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Review of A Clown's Tears  
Review by cherry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, this is a truly emotional story and I really felt for the character. Here’s what I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked the emotion that you showed throughout the story, this piece really made me feel for the main character.

What I disliked
Some parts I felt were rushed, perhaps slowing down the pace of the story by adding some descriptions would help get even more emotion through.

Beginning & End
The beginning is a nice way to set the scene. It draws the reader into the story from the beginning.

The ending has a nice moral, “young children are our teachers”, this is a really good thought and it also concludes the main point of your story.

Plot
The plot is about a man who never wants to see his daughter because of the burns to his face. There were no visible plot holes and it flowed really well.

Character
The characters that you created were realistic and could be related to, I would have liked to seen more descriptions of the characters and some inner thoughts of the main character, what he must be feeling would really add something to a story like this.

Descriptions
This is a good story but there wasn’t that many descriptions, they weren’t really needed to make this an interesting read, but if you did add some descriptions about the scene and characters then the emotional impact could be increased.

Format
I didn’t see any grammar or spelling errors. The paragraphs were nicely spread, making it easy to read.

Once again this was a great read. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, this is a good little story.

What I liked
This dialogue seems real, this is so good as I can imagine something like this actually happening.

What I disliked
A lot of the dialogue uses just “said”, this can sometimes get boring to read, try using other words such as explained, etc

Also I believe that you should add some descriptions of the characters and setting to add some interest to the story.

Beginning & End
Starting the story with a crisp statement is a good way to gain the readers attention.

The ending is good, it brings the story to a close and gives the story a good twist.

Plot
This is just a conversation about writing a story. It flows well and is casually portrayed through dialogue.

Character
The characters appear real, and even though there is not much action, they are very clearly portrayed through the dialogue.

Descriptions
There are no descriptions in this story. Perhaps using some descriptions with the settings and the characters would add a bit more interest to the story.

Format

"I'm trying," I said – said should have a full stop after it. – "I'm trying," I said.

"You don't have writer's block, you pussy. Writer's block is just another word for fear. You have to forget your fear in the writing." he said. – after writing there should be a comma not a full stop.

Overall this is a good start to a story. Write on!

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Review of The Exams  
Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, this is a good little story, very realistic and something that everyone would be able to relate to in some form or another.

What I liked
I liked the realism about it. The character and his queries. This story is able to relate to the reader, which is good thing to be able to do.

What I disliked
I think this story lacked description. If you go into more detail with the descriptions of the characters, what the teacher looked like and what the room looked like then it would make for an even more interesting read.

Beginning & End
This is a good beginning. Very carefree, my suggestion would be to add more descriptions about the field and character reactions, this will help gain the reader’s attention.

Ending the story the same way as it begun was really good. Perhaps describing the scenery or the character’s inner thoughts would help to emphasize the story.

Plot
This is a smooth flowing story. Sometimes it almost read like a list, such as “I could have heard every sound that they made. I read their faces that had many unanswered questions. I felt my teacher’s stare as she reached out to hand me my paper” – just adding some more descriptions could break up the small sentences and also changing them so that they don’t start with “I”

Character
I think this is a really good character, very realistic and easy to know. At the moment there is no description about him, only his inner thoughts, perhaps if you mention how he is reacting to this test, is he shaking, sweating? Something to just add some more emotion to the character.

Descriptions
I believe that this story is lacking descriptions. Descriptions of the room, teacher and character would draw the reader deeper into the story.

Format
Here are some errors that I noticed:

“The words my mother told me kept repeating itself in my mind.” – “itself” is singular where you are talking about “words” so try “themselves” or just take out the word.

“Our teacher had told us that the National Exams was soon to come but who thought it would have been this soon and now I was doomed.” – “was” should be “were”

“I could have heard every sound that they made.” – who made?

““Their faces are glued to the paper, they know what their doing!”” – “their” should be “they’re”

“Did I do anything at all? I couldn’t remember anything at all.” – I don’t think you need to repeat “anything at all”

“She tricked us into doing a pop quiz knowingly we thought it was The Exams we all shudder to think about.” – “knowingly” should be “knowing”


Overall this is a good little story and with some more descriptions it would make for an interesting read. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, this is a great ending to an original story.

