Item: "The Apprentice and the Crystal Ball"  by Lon 
Type: Short Story
Rating:  
(This can easily go higher once the punctuation, spelling and other mistakes are corrected.)
About my reviews
When I review short stories I check for the following:
 Story: How are the characters described and is it easy to get a feeling for them? How does the story flow? Is there a natural progression despite possible plot twists? These are obviously my personal opinions and it's possible my views on this disagree with the writer's.
Form: Things such as overall structure, word use, descriptiveness, sentence structure, etc...
Punctuation: Missing punctuation or over-use of punctuation is discussed.
Possible typos: Errors I suspect are simple typos.
Additional suggestions: Any other suggestions I can think of that might improve the story.
 Story
Overall a very intriguing story. The characters are well described and it's easy to get a feeling for them. The only character that might need a tad more fleshing out is the mysterious saviour in the end.
One thing that bothered me a bit about the plot is the moment when Mouse decides to help Alia after all. The story tells us that loneliness had been eating at her and that her master had gone to town. There's also mention of two new bruises on her face. While these are clear hints, I felt a bit more was required to make it clear to me why she suddenly decided to help Alia.
The next section confused me a bit:
Angrily the wizard lashed out, trying to steal energy from the woman as she absorbed the magic around her. The energy rippled like a line wave from Alia to the wizard, but only for a moment. Then suddenly it shattered. "Tisk, tisk." Alia said, her eyes flashing. "You really must learn to control the magic of ancients before you try to tap into it."
As far as I can tell the wizard had been tapping into her magic for a long time while she was imprisoned in the crystal ball. So why does this suddenly pose a problem now that she's free? Might need to give a little bit more explanation about this, as it's a bit confusing.
The ending was a little bit of a disappointment. The wizard dies and the next thing you know (three sentences later) the end of the story is reached. I would suggest stretching that bit out a bit more. Maybe add a bit more conversation or write a bit more about how Mouse reacts to seeing her former master die. Even merely writing the existing conversation lines out a bit more with descriptions would work, I think.
 Form
His anger was evident without having to look at him, "off daydreaming again?"
Subject in this sentence is His anger. When you say without having to look at him it implies that his anger was doing the looking.
His anger was evident, she didn't need to look at him to know this, "off daydreaming again?"
"You know, no other wizard would take you; why I took you I’ll never remember!"
Two things: Replace the semicolon by a full stop and avoid repeating the verb to take.
"You know, no other wizard would take you. Why I did I’ll never remember!"
"Mmm, well seeing as how I now have to wait for you to finish with my workroom, I won’t have any time free for your lessons later today! We’ll see if you remember the spell tomorrow."
Replace free with available.
"Mmm, well seeing as how I now have to wait for you to finish with my workroom, I won’t have any time available for your lessons later today! We’ll see if you remember the spell tomorrow."
"Don’t forget the study girl," he warned her before closing the door soundly behind her.
Change the to to and replace the comma with a full stop.
"Don’t forget to study girl." he warned her before closing the door soundly behind her.
Stepping closer to the desk she could now see the figure of a woman in the crystal ball, her blonde hair intricately braided and beaded. Her gown ornately decorated. "Are you real?" The girl whispered, afraid that speaking might break the enchantment.
Stepping closer to the desk she could now see the figure of a woman in the crystal ball, her blonde hair intricately braided and beaded. Her gown was ornately decorated. "Are you real?" The girl whispered, afraid that speaking might break the enchantment.
The girl looked towards the door shortly.
Might need to change this a little. Maybe use briefly instead and elsewhere in the sentence.
Knowing her own state of entrapment, she knew she’d need help in leaving it. "What if I were to help you? Then maybe you could do something for me in return." Alia said softly.
The previous paragraph has Mouse as subject. So using she in this sentence without mentioning Alia immediately gives the reader the wrong impression about who's actually talking. I suggest switching them around. This is probably an error that snuck in while editing your work and moving sentences around. It happens to me all the time. :)
Knowing her own state of entrapment, Alia knew she’d need help in leaving it. "What if I were to help you? Then maybe you could do something for me in return." she said softly.
It was four days before Mouse returned to her master’s study.
It was four days later before Mouse returned to her master’s study.
She sported a bruise on her left cheekbone that looked new, and she looked thinner than just the few days before.
She sported a bruise on her left cheekbone that looked new, and she looked thinner than just a few days before.
"I know you don’t. I’ll tell you it. All you have to do is repeat it while touching the crystal ball."
This sentence doesn't sound right. I suggest changing it.
She knew she didn’t have much time; her master had gone to town to procure a new tome for his magic spells. He never entrusted her with this one thing.
I would drop the words one thing. If you want you can replace them with task, but it's not necessary.
 Punctuation
Cleaning in the kitchen she could hear him call again. "You worthless girl, why haven’t you restocked my workroom? Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday! And my study, doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you girl!"?
Cleaning in the kitchen she could hear him call again. "You worthless girl, why haven’t you restocked my workroom? Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday! And my study, doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you girl!?"
"No Master, I was cleaning the kitchen," she answered softly.
