Hey! I really liked that story, what a fresh perspective. Seeing the world through the eyes of an animal, and with the imagination of a person is good, very good. Do you use the prepositions the way you do on purpose? If so - great!
Keiffer: I reviewed this once but there was a glitch and I think it was lost. If I am wrong, this one is redundant. But if not..........
This is a great fast paced story. I was pulled in from the first line (Great first lines are a key) and did not lose interest at any point in the story. I quickly started to care about the protagonist and was rooting for her all the way. The plot is full of twists and turns and the ending is super, a real twist turning it into a 3 level game. During the story there were s a few things that I thought were not realistic, but once I saw that they had been in a game it made sense. There are a few structural things that could be fixed in rewrite, spelling and syntax type things, but they are not important, just housekeeping. The fact is that you are an excellent story teller and I can't wait to read the next two levels!
This is a strong story. The characters seem real. The length is good. The pacing is a bit fast and the paragraphs seem short, which makes the flow a bit choppy to me. If I offered one suggestion it would be to combine some of the paragraphs and then build bridges between the longer paragraphs with the shorter ones. That might even out the flow a bit more. But then again, I am rating this a 4 star story, so the critique is mild indeed.
Cute as all get out and obviously you are one proud Grandpa! Your love for your Grandchildren comes through clearly in every line. The photos are beautiful. You are indeed a wealthy man. I would like to suggest that on the writing style side that you might limit the number of "chopped" sentences to only a few. The style is conversational, but it doesn't flow as well in writing as it does in conversation. Don't know why, just doesn't. Good Story!
That was interesting, describing a watershed moment between childhood and maturity. Not many people will be able to read that and remain unaffected. I am rating it 3.5, above average, because the subject is real and gritty. I would rate it higher but I think you might have put in more detail about your inner turmoil and how it affected your formation of opinions of strangers and the world in general. You did describe that some, but I have a feeling that you may have more to say.
I am giving this 5 stars for being real. The writing technique I would give a 3 on its own. There are a couple of confusing passages that could use some rewriting for clarity, but don't change any of the message. The real grit behind the words carries this way past the artifice of writing technique. I have not doubt that your technique will improve, but I am hard pressed to see how your story telling will, it is that good.
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