What I liked
I liked the uniqueness of your characters, their realistic personalities are easy to identify with. They have grown throughout the week (all of the other chapters), and this last chapter shows their maturity but also their cute little relationship.

What I disliked
In this chapter I didn’t really see anything that I disliked. My only suggestion is that you go into more description as they walk to the front of the class and stand in front of the students to give this speech. What emotions are going through their mind? What does the class look like? Does it seems like they are walking down a long aisle, coming face to face with what could ultimately lead to their deaths?… just something like that would create some more interest in this scene.

Beginning & End
A good way to start the story. I especially liked the way you compared the teacher to a conductor.

The ending was great. It was very descriptive and I could see the scene unfold as the two youngsters made their way out through the door to the unknown future. Great job.

Plot
This is the conclusion of the free-will project, they give a speech and move on with their lives, and their newfound friendship. It was a nice way to round up the story.

Character Development
I really liked your characters, they have grown throughout and you have portrayed them realistically.

Description
I liked your descriptions but some parts I thought you could expand on. I especially liked your ending, this was so descriptive as they walked through the halls and the door onto their future.

Format
This story was easy to read and it flowed on really well. Here are some errors that I did spot:

“They were stunned.” – who were stunned? It seems like you were talking about Andy and Tarah, and that just doesn’t make sense, why would they be stunned?

“Class, you would do well to remember their words," He made a motion towards the desks” – there should be a period after “words” or a lower case “h” for “He”

“Justin whispered harsh into Andy's ear” – “harsh” should be “harshly”

Overall I thought this was a great story and a great ending. Keep up the good work. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, this story is interesting. I can see relationships growing as the week passes. Here is what I thought about this chapter:

What I liked
I liked the way you have created realistic characters. Andy seems just like a normal teenager, going through the same dilemmas that teenagers have to go through. I have noticed that he is growing throughout all the chapters, which is a good thing.

What I disliked
I think this chapter is missing a lot of descriptions. If you were to elaborate some of your descriptions it would make the story a lot more interesting and make the reader want to continue on.

Another thing that I noticed is that a lot of your dialogue uses “said”, this can get boring to reader over and over again, so I suggest to go back over all of the dialogue and change “said” to something else.

Beginning & End
The beginning is interesting with the start of an action. My suggestion would be to elaborate on some of these descriptions though. Describe the athletes and cheerleaders in more detail. What are the cheerleaders wearing? What flips are they doing in the routine? Just something like that could add more interest to the story.

I really liked the end… this leaves it on a high note, which leads up to the conclusion. This is exactly what you need when you are working up to the conclusion. This makes the reader want to find out what is going to happen and get them to read the final chapter.

Plot
The assignment still continues. This chapter was more about the relationship building of Tarah and Andy. It flowed really nicely and read well.

Character Development
I liked your characters. I think you have described when Tarah is laying on her bed really well. These characters are realistic and easy to get to know and I can’t wait to see how they develop in the next chapter.

Description
I think this chapter lacked a lot of description. The description at the beginning should have been stronger, to describe the setting in more detail, even including what sort of flips the cheerleaders are doing, what they are wearing… etc… stuff like that would draw the readers attention to the story and make them want to continue reading.

Format
Here are the errors that I saw:

“Slick tsked, his face in a mockery of disapproval” – is “tsked” supposed to be “asked”?

“At the aunt and nephew sat in silence in the middle of the room” – “At” should be “As”

“You hoped it would have the desired effect, but it wouldn't change the situation even if it was hated.” – “was” should be “were”

"Andrew Champion!" it answered promptly – who is it? You shouldn’t use it to address a person

Overall this is looking to be a good story. I feel that you should expand on some of your descriptions, apart from that it has a good story line and interesting characters. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, this is an interesting concept that you have here. Here’s what I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked the interesting characters that you’re developing here. The main narrator seems interesting and I would like to see him develop a lot more, which will probably be in future chapters.

What I disliked
This story lacks description. It would have been better if you could describe some of the setting in the bar or how the woman looks. This will help paint the image of the story in the readers mind.

Beginning & End
The beginning was a bit confusing. Probably describing the scene would set up the story better. But once you did jump into the character it was good.

