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97 Public Reviews Given
97 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of UNDERCOVER  
Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
I read a lot, but not much poetry. Tried my hand at it once or twice, not much for result. That's my disclaimer.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. I like the way it is formatted, it flows well. It also tells a story. A story of love and loss. It is well told with excellent imagery, imagery that is vivid for me.

I am left with the impression that the love interest that was lost was foolish to let that loyal and thorough love slip from his life. I doubt he will ever find that quality of love again, but the narrator might.
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
THANKS!!!
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Review of Aging Skin  
Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very evocative!
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like!

I think there may be a couple of tense issues, a careful re-read should find them. One instance is

"This is where Todd comes in. As one of the senior members of the population, he took it upon himself to investigate the matter further..."

I am not expert in these matters but that one felt awkward to me. I woul have used "came" instead of "come" - take that for what its worth though. I think there are a couple of other similar places like it.

Good clean writing, very good.
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Review of Permeation  
Review by Butch50
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Most Excellent!
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
One word - Outstanding! That story really had me going, I was there and creeped out by the old lady!

My only comment is structural. It would help the eye if you broke up the print into smaller blocks.

You have true talent, write on!
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Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Very good - very smooth and subtle transition. I like the way it starts off with little information about what is going on, and gradually pulls you into the situation. Well done!
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Review of MAD COW DISEASE?  
Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
I absolutely loved it and I don't like poetry! Bravo!
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting - but who is the audience intended to be?
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Review of Androids  
Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Strangely compelling - I endoyed reading it.
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Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this story - well crafted and especially well told in first person narrative style, which is hard to pull off.
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (4.0)
I have to start off by telling you I don't read poetry, ever. I am reviewing this only because you asked me to. So that you know, I know nothing about poetry and therefore my evaluation is not to be taken as expert.

Having said that, I like it. I like that you didn't follow the normal layout, or generally accepted style. I like the images, and I like the kind of rushed feeling at the beginning and the slow feeling at the end.

I like it.
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Review of Speak  
Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good questions. You are one of the few who has the temerity to look at life, and questions just exactly what is, and why we are.

Culture is the human environment we are born into. Culture is a set of rules, ways of thinking, ways of seeing, ways of computing, that compiled itself over time by accident and misinterpretation of events. There are many cultures to compare and to evaluate the history of, so this is not just me saying it.

Yet so few are aware of the very existence of culture, or of their being totally immersed in it, and how it shapes them and everhtying they think they know. I am delighted to come across this essay of yours, truly delighted.

I have an essay in my portfolio that I think may interest you. I invite you to check it out and let me know what you think. It is called "Life Examined", and paralells many of your thoughts as expressed here.

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1706...
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have observed, and described, quite well. The use of females as objects to sell products is ubiquitous.

I would ask you to consider this though: Advertising is used to make profits. Profits are made by purchasers buying the advertised products. If purchasers are not swayed by the advertising, the advertising fails. All this means is that advertising that is repeated, is repeated only because it works. If it didn't work, the advertisers would change to that which does work. So, who is really at fault for the objectification of women? Advertisers or consumers?

I would suggest that if anything else worked better, the adverstisers would use it instead. If volcanic rocks somehow sold cars, advertisers would use volcanic rocks.

The fault, I think, is in our culture - not in the advertisements. They are only a mirror of our culture. Our culture trains our women to be extreme narcissists, and I do mean EXTREME narcissists. I think perhaps that may be the root of the problem.

What do you think?
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Review by Butch50
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Unratable.)
You have a good story going, I like it.

I would suggest that you carve out a good deal of the physical descriptions though. A few well placed words can paint a picture in the reader's mind as well as long descriptions, and the story flows better for the reader.

For instance, you might start the story something like this:

Diamond stretched out, then unloaded his two restless horses from the stock car behind the engine. Grant City, was a typical western townm, yet showing signs of growth and solidity. Diamond rode down the dusty street to the city jail, walked in and asked "Are you Sheriff James?"

And so on. Reader's will have seen a thousand western movies, read western novels, and will already have a mental image of a western town complete with dusty dirt streets, wooden sidewalks, saloons with batwing doors, banks with gold lettering in the window, barber shop with a striped pole, saloon girls on the balcony, etc. By giving only a few clues you can evoke all of that, and the readers will be a lot happier and comfortable with their own images.

