Again, you have another beautiful story here. It is very short but packs a lot of information and emotion inside of it.
Errors & Solutions: There were not typographical errors that I detected. You have got to be the best speller on the site. Me?....I need to spellcheck more often.
I did notice one sentence that I would change a bit.
You wrote: I’ve got to have money, got to pay the rent at this place…
Suggestion: Change the comma after money, into a semicolon;
What I liked: The wonderful ending. Also her thoughts to herself provided deep insight into what type of person she was.
My favorite part: The ironing incident. That gave me a chuckle. Can't tell you how many dresses and shirts I've ruined.
My Overall Impression: A very nice read. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Write on!
I hope you are having a great time at the convention. While you are away I will be raiding your port. I just read THE RING. I have to let you know that I like it very much. This is a touching, heartwarming tale of love and lost and found again.
Errors & Solution: I did not detect any spelling errors. SUPER!
What I liked: I can't tell you enough how much I liked this story. It was short and very, very sweet. I liked the suprise ending. I have to say I anticipated it. However it was still wonderful to read.
What I disliked: There was noting really to dislike about this piece. It was all quite good.
My favorite part: They stayed together for forty years. Their love never dimished. I liked how boy entries contained: Oh, God. Oh, God, and...There was simply nothing to say. I think this tied them in together nicely.
My Overall Impression: This is a very good story. It is just too short. Still, it is packed with emotion. Some people don't think anything is perfect, so they refrain from giving a 5. But I simply had to do it on this piece. Well done. Write on!
I knew it! I knew it. I knew it I knew that Tad would pretend that he had sneezed. I could picture him, covering his nose and saying excuse me. I thought his mother would say, "Bless you" and perhaps put her hand on his forehead to take his temperature. You had her scold him about catching a cold...Nice.
Errors & Solutions: There were just a few typos. Not to worry. I am certainly guilty of making them myself. So don't fret over it.
You wrote: "Come on ,Fred," I whispered. Suggestion: Delete the space after on, make a space after the comma.
You wrote: Why would 'I' need to know. Suggestion: Change the period into a question mark.
You wrote: How could I do anything else. Suggestion: Change the period into a question mark.
You wrote: A wierd sensation nudged Suggestion: Change wierd to weird.
What I liked: Once again the ending was very good. I love a happy ending.
What I disliked: This chapter seemed a bit rushed. I would have liked more discussion. I think his other self should have questioned a phone call out of the blue instructing him to do anything. In your story this was dismissed as an everyday occurrence.
I think he should have deleted the entire program from his computer in the end. Maybe he should have sent an email warning all his friends not to download it. Just a thought.
My Favorite Part: The fact that the computer novice solved the computer problem instead of the geniuses.
My Overall Impression: The story itself is Very Good. I think some of the characters were underdeveloped. Also their reactions were a bit unnatural. To be in such a tense situation, at times I felt that they were just a little nonchalant about it. Overall I enjoyed reading your story. I think with a few adjustments it will be even better. I am looking forward to reading more of your work. Write on!
This is another good chapter. I enjoyed reading it. Once again you left us with a cliff hanger. Terrific! Now your story is beginning to unfold and explain itself. We are starting to see some pieces to the puzzle and get some answers which only lead to more questions. Nice.
Errors & Solution: I did not detect any typos. YEAH!
What I liked: You strength is definitely that you can spin a yarn. What I mean is that you are a storyteller. You can capture people's attention and leave them hanging. The end of your chapters are usually the most exciting. Everything else was just a prelude leading to the good stuff.
What I disliked: In the first chapter you made me believe that this was a little boy we were dealing with, but he sounds much older in this chapter. Also the first meeting between the teens left something to be desired. Sorry, I don't know what. It just seemed like their reactions to each other was unnatural.
My favorite part: The surpressed sneeze...Of course! that part was great!
It had me holding my breath.
My Overall Impression: You are a very good writer and this is turning into an action packed story and a very nice read. Very good. Keep writing!
Now on to chapter 3.
