What a wonderful bedtime story. If you don't mind, I will read it to my kids. I really enjoyed it.
Just a few oopses and suggestions: 1st paragraph 2 line sister is mis-spelled. I lost track of paragraphs but gentle is also mis-spelled further down. "how" starts a sentence in quotes so should be capitalized. Other than that check your spacing and paragraph formations, read it out loud and check for punctuation and flow.
It is wonderful and I am sure if you read it as though you are telling it to your child; your flow will be easier to mark in written form. Great Job!
Lora
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The concept is very good. Just for flow, however I would break it into stanzas. You seem to have two different styles in one..which is fine but would read better if broken up. Cool poem though!
I do not argue religion. I will however make a point;there is no such thing as a true athiest. We all believe in something;a true athiest believes in nothing.
Now technically:Read you work out loud. You have some spacing and punctuation claifications to make. Also check paragraph 4 sentence 5 you have misspelled "every". In another paragraph you need to fix "wil" to "will". In the papagraph that begins "Often times" look at your last sentence. I think you are saying you have read most of the Bible. You have left something out.
Overall: It is a good piece. You sound young and a little confused. Advice from an observer; don't label yourself as anything until you are grounded in yourself.
This folder holds your heart;what a wonderful thing to share with others! I am proud of you. You do not know me but that does not matter. We are overcomers. We are strong. We love and are loved. We both write of our past and live our future one day at a time. That binds us. Your words have the power to bind many; keep writing, keep sharing that beautiful heart of your's!
Lora
This is a very good piece! You have captured several things at once. The trauma of rape and the out of body escape to the trauma are very well done. My queston is:Is she truely held by a demon or is that only how a person apears in the eyes of their victim? The appoligies and gifts are an interesting piece of the puzzle. Having not read the novels, I am not familar with her story. This poem draws me in however....good hook!
I find no errors in grammer or technique. Awesome Job!
I am not sure what just happened? Was it a ghost..a dream...aliens? I don't know but it is very good! I had a hard time reading it but that is due to personal stuff..I was an abused child. So I had a hard time with the beginning but the story itself has merit. I find no technical errors. This would be a good beginning to a longer piece. If you add to it let me know..it is very good as it is however.
Lora
Wonderful! Ok, What happens now? This is a very good set-up for a full blown murder mystery which could go many different ways. Good job with imagery and settings. Keep going! Write more and finish the story.When you do let me know..I would love to know WHO...or What... Did it?
Lora
Sorry, I just could not get into this piece.Maybe it is me. It rambles. You have imagery and try to create pictures in the mind of the reader but to me they never came into focus. It is a good concept and could be a wonderful piece. I had trouble following it however.
Lora
A truely heart felt piece.Freedom will never be free because something so precious must be fought for, protected,and guarded. Unfortunately, our's has come with a high price. You did a wonderful job revealing your feelings both about the terrorist act on September 11 and the current war in Iraq. As an editorial your piece is well concieved and informative. To me some of the sentence structure would read and flow better if it was broken up. The use of multiple compound sentences makes the piece seem wordy. All the words are needed but could be rephrased or broken into smaller sentences for better flow. In the 1st paragraph "its" should be punctuated "it's". Check your spacing between words and sentences in some places you single spaced in others you double spaced, especially after periods. In the 3rd paragraph the questio "They wanted our attention?" to me should be a strong statement punctuated with either a "." or even better an "!". It does not read right as a question. Other than those few items your piece is very strong and grammatically correct.
review done for Thieves R' Us by:
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Very good. Use puntuation for flow and meter breaks and you will have a very good form and wonderful poem. I really like the idea! Good concept and very good imagery. Keep going!
Lora
You have a good beginning. Add to it. You caught my attention but left me hanging. What is your wish? Why is it hopeless? Give your reader more. Keep writing.
Lora
Your form and content are perfect. I can relate to the poem. My mother's home is similar. Your imagery was very good. The cold and stale emotions as well as the love came through beautifully. The fourth stanza speaks volumes. The first line sums it all up.
GREAT JOB! Peace to your heart,
Lora
I am loving doing these reviews. I have read some wonderful pieces. I try to do this even when it is not a contest but thank you for the encouragement!
BEAUTIFUL! It is not often I stop reviewing to read a piece to my husband. This one however made us both cry!
You did a great job explaining these events. Your piece flows wonderfully. The content is factual and heart wrenching! We are of Native heritage and to read this wonderful work was a blessing to know others hearts lie with our roots!
I find nothing technically wrong with this piece.Thank you, for sharing it.
Lora
Your imagery is wonderful. Making the point of cleansing and cycles in nature is great. You give purpose for tragedy.I love the persona you created for the storm!
Technically, I find just a few errors. "Bosomed" should be bossomed.(1st stanza 2nd line)
"Scraping" should be scrapping.(5th stanza 2nd line)
Other than that wonderful piece!
Lora
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