She instinctually pulled the blanket over her head, determined to stay focused in the vivid dream. It was important. This was the meeting, the presentation she had been anticipating, dreading, but she was ready. Nothing was going to distract her. In the dream meeting, she turned away from the morning sun shining through the window and paid full attention to Mr. Jenkins." Then pick back up with your dream sequence.

The rest of these suggestions are going to focus on detail and description and how realistic the dialogue is, while maintaining your character and theme.

Meredith bolted upright. "The light!" she shrieked. It shouldn't be this bright! I would change this line to internal dialogue.

She looked at the clock. "Oh my God, it's after 8:00!" She was late and today was the presentation.

Panic forced her to jump out of bed. (but she pulled herself up short.) I'm not sure what this means, "pulled herself up short". I think I might have her stub her toe or something, which forces her to "focus". She took a deep breath and outlined a new plan of attack, reminding herself, "You're organized, you're together, and you're ready!" And you're oh, so late, (crossed her mind) I would remove "crossed her mind" as your italics tell us that. (as she sprang to get ready). I would change this line to "She sprang into action." Because you are using a lot of action words, like; forced, attack. Her Blackberry was violently vibrating but she didn't have time. "I'll get to you but not now," she told the phone and promptly put it out of her mind. Focus! (I added "violently" before vibrating, just to keep the sense of "battle" beginning and a little hyperbole for fun.)

I like the next paragraph in which Meredith grins at her own compulsive behavior and then you give us an example of her compulsive behavior and of how this day is going to be different as she decides not to brush her teeth fifty strokes. I think this is an important paragraph in that it makes the reader wonder if Meredith is truly compulsive, why didn't the alarm go off? And further, if she had kept to her compulsive routine, would this day have been unusual at all? In keeping with this "new" Meredith, who is flouting her compulsive behavior, I would change the next line to read something like, "She tossed the toothpaste soaked blouse across the room and it landed on the alarm clock. She could read 8:25 through the wet fabric. Don't Panic!" with don't panic an internal dialogue.

When it comes to detail and description, I'm a firm believer in less is more, so for the remainder of this review, I'm going to copy the rest of your story and simply edit out words, details or descriptions that I think are unnecessary, redundant, or just get in the way of your story. I may also add in parenthesis sections I find especially good or effective.


Meredith navigated the bedroom, grabbed a new blouse and finished dressing. She shot a longing look at the coffee pot as she scurried past, knowing she didn't have time. The way the day's going, I'd probably spill it, she mused, picking up her case and heading out.

She hit the elevator button and waited, her sense of urgency approaching panic. She hit the button again ... and again ... and ... Ding. The trip down to the garage level took forever. She shot through the opening doors and collided with Mr. Skinner, the building superintendant. The collision sent him backwards and popped open her computer bag. She watched in horror as her presentation erupted into the air and sheets began to scatter.

"Whoa, little lady," he said.

"I'm so late and now this!" Tears began to well in Meredith's eyes.

"Don't worry. Go get your car and I'll pick these up. By the time you're back, I'll have them all."

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Skinner," she blurted, giving him a quick hug and running down the lane toward her car, the sound of her heels echoing.
(I like how you get a real sense of Meredith through her interaction with Mr. Skinner. She comes off as caring and friendly, someone Skinner is anxious to help)
Jersey Girl, the old white Ford Taurus sat just where she'd left it. Old reliable. I can always count on you. The car had been a present from her folks when she graduated college and she had taken meticulous care of it. "Someday ..." she often mused but that day had yet to come. Maybe after the presentation? Hmm. It had been her security blanket, reminding her of family and stability in the rush of daily life.

Sliding in, she pumped the pedal three times and turned the key. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrr. Nothing. She turned the key again. Click, click, click. The tears that Meredith had felt before now began flowing down her cheeks which turned bright red with her frustration.

Knock, knock, knock. She jumped. Mr. Skinner was standing at the door with the papers in his hand. "Sounds like your battery's dead."