While you are having fun at the convention, I will be raiding your port. I just read The Visit- Chap. 1. I had to let you know that I like this story very much. It is creative and nicely written. I being a fan of technology was captivated by it right away. Stories such as these are a natural by product of the age of technology. It's nice when they can be kept interesting. Yours definitely did that.
Errors & Solutions: I did notice just a few typos. Nothing major but you might want to correct them.
You wrote: It's that new 'Beyond Virtual' that was advertized this morning in my email Suggestion: Change advertized to advertised.
You wrote: Wish I hadn't have been so curious." Suggestion: Add the word 'I' to the beginning of your sentence. Make the word wish lowercase. Suggestion: Delete the word have. All you need is:
I wish I hadn't been so curious.
You wrote: "Now, how are we going to get back to that computer. Suggestion: Change the period to a quesiton mark '?'.
You wrote: Fred ran his fingers through his tossled hair Suggestion: Change tossled to tussled.
What I liked: I like the general story line that you are developing. I like the easy friendship that the main characters enjoy. The dialogue between them is very good.
What I disliked: I thinkt he reaction of the mother needs a little attention. She backed out of the door when, I would have rushed to my child to make sure then hadn't laid a finger on him. Then tried to get to a phone to call for help. Or maybe I would have just started screaming and charged them.
Mothers can be ferocious when it comes to protecting their offspring.
A confusing part: When he climbed into the window after another boy. Didn't the other guy have to raise the window to climb in? Yet the window was then only half opened. I had to re-read the whole part where he was captured to get a good idea of what you were talking about. I don't think it was expressed too clearly. Or maybe I'm just need capture scenes for dummies.
My favorite part: The ENDING!
You really grabbed the reader at the end and left them begging for more. That is the earmark of a great story teller. I liked that very much. Awesome!
My Overall Impresstion: I think this is a very good beginning to a Great story. I am looking forward to see where you are headed.
Now on to chapter 2.
I like this chapter better than the last one. I enjoyed the interplay between the characters. You really made them come to life. Nice job.
Errors & Solutions: There were just a few errors. Make sure to do a spell check when you get the chance.
You wrote: setting sun alway's pulsed Suggestion: Change alway's to always
You wrote: {indent: Suggestion: You forgot to close your WL indent command with a }
You wrote: I'm afraid we need your services Louis" Tom said trying to hide a smile. Louis raised one of his heavy brow's as he
Suggestion: Put a comma after services. Suggestion: Put a comma after said. Suggestion: Change brow's to brows.
You wrote: He glared back at Tom who now Suggestion: Comma after Tom,
You wrote: "Sure thing Tom." Elaine smiled. Suggestion: Comma after thing,
You wrote: "Elaine your the best, you know that?" Suggestion: Change your to you're
What I liked: I like how descriptive you were of Louis' quirks. The dialogue is good. There are a few places where you needed commas that I didn't list here so check your work.
My Overall Impression: A good story. It is getting really interesting. Looking forward to reading another chapter. Nicely done. Write on!
I liked this story. You describe your characters well and I like the dialogue between them. I also could appreciate your main character's frustration at a broke down vehicle. I can relate to that.
Errors & Solution: There were numerous typos.
You wrote: All there was that she had saw, was a faded small sign, barely readable, Solution: You cannot use the word 'saw' with the word 'had'. The correct phrasing is 'had seen', not had saw. However, this portion of your sentence is too wordy. Rephrase: All she saw was a faded small sign...(omit the words -there was that-and had)
You wrote: the back of her eyelid's stung, Suggestion: Change eyelid's to eyelids
You wrote: Through her sobs she waled out, Suggestion: Change waled to wailed
You wrote: They would have to be crazy!. Suggestion: Use either exclamation point or period not both.
You wrote: Somewhere in the deep recess's of her mind, s Suggestion: Change recess's to recesses
You wrote: He managed to get that out between several breath's. Suggestion: Delete the word 'that' Suggestion: Change breath's to breaths.