As you can see, with only a few word it builds a picture in the readers mind that Diamond had just gotten off a train after a long trip. The brief town description is all the cue a reader needs - unless there is a specific reason to describe some specific aspect of the town, something that the reader absolutely has to know in order for the story to come across.

Just a hint that when it comes to description, less is more, as they say.

Also, adverbs tend to get in the way of a good flow. For instance: Where you write -

Diamond started to stand up, but intense pain in his left leg made him check himself for damage. He found that he was bleeding steadily from an apparent bullet hole in his calf. "I do believe I have been shot," he informed James and Thompson.

I would suggest something like:

Diamond stood up, feeling pain is his left leg. He looked and saw blood on his calf. "Looks like I've been shot" he said to James and Thompson.

When it comes to adverbs, If you pretty much remove all of the words ending in "ly" you will improve your story without sacrificing anything.

I like your story, I like your characters, and I think you are on to a good thing here. I hope you take this for what it is worth, just my opinion and suggestions. You might check out one of my stories to see if I have given you advice that I myself have followed, and if not you can ping me back *Smile*
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Review of live Intensly  
Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent advice. That kind of life usually happens only after a near death experience. To live like that, every day, every minute, takes a continuous awareness. It is a great way to live.

I invite you to read "My life, Examined". It is on the plug page now also. I would enjoy your feedback.

I hope your words reach many ears, and that they start many people living better.
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Review of Growing Up  
Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



That was fun!

I enjoyed the tounge in cheek humor of the story.

The pace was brisk.

The dialouge was great.

Excellent Story!
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Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very Well Done!

Your use of language filled in just enough of the scenery and characters, leaving the rest for my imagination to detail out. That is crisp writing at its best.

I wish I could find some constructive criticism to offer, but honestly I wouldn't change a thing.

Five stars - are not really enough.
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Review of Winter Rain  
Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello - I like the poignancy you evoke.

There are however some distractions that drop the enjoyment level. There are grammatical errors, and a couple of spelling errors. Sants has rein deer, not rain deer - for instance.

There is a factual error that really distracted me. The encroaching darkness on the moons visible surface is not the earth's shadow. A common misconception perhaps, but when included in the scientific factual data as it was, it glares.

If you were to remove the grammatical and spelling errors and clean up the factual part, it would be a much better piece.

The overall idea for the piece is good, and the flow is pretty good too.
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Review of Ancient Pathways  
Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (4.0)
Enjoyable!
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Review by Butch50
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Very good.
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Review by Butch50
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great insights, thanks!
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Review of BOSPHORUS- 9  
Review by Butch50
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Excellent
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Review of Into The Darkness  
Review by Butch50
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting story with good dynamics.

Suggestions:

Break up the paragraphing with white space, it gives the eyes a break and makes it easier to read.

Start the story with Michael instead of He.

Cut back on unecessary adjectives "pitch dark" is OK when it is in a comparative situation as in "he walked from the dimly lit house into the pitch darkness of the night" kind of thing, but in the way it was used here it gets in the way, cluttering up the flow of the sentence without adding narrative value.

Another example of removeable adjectives: "Searing pain was coursing its way through his body. He rolled onto his side moaning in utter agony." Try this to see what you think by comparison: "Pain coursed through his body. Michael rolled onto his side in agony." Simpler, cleaner and keeps the pace up.

Use "Michael" instead of "He" at least 50% more often.

Overall it is a good introduction, and I enjoyed reading it. You have real talent and I don't mean to sound negatively critical. Hope this is helpful.
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Review of Mirrors Lie  
Review by Butch50
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good story. It caught my interest and kept it.

A few minor suggestions:

There is a tendency to use passive voice in places.

Some of the sentences seem a bit twisted and long. For instance, I'll use the first sentence: "Demus was wary while approaching the town that, according to the map, was Skelton’s Pocket. "

One way this could also be written is " Approaching Skeltons Pocket made Demus wary." That shorter version leads off with action and creates curiosity. I would automatically read on to find out what a Skeltons Pocket was, who Demus was, and why he was wary.

I would have also preferred to have Cade brought into the picture in the first paragraph with just enough information about him to let me know what Demus was doing and more or less why. I had to wonder for about half the story what was going on, and I like to have some clues early so that I can follow the story as opposed to having a lot of "aha" moments as things become clear along the way.

It is a good story, it did hold my attention, and I did want to know more about Demus.

If you would, I have a story that I would appreciate a review of, especially the mechanincs of the story itself. It is Fishing Without Chena.
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