"What can I do?" she said, sniffling back the tears.

"I can call AAA for you. They can be here in half an hour." Seeing the look on her face, he added, "or, I can call you a cab. It might get here sooner."

Meredith began to sob.

"I'd offer to drive you but my car's in the shop. I'm reduced to riding my daughter's bike if I want to go anywhere," he said, trying to lighten the moment.

A desperate thought suddenly surfaced in Meredith's mind. It was around two miles to the office. She could be there in fifteen minutes. Glancing at her watch again, she saw it was 8:35. Yes, she could still make the meeting ... barely. "A bike? Would you lend it to me? I promise to take care of it," she pleaded, knowing he would say yes. Mr. Skinner always said yes.

Mr. Skinner's eyes grew wide. "Well, I guess it would be okay ... if you're sure. This must be an important engagement you have."

"You have no idea."

She followed him up to the first level where the bike was parked. "She's nothing fancy but she's in good shape." He pointed to the green Schwinn resting on its kick stand.

"It's perfect." She propped her computer case against the front handle bars, straddled the bike and shoved off with a "Thank You" yelled over her shoulder. He yelled something back but it was lost as she focused on keeping her balance.

It had been years since Meredith had ridden a bike and that became evident as she wobbled down the street. She thought about that old adage, something about, once you learned to ride a bike... Slowly, she gained confidence and began pedaling faster and faster. This is exhilarating! Why haven't I thought of this before? She loved the feel of the morning air rushing by and it felt good to be doing something other than just sitting in traffic. Speaking of which, she thought, adjusting her position as she bounced over a rough patch of road, I guess I forgot about cobblestone wedgies. Gritting her teeth, she continued to speed up.

The light at the intersection turned yellow as she approached. "Brake" flashed through her mind as she instinctively reversed her pedaling. With the sudden application of full brakes, Meredith felt the rear wheel lock and begin a slow-motion skid to her right. Without thinking, she put out her left leg to keep herself upright and felt the heel of her shoe snap.

Skidding to a stop, Meredith tried to calm her shaking as the adrenaline coursed through her. "Oh, perfect! At this rate I should have just driven into traffic and ended it all!"

She took a deep breath and exhaled. "God – I don't know why you're trying me today but I'm no quitter. You've got to do better than this," she exclaimed, setting her jaw in a determined manner.

Beep, beep! A blaring horn startled her and, looking up, she saw the light had turned green. She waved at the driver, pushed off, and was soon covering the last few blocks to the office. She maneuvered the bike down the ramp into the parking garage and put it next to the elevator. It was 8:50. I've got ten minutes to get cleaned up and to the boardroom, she thought, entering the elevator and pushing the button for 8.

Exiting on the eighth floor, she hobbled to the ladies room. What confronted her in the mirror was almost too much to take in. Her hair was windblown, her face was dotted with perspiration, and she had a black smudge on her cheek. "Too bad! I made it and that's what matters!" The image seemed to agree and smiled back. She tucked in her blouse, wiped her face and patted her hair. She pulled off her good shoe and with a quick motion, tore the heel off. "You're too tall anyway," she accused the mirror with a smile.

She picked up her computer bag and, squaring her shoulders, she marched out and to the reception desk. "Ms. Meredith Johnson for Mr. Jenkins. I've a 9:00 presentation for the Board today."

"Yes, Ms. Johnson. One moment please." The receptionist picked up the phone and called. "Yes, Mr. Jenkins. Ms. Johnson is here for the meeting." A long pause followed as she busily began writing notes. "Yes, Mr. Jenkins."

Hanging up, the receptionist said, "Mr. Jenkins is terribly sorry. One of the Board members was ill and the meeting has been rescheduled for next Monday at the same time. He said he sent you an email and text. He apologizes for any confusion."