The ending. This was interesting, having the narrator speaking about his life. I would suggest to change the last paragraph or just delete it entirely. I don’t think it works for the story so far and it is a bit confusing.

Plot
At the moment it can be a bit confusing. The dialogue is great but without any setting or descriptions of the character it can be a bit confusing. But apart from that you have a good story coming along here.

Character Development
I can see the characters are really coming along. They are interesting but I would like to see them. Work with the description for this story and the reader will be able to see the characters a bit better.

Description
This story lacks descriptions and I think you really need to work on these. Once you have some descriptions I think this would be a great story.

Format
Here are some errors that I saw:

“After a a respite at the next inn” – you have 2 “a”s, you should remove 1

“and have you’re wits about you you know the broad in that dress” – there should be a comma after the first “you”

“i usually snuck out” – “i” should be a capital “I”

“even the word is hockey and it emmbaresses me that I even know” – “emmbaresses” should be “embarrasses”

“as compelete a defeat as posible without their death” – “compelete” should be “complete” and “posible” should be “possible”

“but the fake blood splashing everwhere does nothing for me” – “everwhere” should be “everywhere”

“mouthes me off” – “mouthes” should be “mouths”

“Everytime I even came close” – “Everytime” should be “Every time”

Overall this is a great start to a story. I feel that you really need to work on the descriptions and once you have painted the setting and characters then I think it will be an excellent read. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I liked this chapter. It was full of humour and the characters were more developed in this then in the previous chapters. Here’s what I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked the character development, especially between Andy and Tarah. I believe this chapter shows more of these two characters and it makes them more realistic. They just seem like two teenagers who are doing an assignment and actually realising they like each other. I’m sure readers would be able to relate to these characters.

What I disliked
I think you should expand on the descriptions for the settings. This is my only suggestion for this chapter. The rest was pretty good.

Beginning & End
The beginning was good. It continues on with the project and then you lead on to Justin’s and Slick’s little ordeal, which was very funny.

The ending leaves the reader contemplating what has just happened. I like how you left it “Only the crickets answered”, this is a good way to keep the readers attention to continue reading future chapters.

Plot
The plot is basically students trying to do a free-will project, but I feel there is a side-plot brewing between Andy and Tarah. This is really great, the way she came over to work on the assignment and they ended up liking each other. This was really sweet.

Character Development
I could see some great developments in the characters. Especially between Tarah and Andy. These two characters really were great, especially at Andy’s place. Great work on developing these characters.

Description
Some of the descriptions were good, mainly of the actions, but I still feel there is a lack of description when it comes to setting. Just try to expand on the settings and the things around the character. Apart from that the characters are great.

Format
Here are some errors that I noticed:

"Think this is gonna work, dude?" Slick said – “said” should be “asked”

“like a streamer of slime dripping down” – “streamer” should be either “stream” or “sliver”

“a streamer of drool falling off his lip” – “streamer” should be “stream”

"But if were going to wrangle a couple of pervs, we do it earlier," – “were” should be “we’re”

"So, is your mom or dad coming home soon," she asked – there should be a ? after soon.

Overall this chapter was probably the best so far. It was full of action and humour. And the characters were more developed in this chapter than the previous ones. Can’t wait to see what comes next. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, this story is starting to sound really interesting. Here’s what I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked your characters, the way they are developing is easy to relate with them, they seem to be the average high school teenagers, with the same problems of fitting in and doing homework and other such problems.

What I disliked
I think you could expand on your descriptions, especially when it comes to the setting. There was not much in the way of descriptions at school, this could help the reader imagine what is happening.

Beginning & End
“The exhaust beat steadily on the boy's legs as the Joltswagon left carpool for the open road. He watched the car flash behind a stream of trees before it disappeared altogether.” – this is a great way to start the chapter, it draws the reader in from the very beginning, making them want to know what’s going to come next.

The ending was just great. It leaves the reader wanting to know what’s coming next with the future chapters. I would really like to know what is significant about the “heroic path”, so I’ll have to continue reading.

Plot
This chapter is them just talking about the project, nothing much happens here. It concentrates on Andy’s crush and what he’ll do. At the moment I cannot see where this story is heading, is that your point? It does work but perhaps just some indication as to what is going to come next will probably help develop the plot.