You wrote: "You wont kill me? leave me out here somewhere? alone, dead?
Suggestion: Change wont to won't Suggestion: You can also combine these sentences:
You won't kill me and leave me out here somewhere, dead?
Or: You won't kill me? Or leave me our here somewhere, alone...dead?
You wrote: I may look like an ugly old ogre, but I;m really Suggestion: Change I;m to I'm
You wrote: "Beside's I don't Suggestion: Change Beside's to Besides the ' is not needed.
What I liked: I liked how Karla talked to her self and vented her frustration on the car, and on Tom.
My Overall Impression: This is a good story and once some of the errors are fixed it will be even better. Nice job, Blue Thunder. Write on!
Greetings, Blue Thunder,
While you are at the convention, this pirate will be raiding your port! I just read: The Lonely spirit. It was a little sad what happened to Elizabeth. I thought this was an interesting story. A nice mix of fact and fiction. However it was filled with numerous typos. I recommend doing a spell check. You will be suprised how many minor errors you catch.
Errors & Solution: Here is the short list.
You wrote: buried his niece Elizabeth Williams Suggestion: Comma after niece.
You wrote:Carolines plane had departed at the exact time and off she went. Suggestion: Change Carolines to Caroline's Suggestion: Change at the exact time to right on time
You wrote: To an unknown destination, with a map her father had drawn out for her so that she would know exactly where to go once she got there, and frightened she was.
Suggestion: This does not represent a complete thought. It is at best a sentence fragment
Reword and rewrite it to form a complete thought.
You wrote:The plane landed with ease, and upon unboarding she could feel right away that the temperature had dropped severely and the wind gusts made it even colder, and her coat was packed away, so she ran to the baggage claim, got her rent a car, and got the heater warmed up fast.
Suggestion: This is a run-on sentence. It should be broken down into a couple of sentences. And/Or some of the ands should be omitted.
You wrote: knock on the front door just incase it was the wrong ranch Suggestion: Change incase to in case (and/or add a space between in and case)
You wrote: The ranch looked diserted, and she seen or heard no one. Suggestion: Change diserted to deserted.
At this point I just stopped picking out the spelling errors. Doing spell check will be more efficient than I can be.
What I liked: This is a cute story. I loved the ending.
What I disliked: The numerous errors and run on sentences. You also had a lot of sentence fragments. They made the story a little difficult to read.
My Overall impression: This story needs a bit of work...but the content is so strong, I bumped up the points to 3. I will be happy to come back and re-read once the corrections are made. lol. Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is cute. You were right. It does remind me of
those dinosaur movies. I noted a few typos.
Errors & Solution:
You wrote: but it is to late for me to be saved Suggestion: Change the word 'to' into the word "too"
You wrote: I look up as the rain soaks the ground, but it is to late for me to be saved, I am the last of all to fall. Suggestion: Change the comma that is after the word saved, into a semicolon;
My favorite part: The comments at the end where you say you go to join your herd. That was very well expressed.
My Overall Impression: This started off a little slow for me and I got confused as to who you were refering to. At first you used He and then We.
All in all I think it is a likeable piece. Write on!
Having fun at the convention? Hope so! This poem was a good read. However, I think I like your prose more than your poetry. Still your poetry has that special something that draws me back again and again. That's a good thing, right? This poem is no exception. I had to read it twice. I like it a lot. It seems to be filled with meaning.
*concern* Errors & Solution: I didn't see any typos to speak of. Nice job there.
What I liked: I like the part about making the road his brother and trading his love for talk and smiles. Also personifying the trucks was a nice touch.
What I disliked:The last two words. I guess I didn't fully understand them. They threw me off a little.
Overall impression: I like this poem. It flows well and is rich in meaning. Keep writing!
I hope you are enjoying the Convention. I am enjoying raiding your port. Once again we have a winner with this story. It is very poignant and insightful. A very informative and enjoyable read.
*concern*Errors & Solutions: NONE. I saw no typos that I could detect.
There was a point where I would have change a comma to the word 'and'.
