I’m going to give this a very thorough review, if you don’t mind, because I really like it and think you’ve done a lot to improve it. Your descriptions and characterization are really very good, and it was easy to become interested in your story, as before. It’s almost entirely clean of technical errors. There are just a few things I thought I’d point out to you that might need tweaking:
[Below her, down a long tumbling slope covered with dead grass and dotted with gnarled, lifeless trees, stood the gates of Freeport.] – This is kind of wordy, especially as it’s in the first paragraph, which is vital for attracting the reader. Try something like “Dead grass and gnarled trees covered the long slope that tumbled in the gates of Freeport.” Or “Below her was a long, tumbling slope, covered with dead grass and dotted with gnarled, lifeless trees. Just beyond it stood the gates of Freeport, her home for the last ten years.” Or whatever sounds best to you.
[She could not shake the image of her Father being cut down as he tried desperately to protect her Mother] - Father and mother don’t need to be capitalized here, unless you remove “her.”
[Fury’s were more prized] - Should be “Furies.”
[Yes, she had prospered.] - This is confusing. What did she prosper at? How much time has passed since the previous section?
[a vicious, foul smelling race] – Should be “foul-smelling.”
[Removing her travel stained clothes] – Should be “travel-stained.”
[Removing her travel stained clothes, Kailyn turned her thoughts to the events of the past several weeks. She had joined an adventurer’s guild. Her first, actually. She had never thought she needed to be part of one. But it wasn’t just that she had joined a guild, she had joined one that included people from Qeynos! It seemed strange being in a guild with those goody-two shoes, stuffed shirts from across the sea. She wondered if she had made the right decision.] - I’m guilty of doing this too, and it was recently pointed out to me as the “Dude, you should have been here earlier when some crazy stuff went down!” blunder. But jumping ahead and telling the reader about plot points that happened in the recent past, but that you are shutting them out of, is cruel! I would have really enjoyed being a witness to this, to see exactly what an adventurer’s guild is, and what goes on there. Show us with dialogue and character interactions the personality of the Qeynos people; it will be much more entertaining to your readers than simply being told. Readers want to judge characters for themselves; simply telling them how they should feel about something can be somewhat disappointing. Like I said, I’ve recently been called out on doing this too, so I’m trying to training myself to recognize it. As a reader, I can see now how much it jolts you from the flow of the story, being told about events rather than being shown. Consider making the second scene about the adventurer’s guild, even if it’s after she joined – show me what it’s all about, show me how the Qeynos people are goody two shoes.
[After her parent’s death, she had made it a point to never have to depend on anyone else to survive and make a living… and she had done quite well at it.] – Again, telling rather than showing. You don’t have to extend this really, but just embellish it a little. Rather than simply telling us that she’s independent, tell us about some of the things she did to avoid depending on other people to survive. Something like, “After her parent’s death, she had avoided depending on anyone. She had once gone hungry for a full week rather than accept the charity of a concerned citizen.” Or whatever. You can come up with something more interesting than that. But readers will get deeper into your characters by watching their actions, even if they are past ones, than if they are simply being told flat out who the character is.
[survive the soot-choked air] – Why is the soot choking the air? Shouldn’t it be choking those breathing it? “It was almost impossible not to choke on the sooty air.” Or “It was almost impossible to survive the soot-filled air.”
Like I said, this revision did a lot for the story, particularly in the way of fleshing out the setting and character. However, there is a lot of introspection going on and very little action to make up for it. The flashback helps, but the reader still spends a lot of time in Kailyn’s head. Work on showing, cut down on telling, and I think you could really have something here. Keep up the great work! I’ll be very interested to read further.
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