Character Development
These characters are really coming along. Andy is a great character that resembles an average teenager. The only suggestion that I can make here is perhaps use some more emotions (reactions to what they are going through) and some more thoughts, what is Andy thinking, you can expand on it, especially when Mari comes over to him… but that’s only my opinion…

Description
The characters are pretty well described. I think you need to expand on some of the descriptions for the setting.

Format

“Then, roboticly, he began to move forward into the heat of battle.” – “roboticly” should be “robotically”

"Hum," the woman sighed – “Hum” should be “Hmm”

"Is there any reason to make him believe he's stronger that he really is?" – “that” should be “than”

Overall I think it’s coming along and I look forward to reading the rest. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Chapter 1 is interesting and the characters that you have created are growing, which is good. Here’s what I thought of the chapter:

What I liked
I liked your descriptions. I could see the room and the characters, which is a good thing, especially in a story like this. I believe descriptions are one of the most important element in a story because it helps the reader visualise what is happening, so it’s good that your story helps with this.

What I disliked
I think you should change all instances of “said”, to me it takes away from the story when dialogue is only spoken with “said”.

And another thing, this isn’t a dislike just a suggestion. I can see that you have used a third person narrative with viewpoints of Jericho and Jude. My suggestion is that you only use one viewpoint at a time, splitting up the paragraphs when you’re jumping to the other viewpoint. I think that using the thoughts of both characters could become predictable since the reader would know what both of them are thinking, where if you only use one person’s thoughts then it could leave some suspense in the story since the reader will not know what everyone is thinking and they won’t know why some characters say some of the things they do… but this is only my suggestion, I know it could be a lot of work to change the story so I’ll just say this is not a dislike it was just a suggestion on creating more interest in the story.

Beginning & End
The beginning was great. It uses a lot of descriptions to get the reader to visualise the surroundings. It creates interest with Jericho thinking something is wrong and this makes the reader want to continue to find out what is the matter.

The ending sums up the interrogation and still leads the story into the next chapter, this is good as it still leaves the reader wanting to know what will happen next.

Plot
This chapter is just about introducing the 2 detectives and Jericho Ward. It’s pretty much an interrogation session where the detectives are trying to discover if Jericho killed Frank from the previous chapter. The story flows really well and you sum up all of the action of the chapter while still leading on to the next chapter, this is a good thing.

Character Development
I really liked your characters. You painted a picture of them. My only suggestion is that you try to add some emotion to them when they move or even how they speak. Another thing is I found the characters really riveting and getting into the dialogue and then you use “said”, this really detracts from a story so I would suggest that you change all instances of “said” to other words to show emotion and how they say it.

Description
Descriptions are really good. If you wanted to make it even better you could expand on some of these descriptions and add some detail to what the characters are looking at, especially for the detectives who would be looking at every intricate detail. Take this paragraph:

“Aside from the kitchen units and the shelves along the left of the room, there were only two other pieces of furniture. In the centre of the room, a soft black leather reclining chair looked out towards the western view and beside it sat a low table. On it sat a laptop computer, a paperback novel, a nearly full bottle of malt whiskey and an empty crystal tumbler”

- You could say something like this –

“Aside from the maple kitchen units that were coated in a gloss that shone slightly in the dim light and the rows of shelves that moved along the left wall of the room, there were only two other pieces of furniture. In the centre of the room stood a soft black leather reclining chair, positioned to take in the western view, the smell of new leather circling around it, and beside it sat a low wooden table. On it sat a black, sleek laptop computer, a paperback novel that had a slim book mark sticking out from the centre of the thick book, signifying where the reader was up to, a nearly full bottle of malt whiskey and an empty crystal tumbler lay beside it” – or something like that, but this is only my suggestion

Format
Again using indentation makes the story easy to read. Here’s some errors that I did notice:

“there was not enough light the dull” – this should be “there was not enough light in the dull”

“wore a crumpled raincoat over his” – over his what?