You wrote: people more barbarous, more primitive, less developed than we. Suggestion: Change the comma after primitive to the word and.
What I liked: This story was very endearing like a father to a child.
What I disliked: NOTHING. This story rocked! The part about him missing holding his daughter was a little sad.
Overall impression: I liked this story a great deal and enjoyed reading. I think it was very touching. You are very descriptive and carrying the reader along with you. Well done. Write on!
This was a very warm and endearing piece. It was a joy to read. I found it thru the Conventon Pirates Raid, but I am happy that I did.
*underline* Errors & Solutions: None! I did not detect any spelling or grammer errors. Super!
What I liked:Everything. But specifically how he caught a chance glance at her as she applied makeup. And how he mastered his desire so as not to be wolfish. How he held her hand under the table. All of this was well written and well expressed. Good job.
*concern* What I disliked: Nothing. I wish we knew more about him. Or her feelings for him. We can only assume that she feels as he does. Still it didn't detract from the strength of this piece.
Overall Impression: All in all I would say that this is a GREAT story. Or...excuse me, romantic prose. Very descriptive. A good read. Nicely written. Well done. Enjoy the convention...Write on!
I like this poem also. This is insightful and very expressive. Once more you sends a positive message. I detected NO spelling errors in this piece. That's a plus!
My favorite part: warmth of His heart God created the sun and from the softness of His love
God created the moon That imagery was very vivid.
I liked how you began and ended with a question.
What I didn't like: in wisdom created man...neighbors. Nothing wrong with it just didn't appeal to me.
Overall impression: I DID liked this poem. I think it is very expressive and vivid. You paint wonderful word pictures. It is also positive. So good job! Keep writing!
I just had to let you know that I really like this poem. This is beautiful and well written. I think it sends a powerful, and positive message. That's always good. I detected just a few spelling errors. No big deal. Sometimes our fingers fly just a little faster that our minds can keep up with. I make them all the time.
So here goes:
At first I thought that rocky rills was a typo, but then looked it up in the dictionary and saw that a rill is a stream or brook. So I learned something from reading your poem.
You wrote: To let our light snine bfore men Suggestion: Change snine to shine Change bfore to before
My favorite part: How God labels the world for all to see 'this little child is mine'. That was so touching and heartwarming. I really liked that particular expression. In fact there is quite a lot I liked about this poem.
What I didn't like: I felt the poem was a little long and lost some of it's momentum toward the end. You mentioned giving the light from child to sister to brother in the eleventh stanza and then repeated that thought in the thirteenth stanza or the third stanza from the bottom. It was a little awkwardly expressed in that 13th stanza.
Overall impression: I really liked this poem.
It is a testimony of faith. I like things that are positive and upbeat.
We have enough to bring us down in this world. So bravo! Nice job! Keep up the good work. Write On!
I just read General Ruva and I enjoyed it very much. I think this story is very intriguing. I like how descriptive you are and how you described Zan, the main character and also German's smile. Great writing there. There were a few typos...We all have those. Here goes:
You wrote: She sipped the sweet, it always gave her a headache Suggestion: Consider changing the comma to a semicolon;
You wrote: Still, men where what got her into trouble. Every time. German was right. Suggestion: Change where to were
The word 'Everytime' by itself is not a sentence. Consider adding it to the previous sentence.
You wrote: water shooshing out the faucet Suggestion: Change shooshing to swooshing
(I looked up shooshing in the dictionary to be sure it was not a word. It was not found in the world book dictionary but swooshing was.)
Overall impression: This is a great beginning to a story. It left the reader wanting more. That's very important.
}Weaknesses: This is not a huge problem, but look back at your paragraph 1 & 2. You use a lot of sentence fragments. Be careful. They really made your story flow, but those out there who care a lot about grammar will get you for that.
Strengths: Wow! Wish I could borrow your brain for just a little while. There is a good amount of creativity going here. Making up new worlds and new languages. Nicely done! Also you are very descriptive and I envy that.
