*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carpaltunnel
Review Requests: OFF
9 Public Reviews Given
10 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Edwina
Rated: E | (5.0)
I almost stopped reading--didn't want another spooky ghost story. I'm so glad I kept on. I know something about CPS from the social workers' point of view, and I've known a few foster parents--nice people, in their case. But to give me the POV of the child, and a young one, shows a real sensitivity. I was struck by the complete lack of a male parent figure, because Summer doesn't even expect, or miss one. That is just more tragedy for the children. The name Grace for the stranded spirit was apt, for Summer's needs. Thank you for this story. I look forward to reading more.
Quibbling: a few typos or punctuation things. Chapter 5 could use some work; it seems a little too hurried for that much important information. S'okay, that will come. Best wishes, Alice Guest
2
2
Review by Edwina
Rated: E | (5.0)
WHAT FUN! I think I know this guy, suffering from a diarrhea of conceit and a constipation of intellect. One only hopes the Sergeant Major doesn't get his commission from his ROTC (pronounced rot-c) training that would put him in command of some tough Regular Army types. And I know his type, too; there's a bishop, a publisher, and a couple of deans. Thanks, embe. Alice Guest.
3
3
Review by Edwina
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I can't give this a 5, because I'm so put off I can't be fair. Painful memories. My second son turned into a sullen wreck with a fried brain and liver (hepatitis from dirty needles). I was no help. Anyway, your depiction of the drug scene is as real as anything I saw of it. I don't know Glasgow, and you don't show me the side I want to know. GOOD, TOUGH, HEARTBREAKING WRITING. I'll keep reading. Quibbles? It's too early for the kind of reading I am qualified to give you: grammar, punctuation, spelling. At some point, you might go back and clean that up, but not now. Don't stop the flow you've got going. With respect, Alice.
4
4
Review of Spy in the Sky  
Review by Edwina
Rated: E | (5.0)
You invoke bitter memories; this hit me personally. Memories of my grandmother, the one who lived with us. And the knowledge that I don't have so many years left, that the pains in my joints are getting worse despite exercises, prescriptions and herbs. The pill bottle caps under the bed: such an image. You name her just once, and that is Mrs. Bigelow. That's the way it is with some of our g'parents, when we are adolescents, isn't it? No first name, no nickname-baby name for Grandmother. Sad, except for Richie, who made some kind of contact.
Okay, quibbling: Piano should not be capitalized, nor crucifix. Put a semicolon after "the old school", or perhaps a period. (Yea, it's the "very old school", when the old school belongs to our parents. Another good bit.) There's some awkwardness as you shift points of view in the middle of the piece, but it's gone in the last few paras.
It's heel, not heal, and goodbye, not good by.
Oh, man, you're good!
5
5
Review by Edwina
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good start. You packed a lot of information into your first chapter. Yes, I can offer criticism, but it is the copy editor kind, not aimed at your creative talent. I'll move from beginning to end of the chapter.
MAX BERGER 3 sentences and you have established that Max is in a place that no one wants to be in, and that he has really bad nightmares. LIMB BY LIMB Good imagery, again.A MOMENT LATER Would it sound stronger, more startling if you just said, "Then, she screamed." This is a quibble: Drop the conditional verb and just use the past tense in these 2 paras (paragraphs).
THE SAND ATTACKING: The kind of nightmare we recognize.Good. MINK AMONG HYENAS Oh, yeah! And SAPPHIRES ON SNOW Does a 13 yr old amnesiac know what sapphires are, or is this a clue to his lost past?
Go read Roger Zelazny. Not for creativity, just for technical help. He is the master. And that is high praise for you, to put you into his school. Tomorrow, Chapter two.
5 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carpaltunnel