“his mumbled quietly to himself” – “his” should be “he”

“All of the cabinets looked the identical” – you should get rid of the “the”

you use a lot of “said” in your dialogue, I would suggest change this to the various different words (screamed, asked, confessed, etc), this will add more interest for the reader

‘Quite a few I guess.’ replied Matt, shrugging his shoulders. – Who’s Matt? – he’s used a lot in the next couple of paragraphs

‘Help yourself if you’d like some.’ – you use “some” in the previous sentence. I think you should remove the “some” from here.

Overall this was an interesting chapter, all of my advice is only suggestions and it’s up to you if you use any of it, but the story is interest at the moment and I will definitely want to read on to the next chapters. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, thanks for submitting to my forum. Here is what I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked the way you use descriptions. You use more than sight to give the reader the image of what is happening, and the way you introduce the assailant’s description it doesn’t seem like you are just throwing in the description, it works. I would have liked to know a bit of description with Joe but, you don’t have any descriptions for him.

What I disliked
The only thing I can say here is that I would have liked to know what Joe looks like, perhaps adding some fear into his face as he realises that the keyboard won’t stop the bullets. Apart from that the story was great.

Beginning & End
This was an interesting start to a story. “Joe put his full force behind the keyboard as he swung it at the younger man’s head, using his momentum to lift him from the chair in a sweeping arc.” – this line makes the reader want to know what is happening. It’s a great thing to be able to captivate the reader in the first sentence, it makes them want to continue reading.

The ending leads the reader wanting more, which is a good sign in a prologue. You have summed up all of the action that had happened in the story and leaves it so that the reader will want to know what’s happening.

Plot
This story is just as the chapter title states. It flowed on properly and the action was very descriptive as you explained the whole horrible ordeal. It was very well done.

Character Development
I liked the way you described the characters, especially when Joe is trying to protect himself from the gun. The way you describe these actions lets the reader really see what Joe is feeling.

Description
Your descriptions are great in describing the scene, the assailant and even the action. The words you use keep the reader engaged and interested in what is happening. I like it when I can find a story that allows me to picture what is happening. The only thing is I would have liked to have some descriptions of Joe, but that’s my only complaint here.

Format
I like the way you have indented the writing, it makes it easy to follow and read. There was only one sentence that confused me, I know what you’re saying but perhaps just say it a different way. “the keyboard faltered mid-swing as Joe reached the full extent of the cable to the computer, sat on the antique desk beside the bay window” – perhaps you could say it like “the keyboard faltered mid-swing as Joe reached the full extent of the cable attached to the computer that sat on the antique desk beside the bay window” – just changing a couple of words will make the sentence flow properly.

Overall the prologue was really interested and I can’t wait to get into the story and read the rest. Write On!

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Review of Questions  
Review by cherry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

Even though this is such a short piece it addresses a lot of questions that everyone asks possibly every day. And then ending it on the final question, even though they do ask the questions they probably miss the answer because they are asking more questions. This was just a great little piece of writing

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Review of Secret Identity  
Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, this story was truly a great read, I’m glad you submitted it to my forum. Here are some suggestions on the story:

What I liked
I liked the emotion of the characters. Josh seems so confused and realistic. I can see what is happening to him and all of his conflicts and I even pitied him, especially the way it ended. It was truly a sad end.

What I disliked
I felt the ending was a bit rushed. I would have liked to see some more descriptions with the car accident, I feel that one paragraph to explain what is happening is too short to create the emotional impact that you are aiming for.

Beginning & End
“Josh awoke with a groan to the incessant clanging of the alarm clock penetrating his consciousness” – this is a great sentence to start on. The words you use captivates the reader and makes them want to read on further.

I liked how you recollected how everyone was affected by the accident. My only objection is that I think you rushed the car accident a bit much. Perhaps slow down the action and describe some of Josh’s feelings when this is happening. The story seems to be from Josh’s perspective then all of a sudden you jump to an unrelated narrator, which takes away some emotional impact. Perhaps keeping with Josh’s perspective and creating some of his emotion that is happening as he sees this car coming towards him. I’m sure time would appear to go in slow motion when something like this is happening, so slow it down and let the reader know what things are going through his mind. Apart from that it was a great ending.

Plot
This was a truly personal story about a boy that was finding his sexuality and finding it difficult to be himself in a high school full of mean boys. I liked how you introduced the story by going through flashbacks of Josh’s two friends. It flows rather well and is still easy to follow and know what is going on.