Okay, that done...Now for the hard part.
I was kind of dying until German started to speak to Zan. Then the story picked up very nicely and captivated my attention from then on.
I know it's good to be descriptive and give many details. But I feel these should flow naturally. You did that with German. You allowed Zan to notice his killer smile and his manly smell and you described it as she was noticing it. That's natural.
Great! Wonderful. The first three or so paragraphs, although beautifully descriptive, were a little less exciting to read. I'm glad I hung in there though, because I was plesantly suprised.
My Favorite part: I LOVE the interplay between Zan and the general, when he took her to his suite 'to console her'and German of course. That is sooooooo GOOD! For me, that saved the day.
All in all, I think this is a good story and all who read it will find something to enjoy. Write on!
Overall viewpoint: I really liked this piece. It was different. Telling a single story from two different points of view. Two people, so close, and yet so far. Nice.
You wrote: God I wish she were here. The stars. She once told me that if light can pass through so much darkness, and reach us here on earth, then that means there is hope in the universe. She did. She is so right. She is so beautiful. God I wish she were here, blowing my mind all over again. What I wouldn't give to kiss her.
Suggestion: Put a comma after "God" both times.
You wrote: Oh well
Suggestion: Put a comma after "Oh"
You wrote: But that wouldn't stop me from thinking about her. Thinking thinking THINKING about her.
(e:idea) Suggestion: Put a comma after first two thinking. Thinking, thinking, THINKING
You wrote: Okay I gotta stop thinking.
(e:idea) Suggestion: Put comma after "Okay"
You wrote: I gotta stop STOP
Suggestion: Put a comma after first "stop."
You wrote: Love is so strange. A shadow in the forest.
Keep in mind that "A shadow in the forest" is not a complete sentence.
Suggestion: Put a comma and/or insert the word like.
Or leave as is.
You wrote: She's nothing. Another girl. A fantasy.
"Another girl. A fantasy." Are both sentence fragments.
Suggestion: Use commas instead of periods.
These are just suggestions. YOU are the author and it's up to you.
I had to let you know how much I liked this piece. It is good writing. Keep it up. Write on
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It is very short but packs a lot of information and emotion inside of it. 
Errors & Solutions: There were not typographical errors that I detected. You have got to be the best speller on the site. 
Me?....I need to spellcheck more often. 
You wrote: I’ve got to have money, got to pay the rent at this place…
Suggestion: Change the comma after money, into a semicolon;
What I liked: The wonderful ending. Also her thoughts to herself provided deep insight into what type of person she was. 
What I liked: I can't tell you enough how much I liked this story. It was short and very, very sweet. I liked the suprise ending. I have to say I anticipated it. However it was still wonderful to read. 
What I disliked: There was noting really to dislike about this piece. It was all quite good.
I knew that Tad would pretend that he had sneezed. I could picture him, covering his nose and saying excuse me. I thought his mother would say, "Bless you" and perhaps put her hand on his forehead to take his temperature. You had her scold him about catching a cold...Nice. 
What I disliked: In the first chapter you made me believe that this was a little boy we were dealing with, but he sounds much older in this chapter. Also the first meeting between the teens left something to be desired. Sorry, I don't know what. It just seemed like their reactions to each other was unnatural.
A confusing part: When he climbed into the window after another boy. Didn't the other guy have to raise the window to climb in? Yet the window was then only half opened. I had to re-read the whole part where he was captured to get a good idea of what you were talking about. I don't think it was expressed too clearly. Or maybe I'm just need capture scenes for dummies. 
Keep writing!
This is beautiful and well written. I think it sends a powerful, and positive message. That's always good. 
Change bfore to before
Here goes:
Overall impression: This is a great beginning to a story. It left the reader wanting more. That's very important.
God I wish she were here. The stars. She once told me that if light can pass through so much darkness, and reach us here on earth, then that means there is hope in the universe. She did. She is so right. She is so beautiful. God I wish she were here, blowing my mind all over again. What I wouldn't give to kiss her.