Hi again, J.A. Powell!
Here’s my review on your story:
A. TECHNICAL TYPOS, ILLOGICAL SENTENCES, AND WORDING
There are some mistakes I found, but they’re quite minor and easy to fix. Here they are:
Paragraph 16
““Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor?” Asked the Sentry.”
I think it should be:
““Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor? ” asked the Sentry.”
Paragraph 23
“Surely, thought the Sentry, Commander was aware that Sentries were not just third dimensional beings.”
I think it would be better if you italicised or single-quoted the thoughts.
Paragraph 24
“In third dimension the Sentry's abilities were limited, and communication was more difficult.”
I think a comma should be added:
“In third dimension, the Sentry's abilities were limited, and communication was more difficult.”
Paragraph 30
“The Sentry snapped to, his loyalty emotion long ago programmed to override his thoughts.”
I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be “snapped too” or what, but this sentence sounds awkward to me… -_-; Oh well, maybe it’s only me… :P
B. CHARACTERS
Man! You got me on this one! I never thought that the characters are not like what I thought they are! Genius!
The Sentry
Our ‘hero’! I first thought that he was some kind of an alien. Then, I thought that he was a robot. Then again, as the story develops, I noticed that The Sentry was dog-like, so maybe he was a dog-robot like the infamous dog-android-alien Pemalite or something from the serial Animorphs™! But then again, I figured out that he is your everyday dog… Thus, we saw some very familiar characters: care, loving, loyalty… I like The Sentry as I’m somewhat a dog lover (yes, despite my handle)! n_n Gee, why don’t I think that The Sentry was a dog, before? You’re marvellous!
The 'Commander'
Commanding, wise, and honourable. These re the characteristics I got when I first read about him. Then again, he’s also your average… human. :P Not that I’m disappointed or anything, though. In fact, I smiled when I figured out that The Sentry and commander were actually a man with his dog. The man sounds like in the middle of his 20s or 30s, and was dating with his girlfriend when the whole scenario took place… How unthinkable! This is so cool!
C. PLOT
The plot is so well-thought and well-written! It takes quite a genius to convert a seemingly boring everyday life event into an ‘action’-filled, scientific story! The way you disguised the house as a starship and Earth as the mothership is totally creative! Not to mention that you make The Sentry a.k.a. the dog ‘talked’ with his senses in a very robotic way! It’s quite an anti-climax story, but definitely a good and entertaining one! I’ll surely remember this story’s plot for a long time! Great! n_~*
D. SCENE
The scenes are well-described and creatively modified! I actually pictured The Sentry’s setting/domicile as a very Star Trek- ish starship while he worked with several cables and talking, robotic screens with various lights! Heck, I surely am surprised at the end! The doglike robot in my mind’s eye turned into a real, brown (I pictured the dog as a brown small dog :P) dog! That, of course, because of the clear descriptions! Well done!
E. LOGIC IN STORY
There are 2 things that confused me:
You wrote, in paragraph 24, about the fifth dimension. What exactly *is* the fifth dimension? I never heard of it!
You also wrote, in paragraph 25, that The Sentry (a.k.a. dog) developed in the “Alfa Canis Mayor” star system. But dogs don’t come from there, right? Thus, it will interfere with the facts… If I’m mistaken, please enlighten me! :P
E. WRITING STYLE
You have a nice writing style, in here! You seem to be very flexible and knowledgeable in your writing! I noticed that your writing style in “Hogs ‘n Hens” and in this story are totally different! O_o; This is such a hard thing to do, but yet you did it! I won’t be surprised if you’re a published author already! Awesome!
F. FORMAT/APPEARANCE
Like always, your story’s layout is good. The paragraphs are not too bulky (only some) and well divided. I still thinks about indents using, though… Anyway, why don’t you bold or underline the title, author’s name, and the closing? I think they would stand out more if you do! Please consider this! :)
G. BEST PART
My favourite part is when I found out that The Sentry is actually a dog! I smiled and said, in my thought, something like: “What the-?” or “Whoa. It turns out to be…” Anyway, I also like the part where the dog’s master said that he went out with Ellen! So *that’s* what the dog translated as “alien”! Very funny! ^0^
H. OVERALL
In overall, this is a nice, creative story! The typos are minor, the characters are unexpected, and the plot line and writing style is superb and highly creative! Therefore, I think this story deserves a 4,5-star rating! Well done! Congrats and keep writing! n_~*
~Cat-Claws.
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