Character Development
I liked the way you wrote the characters, especially Josh. I would have liked to have seen more physical characteristics and descriptions like his hair colour and eyes, the rest of his descriptions were great (especially when he’s looking in the mirror) and some descriptions of the other characters. My one criticism with the characters is that Mark seems to come on too strongly. Perhaps you can expand on their conversation before he goes into the taunting about him being a homo. It just seems something that wouldn’t be brought up just after mentioning that Josh has to go home before his mother worries… but that’s only my opinion.

Description
Some of the descriptions are great but I would have liked to see more descriptions on the setting and the physical appearances of the characters (although this does not affect the emotional punch that the story has).

Format
The spacing of the paragraphs make it easy to read and follow which is a good thing. Here are some errors that I did spot:

“his dream fading he rolled over tossing the blankets back and sat up on the edge of the bed” – this should be “his dream fading as he rolled over tossing the blankets back and sat up on the edge of the bed”

bragged the little stranger. “his name is Arnold and he can do tricks!” – “his” should be capital “H”

countered Josh “I bet I can spit farther than you can.” – after “Josh” there should be a period (.)

demonstrating his prowess – “demonstrating” should have capital “D”

“breakfast is on the table let’s go! If you can get done in twenty minutes I have time to drive you to school.” – “breakfast” should have a capital “B”

a lot of your dialogue is missing the period and the capitalisation of the first letter. My suggestion would be to go through the story and double-check all of your dialogue to fix this error.

“He had always been a pretty good athelete” – “athelete” should be “athlete”

“Josh also remebered what they had done while they were kids” – “remebered” should be “remembered”

had deep religous objections to pre-marital sex or who were clearly not interested in him. – “religous” should be “religious”

startling Josh out of his daydream again.“Well young man” – there should be a space between “again” and “well”

“Mark called a small grin on his face” – there should be a comma after “called”

Overall this was a great and powerful story and with some slight editing I believe that it would be a very interesting read, especially for people that are currently going through this experience. I hope my review has been of some use to you and please feel free to post any story on my forum again. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, this was an interesting start to a story. At the moment I have no idea where you are going with the story but I would like to read on and find out what will happen to the characters. Here are my thoughts on the story:

What I liked
I liked the way you described your characters, the whole class scene is really well described and I can picture everything that is happening in the scene.

What I disliked
The beginning was a bit slow but by the time you reached introducing Andy it had improved. I would suggest that you expand on the descriptions to add some more interest for the reader and make them want to continue reading.

Beginning & End
I think you should expand on some descriptions to make your introduction sound more interesting. It is interesting at the moment but with some more visuals it would really draw the reader in and make them want to continue reading.

The ending apart from seeming unfinished (which is due to it being only 1 part of the story) ended well, with Andy being shown what free will was and I liked the concluding line “the peppermint sat abandoned on the ashtray.” This line ends what is happening and sums up the whole free will demonstration really well.

Plot
There was not much to this story. All I could see about it was the introductions of the characters and the introduction to the class of free-will. It was rather interesting and kept to the small plots that you have got going at the moment but I gather a lot of the story will be continued in the other stories.

Character Development
I can see the characters coming along pretty well. Andy is an interesting character and the way you described him allowed me to picture what he looked like in my mind perfectly.

Description
I liked the way you use descriptions in this story. At the beginning the descriptions weren’t as interesting but by the time you come to describe the characters it was really well done.

Format
I liked the way you separated the paragraphs to make it easier to follow. Here are some errors that I noticed:

“the biggest decision-making he made was weather to pick” – “weather” should be “whether”

“Opening said door” – this doesn’t make sense, perhaps if you say “he said as he opened the door”

“Like the breaking of a dam, the students poured out of the door en mass” – “en” should be “in”

"So, what are you guys going to do for your free-will assignment?" he said – “said” should be “asked”

"Putting out the tires of Old Windbag Magee..." – “tires” should be “tyres”

A lot of the dialogue uses “said”, try mixing it up with other words such as “cried”, “replied”, etc

Overall this story was a good introduction to a story where I would like to read on and find out what is happening. Thanks for sharing. Write On!

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Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, This is a very powerful piece of writing.