The sentence that is spoken ends, so should end with a full stop, not a comma.
"No Master, I was cleaning the kitchen." she answered softly.
"Potential," he left out an exasperated breath, "Cantrips, but where’s everything else go in that head of yours, eh? Did you memorize your latest spell yet - correctly?"
Not sure what the idea was here, could be that the comma after Potential needs to be replaced by a question mark or an ellipsis. Either that or you need to change the capital C in Cantrips.
"Potential?" he left out an exasperated breath, "Cantrips, but where’s everything else go in that head of yours, eh? Did you memorize your latest spell yet - correctly?"
or:
"Potential..." he left out an exasperated breath, "Cantrips, but where’s everything else go in that head of yours, eh? Did you memorize your latest spell yet - correctly?"
His eyes scanned the room meticulously taking in all his spell books, the components on shelves, the clean counter, the clean worktable, the cauldron, and the wood bin.
Remove the comma before and.
His eyes scanned the room meticulously taking in all his spell books, the components on shelves, the clean counter, the clean worktable, the cauldron and the wood bin.
"Very good!" The woman exclaimed. "Spells are just larger they take more practice, but you have the potential. Don’t worry, you’ll do fine."
Add punctuation.
"Very good!" The woman exclaimed. "Spells are just larger. They take more practice, but you have the potential. Don’t worry, you’ll do fine."
"Well then, how about if I give you a name." Alia asked softly, causing the girl to look up.
Replace full stop with question mark.
"Well then, how about if I give you a name?" Alia asked softly, causing the girl to look up.
"What do you mean postpones?" Alia asked bewildered. "You don’t study every day? You must have a spell book."
The last sentence sounds more like a question. I would replace the full stop with a question mark.
"What do you mean postpones?" Alia asked bewildered. "You don’t study every day? You must have a spell book?"
At Mouse’s nod, she had her read what was on the scrap of paper. "Oh posh - that’s all wrong. No wonder you can’t get it right. No, now never you mind," Alia soothed as Mouse prepared to cry yet again. "Repeat after me. Ashes and dusts all wiped away, clean as a slate, be waiting for me."
The spoken sentence clearly ends, as the next one starts with a capital letter. So I suggest changing the comma to a full stop.
At Mouse’s nod, she had her read what was on the scrap of paper. "Oh posh - that’s all wrong. No wonder you can’t get it right. No, now never you mind." Alia soothed as Mouse prepared to cry yet again. "Repeat after me. Ashes and dusts all wiped away, clean as a slate, be waiting for me."
"I need to finish cleaning." She said sadly to Alia.
"I need to finish cleaning." she said sadly to Alia.
As she reached the kitchen she heard the wizard calling, "now where have you gotten to girl! I’m hungry, I want my dinner! Did you finish with my study? And the workroom now needs your attention."
As she reached the kitchen she heard the wizard calling, "Now where have you gotten to girl! I’m hungry, I want my dinner! Did you finish with my study? And the workroom now needs your attention."
. Filling a bowl with stew, she carried it up the stairs until she reached his study.
A dot seems to have crept in here in front of this sentence.
Have you cleaned up the workroom girl, so I may try again? He asked before eating.
Several things: enclose the spoken sentence with double quotes and remove the capital H in He asked.
"Clean up this study, it’s a mess," he said as he walked past her and went down towards the workroom.
Again: end of spoken sentence. Use a full stop.
"Clean up this study, it’s a mess." he said as he walked past her and went down towards the workroom.
Whirling around her heart pounding, she realized it was only Alia.
Whirling around, her heart pounding, she realized it was only Alia.
"Trying to steal my power girl!" he screamed as books flew off the shelves.
Under the assumption that he is not referring to a power girl, but that he's talking to the girl about power; I suggest this change :p
"Trying to steal my power, girl!" he screamed as books flew off the shelves.
"I want her back wizard." The sound of his voice echoed around the room.
Same thing as before:
"I want her back, wizard." The sound of his voice echoed around the room.
"You’re killing her, and I won’t allow that."
I suggest either making into two seperate sentences if you wish to add a pause between both statements, or remove the comma.
"Now, now my love."
Same thing as before.
"Now, now, my love."
 Suspected typos
What he had done in the sort time she had been gone she didn’t know, but the room had things overturned, with papers and books everywhere.
What he had done in the short time she had been gone she didn’t know, but the room had things overturned, with papers and books everywhere.
"Wizard’s don’t take apprentices for nothing. Though I must admit why your wizard took you if he so dislikes you is quiet beyond me."
"Wizard’s don’t take apprentices for nothing. Though I must admit why your wizard took you if he so dislikes you is quite beyond me."
"Yes. Those that can gather and store magic for themselves, and those that can only gather but wish they could store it as well. Everything has magic in it Mouse, mages just know how to use it."
Suggested change:
"Yes. Those that can gather and store magic for themselves, and those that can only gather but wish they could store it as well. Everything has magic in it, Mouse. Mages just know how to use it."
 Additional suggestions
 Use italic ({i} and {/i}) for thoughts, emphasized words or words that are spoken louder in conversations. See WritingML for examples.
Christophe Desmecht  |
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