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12 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of More than Abba  
Review by CMcMo
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

I think your piece shows promise but still needs a bit of work. Some items to consider:

*Is the journey more important or the location more important? I think you spend too much time describing the journey to Aber. I understand it's relevant to tell your readers how to get there, but it's not really necessary to go into great detail. We're more concerned about why I should be in Aber.

*When I read "a place where dreams come true" I immediately think Disney World.

* I don't think you deliver on your promise that Aber is a "place where anything can happen." It sounds like a regular place. I don't get a sense of Aber's uniqueness until the concluding paragraph were you discuss some local legends.

I'm not well-versed in travel writing, but I seem to think that when someone writes about a place in a magazine they usually focus in on a particular season. I could be wrong! I just think your piece could benefit from the focus of writing about Aber during one time of year instead of all seasons.

I will send you my line-by-line review.

Well done.

CMcMo
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Review of Azhan Lake  
Review by CMcMo
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"She had no choice but to comply for, it wasn't just for curiosity but also to save her job and position in the Council." Change "She had to choice but to comply. It wasn't just because of curiosity, but also to..."

Change: "Why did all of the young people who had lost their lives showed they had died of old age, even though they all had been in their twenties?" She wondered.

Change: "She froze, changing her mind about her imagination.

"Who are you?” she said." Because you've used "imagine" three times within four sentences.

Change "However, a voice responded at once, a weak, unstable voice." I cut the dying part because he's already said it and the 'weak, unstable voice,' implies he's on the edge.

"...but it's my duty and yours as human protectors " I'm confused. What is she then? Give me some clues earlier on. And why is she sleeping with someone not like her?

Add: "“Come and get me. I'm lost somewhere..."

“I was asked by the Council to research the lake and find out why anyone who drinks, or swims in it dies.” This is your first mention of it. Add in the beginning when you're describing Azhan lake.

"...stride, passed her and was soon kneeling beside an unconscious Max..." Besides going on to say he's wet, what else does he look like? In my head he looks normal but wet, so I'm not sure why Laura's trying to save him.

"“Azhan Lake was created by the earth protectors to make human protectors like us suffer the loss of their charges by seeing them age to death, the only thing that human protectors can't save or interfere with is aging.” I'm still at a loss with this earth protector/human protector thing.

"Weird... no thank you! Drew thought." Why is Laura weird for trying to experiment related to her job? Drew is too flat a character. Seems like a throw-in to fill space.

"Laura put the rock on her husband's face and started passing it through all the places with wrinkles, until he was healed, then she did the same thing with Max." Give me a visual of what the rock is doing to Steve's face.

Change: "...that he wouldn't remember any of it. After all, they wouldn't want to jeopardize their secret identities nor the whole protectors’ organization."
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