What I liked
I liked the emotion that you put into this story. The reader can feel the pain and fear that Farah is feeling which is a good thing to be able to accomplish in a story.

What I disliked
It’s not really a dislike but I would have liked to have seen more description to help create the scene in my mind, the emotion works really well and I believe that with some description the story can be even better.

Beginning & End
The beginning paragraph draws the reader into the story. It makes the reader want to know what has happened to this girl and want to keep reading to find out. This is a good way to start a story, to captivate the reader from the start.

I love the ending. It sums up the story and leaves it on an emotional note. I especially liked how you used the first line as the last line. I believe that this ending is really powerful and leaves the reader still feeling the pain that Farah is feeling.

Plot
This is a tender topic at the moment and I believe that you have handled it superbly. It’s about a woman in Iraq who looses her family when America comes to overthrow Sadam. I liked how you put the story through this woman’s eyes, it is very powerful and emotional because she is loosing everything that she has known in her life.

Character Development
I think the characters here are amazing. They are very realistic and the reader gets to especially know Farah. The only thing I could suggest would be to expand the description of the characters.

Description
Even though this lacks description it is a very emotional piece of writing. I believe that if you add more descriptions it could be even better, especially when the bomb has hit the building.

Format
I liked the way you separated each paragraph. This makes it easy for the reader to follow along. Here are some errors that I did notice:

“He will grow up to be a strong and wise” – I think you should lose “a” before “strong”

“he IS strong and perfect” – I don’t think “IS” needs to be capitalised

“surely things would settle down soon and maybe soon they might be free of the tyranny and corruption of Saddam” – I think you shouldn’t use “soon” twice”, maybe delete the one after “settle down”

“They even told about rewards” – “told” should be “talked”

Overall I really enjoyed this piece of writing. It’s emotional and leaves the reader feeling the pain of Farah. Great work, thanks for sharing. Write On!
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Review by cherry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, this is a cute little story, really bringing an end to the Alice in Wonderland story.

What I liked
I liked the way you describe things. It made it easy to picture them in my mind which made the story more interesting.

What I disliked
A lot of your dialogue you use “said”, this can get a bit boring for the reader. Try to vary how the characters say things.

Beginning & End
The beginning had a lot of emotion and made me want to keep reading, to find out why this character is going to see the white rabbit.

The ending had just as much sadness and I liked how you finished with another child finding the rabbit hole. It’s sad that one cannot return but it is a good ending to know that more children would be able to find the rabbit hole.

Plot
This is a cute little story. It’s plot is about someone saying goodbye to the white rabbit because they have gotten too old to believe in those stories. Even though it’s only a small story you have a lot emotion and sadness for the characters and their departure.

Character Development
This story is a of two characters reminiscing. I think you have really developed both characters, there is a sense of maturity and coming of age as one character bids a farewell to the white rabbit. The way you portray the characters are interesting to read and with the emotion it really made me want to find out what was going to happen.

Description
The descriptions of the scenes allowed me to paint a vivid image as I read the story. This made it interesting to read. The only suggestion that I can make here is that you add some descriptions to the characters, for example to the white rabbit. What have the years done to him? How does he look now compared to when the character first met him? I’m sure he would have changed appearance since you portrayed such a vivid image of his hole changing appearance.

Format
The paragraphs are nicely spaced which made it easy to read and follow. The only suggestion that I could make is with the following paragraph:

“As a child I had spent time with him almost daily” – “daily” seems a wrong word. You could try to use “every day” instead.

Overall this is a great little story. The emotion that you put into such a short story is great to see. Write On!
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Review of Heartless  
Review by cherry
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a really interesting story. It's really soft and dream-like which makes it a good read. Here's some things that I thought about the story:

What I liked
I liked the way you used such beautiful words to describe what's happening. The words are so peaceful and romantic, and the story flows on like a dream. This is a good talent to have, to be able to let the reader see the story through description.

What I disliked
Sometimes the over use of "and" could be a bit distracting. I can see what you were trying to accomplish but sometimes with the four or more words linked together with end it could just be too much, you could try to replace and with a comma or break up the ands like "she’s silk and satin, silver and stoic" - but that's only my suggestion.