Meredith smiled, moved over to the waiting area and collapsed into an overstuffed chair. Thinking back over the events of the morning, she began smiling. The ridiculousness of the day soon had her giggling. After all the worry and obsessing over the presentation ... and then today! She couldn't help herself, soon, she was choking back laughter, snorting as her eyes teared up. One thing she knew as she finally regained control and headed back to the bike - after today, the presentation was going to be a ride in the park! The thought made her start giggling again as she turned the bike toward the park, for a nice leisurely ride.

What I really like about this story, is that you were able to bring about real change in this character, from someone who apparently suffered and worried over the presentation, and who suffered from compulsive behavior. Keep in mind, any changes I made are just suggestions, use them or not, it is your story, and an excellent story at that!! Congratulations! I'm very proud of you. :D Bodee

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Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A truly wonderful piece!! After the opportunity to read all the submissions to the North Star contest, I was quite sure you unique and fascinating piece is the clear and obvious winner. Congratulations!!!! Bodee (Joey)
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Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't read signs of dementia, or insanity, or unsocial behavior. I read determination, fierce individuality and resignation. Having grown up with two older and quite vicious sisters, and three younger pain in the ass brothers, I learned a similar lesson at a very young age. I've always been an artist and too many times I saw my work torn to shreds for no other reason than there was nothing else to do on a rainy day. I learned that as much as we'd like to believe our creations will last forever, they don't, they won't. So more importantly I think, I learned that it is in the creation itself, the process, the act that we should find ourselves, our meaning, our happiness. You've recaptured that sense of childhood in this wonderful story, and reminded me that, though some lessons are hard to learn, they are well worth it in the years to come. Bodee (Joey)
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Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have created a very realistic and detailed picture of the world through the eyes of a little mouse. Good use of detail not only to provide the reader with a clear view of the environment, you have also used excellent action verbs and adverbs to describe the "political" environment and attitudes that unfortunately so often work to extinguish the dreams of youth. I also like your use of repetition and hyperbole to underscore and comment on the attitudes of the elders; "A million miles," "A danger zone," and "Sanctuary." And in your descriptions of the young mouse in the voice of the elders, "tiny-footed rodents," "foolish rodents," "wayward mouse," "mouse still young," and "mouse still dumb."

There are some "sticklers" for maintaining a set rhyme scheme, however, I think your variations of rhyme occur at all the appropriate places to provide emphasis or designate a particular voice or attitude. As your story progresses, the scheme changes just as you sense the "elders" are ranting and it also gives one the impression that they are becoming more and more aggressive in their condemnation of the young mouse and his dreams. Finally returning to your initial scheme as the young mouse becomes resigned to his fate and the declarations of the "elders," though they can't prevent him from dreaming. They can't take that away can they? Well done! Bodee
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Review by Bodee
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Joey (Bodee) Dalton - Fortunate member of Rising Star Program!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Very cute. Seems to be a light-hearted look at what I suspect may be a personal introspection. One of those lessons we learn as we look back over our lives and the tone reflects the forgiveness we tend to give ourselves for the mistakes we made in youth. Remember, that "flake" can melt, and be the potential that a raindrop promises. Maybe the seed of a companion poem in that? hmmmm :D Well done. Joey
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Review of Bête Noire  
Review by Bodee
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I read through several of your works before I settled on this one to offer comment and feedback. This piece appears to hold the most honesty not only in content but also in structure. It is immediately obvious that you are addressing yourself, and it is those "honest" sections of the poem that ring most true and flow most freely. I think it gets a little awkward in sound and rhythm when you inject the notion that you've learned your lesson, that you have to make things right. That is where I began to waver. Such a moment of personal introspection, requires absolute honesty. It's one of the few times when can look at ourselves for who we are. I like the physical attributes like "bleary eyes" and "gray hair" which reinforce that moment of honest consideration. I think you should delve more into that. Show us that person who is "especially disliked". Don't excuse his failings by pretending that you are going to fix everything you've done wrong, accept them, accept yourself as human, with human failings. Comb your fingers through your hair, make yourself presentable and give us the sense that you know who you are, and know what you should do. Make us believe you are going to walk away from your image, changed by the truth you've seen.
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