What I Liked
I liked the ideas and emotions behind this. This must have been a terrible day for you, and it gives you a great base for your poem. However...
What Could Be Better
You need to use more poetic devices to express your emotions. This poem is very simple. You don't really do anything wrong, but you don't really do anything right, either.
Try using more imagery to describe your sisters face, or the pain you felt. Use a wider vocabulary to describe your mother.
I think you should also add some detail as to how you felt about your mother. Betrayed? Indifferent? Hatred? Put it in there, it would help a lot.
All in All
This is a good peice with a lot of potential. Keep working on it, and it will be a great peice.
I think this is a great romance story, but it could use some work...
What I Liked
I love the idea and the plot behind this story. It is a great start. I also like the characters. Both of these combine in this story to make an exciting thrill ride. I also like your diverse writing style, a great vocab and a strong grip on written words.
What Could Be Better
The first thing I noticed was the dialogue in this story needs definite work.
"Hey Jason!" Dr. Brown yelled, halting me halfway up the walkway. "I will see you next week, and please, call me Kevin."
This is an example of the dialogue. Unless Dr. Brown is a robot, he would probably use "I'll". These small things make the speaker sound inhuman, and therefore hard to relate to. Things like that are littered through your story. I would reccomend doing dialogue excercises, writing a story with only dialogue.
My next problem is that you are very wordy in your writing. You tend to describe every detail to a T, which tends to bore the reader. What you need is more action in this story, and by action I mean different scenes, more dialogue, maybe another twist. You fill the space by describing useless details that only slow the pace of the story.
All in All
I think you have a great story on your hands, and with some work, you could make it a superb one.
This is a good piece... but it could be much better.
What I Liked
I loved the plot behind the story. It was intruiging, scary at some points, and overall good. It had some basis in reality, but it was deep enough into fiction to keep it interesting. You also posses a spectacular vocabulary, and you showed it... without overusing it.
What Could Be Better
The dialogue, while it isnt as bad as others I have seen, still is slightly flawed. The guy who works a photo shop speaks the same as a powerful photographer, who speaks the same as an advertisement creator. You should work on tones and vernacular within your dialogue, that will go a long way towards helping your story. Another thing I noticed is that you offer far too little description in a few major parts of the story, while you over-describe little things (like when Davena is getting dressed for her meeting with Ryan, we don't need to know what she was wearing). I think the part where she notices the pictures have re-arranged needs more detail. You just say it happened, and then move on. I think maybe the character needs to spend more time being creeped out than she does solving it at the beggining. That would make the character more believable. My last word of advice is to clear up the ending... how did she survive? Also, why is Tarrington only in civil court? Shouldnt this be a bigger deal?
All in All
This is a good piece with a great idea behind it. The dialogue and description need to be tweaked, but after that, you have good writing.
Wow. Amazing. This story needs to be published. Just one nit-picky problem. If you notice, the spelling of "Zack" at the beginning changes to "Zak" at the end. That didn't bother me too much though.
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