Beginning & End
The beginning was done really well. It made me want to read on. I could feel all of the emotion and the use of words such as "silk and satin" to describe this lady was really good.

The ending ties up everything and finishing it with repeating the first "silk and satin and silver and stoic and scornful and superior and silent" was a good touch. The one suggestion that I can make is to take out the last sentence, or rearrange the last paragraph. I think it would be really good to finish on "silk and satin and silver and stoic and scornful and superior and silent" - but that's also my suggestion.

Plot
This was a good story, I couldn't really see where it was going until the end. This is a story of temptation. Of a married man and this other woman. You wrote it so that the reader could not see who this woman was until the end, that was very well done.

Character Development
I like the characters that you have created. The man and his awkwardness. I can feel his confusion and then he does learn that he has done the wrong thing at the end of the story, and then there is the woman. She is so silent, so is like someone in his dream, really well done.

Descriptions
Even though this was only a short story I could picture the entire story. Your descriptions were great and the flow of the story was enhanced by the words you use such as "silk and satin". It's good to see a writer who can do this.

Format
The paragraphs are double space which makes it easy to read and follow. This story flows on like the very satin that you are describing, that is a good thing.

"He touches one arm, feels the cold softness, slides a finger up white marble to her shoulder." - this was a bit confusing, what does "slides a finger up white marble" mean?

"He’s flying, diving in and out among clouds until he finally floats tranquilly on the breeze, smiling up lazily at her" - this is a bit confusing this sentence "tranquility" does not fit. you could add a "finding" before "tranquility" and it should read better.

Overall I think this is really a good story, you have a great talent with descriptions. I would like to suggest that you call this "Silk and Satin", this pretty much sums up the girl in the story. Write On!
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Review by cherry
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, thanks for stopping by my forum and giving me the chance to read this story.

What I liked
I liked the emotion of this story. Even though it is only short it is very much heartfelt. The character is doing the wrong thing but the way you describe her makes the reader want to sympathize with her which is a great talent to be able to do. One of the best sentences in the story was "I made it up to my room with the aching pain ripping my organs out", this is a really great sentence, you can really imagine what the character is going through. I commend you for that.

What I disliked
I couldn't really tell you this. This story is so powerful that I don't think there is really anything that I disliked, there are things that I'll suggest but to be honest they are just suggesttions and not things that I hated about the story.

Beginning & End
The beginning was great. "The agony was too much", this is a great sentence to begin with. It makes the reader want to know what agony & what the character is going through. I like it when I find stories that can draw me in from the first sentence.

The ending although it was good there is just something missing. The story uses emotional words throughout it and finishing on the words "excruciating affair" probably detracts from the overall emotional punch. My suggestion would be to change the sentences around to "It had been an excruciating affair. My rorring remains were a disgrace." and probably ending with a sentence like "Now I have to live with the guilt of what I had done.", but that's only my suggestion.

Plot
This has a good plot and one that a lot of people can relate to. The affair is probably a hard topic to talk about and you did it well.

Character Development
I can really see this character. Feel her emotions and share her pain. It's great when a writer has the ability to draw the reader into the characters life.

Descriptions
You do a good job but one suggestion that I could make is with the characters. You don't know what the characters look like which could hinder the readers ability to picture the scene in their mind.

Format
There are a couple of technical errors that I found:

"Tim was forced to work out of town to up keep the family" - this is a bit confusing it could be better if you did something like this "Tim was forced to work out of town to help feed and support the family".

"the voiced said softly" - voiced should be "voice"

" "Mark", he repeated. My name is Mark " - You are missing a quotation mark before "My name is Mark"

"We spend the rest of our day" - "our" would probably be better if it was replaced with "the"

"It had been a telegram for me, and it was from an uknown name but it was address to me" - this would be better if it was "It had been a telegram, and it was from an uknown name but it was address to me"

"I felt my stomach growled" - "growled" should be "growl"

"my tears rushed helplessly down my cheeks as sat at the edge of the" - this should be "my tears rushed helplessly down my cheeks as I sat at the edge of the bed"

"Forgive my guilt" - it would be better and have more of a pack if it was "Forgive me"

Once again I thought this was a really great and emotional piece of writing. I hope I've been of some help to you and look forward to reading some of your writing in the future. Write On!
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