This is written well. There are a lot of things I like about it.
For one, you sprinkled in some very old language throughout, not too much, just enough to lend the piece some authenticity. For instance, the word "maugre" I had to look up, it's obsolete now, but fits with this piece. And the word "reredos" I thought had something to do with fireplaces, so had to look that up, too, and it fits.
Your description of place is well done.
I was a little puzzled with the first sentence by the mention of Lady Guinevere - she never showed up again. Why did we need to see her sitting by her spinet? Maybe it needs a little rework to show she is there as merely a comparison point to Mervin's harp? Not sure about this.
The other thing that puzzled me was that this story was mostly told as a recap or maybe a prologue to the real story. You could have made the action scenes very dramatic, and the motivation for Merlin and his entourage wasn't quite there.
Are you planning to write more?
Anyway, I did enjoy this, just thought there should be a little more to it.
Very good. An admirable attempt to emulate such an iconic legend.
For the most part, I think you remained true to the characters. Maybe some of the dialog was a little off. For instance: '“I dare say it’s a bit early for our demise. I suggest we eliminate one of them.”
“I second that.” Holmes pulled a stick' - Holmes response didn't seem quite right or just a little off, a little to modern day speech. It didn't really detract too much, but it did make me pause to reflect it.
Also, I don't recall the Watson character being quite so efficient - but that could just be me, it's been a very long while since I read these mysteries.
The bit about going crazy at the end was a nice little touch. The bit about him talking to himself and handing over the car keys was also believable, a little Deja Vu with when I both argue and agree with myself! Of course that only happens when I'm so bone-tired that I'm slap-happy.
Wished I had some suggestions for you, but you set this up perfectly, from the ennui, to the frustration, to the anger, to the total submission of the situation.
You do know how to build up suspense. Your background information was seamlessly woven into the whole story, which is nice.
The only thing I found a little puzzling was that his being three-sheets-to the wind, so to speak, when he left the bar that he didn't have more trouble driving home. Another mode of transportation would not have set up access to the tire iron, so I'm not sure if there is another writer's gimmick to solve this puzzle.
At any rate, I did enjoy the story. Keep up the good work!
Very funny! The not so subtle moral is probably subtle enough for young ones to think twice about drinking and driving.
It's a math thing, in this part of a sentence - "run in three hours- took most deliverers at least four, with five being the average" - if most delivered in four, how could the average be five?
Writing a story entirely in the third person is tough to pull off, but you did do that here.
It has both advantages and disadvantages, though. The advantage is that you can see the entire story unfold as if you're watching a movie.
The disadvantage is that it is difficult to invoke emotion in the reader. I think you came close to doing that in the scene where Roger was approaching the pumpkin in the middle of the night. Maybe this story could be strengthened in this regard in a few of the paragraphs - I would have liked to see a little more surprise at the moment the light flashed and some more frantic behavior from the parents when they were looking for Roger.
You have a good writing style, keep up the good work!
I think the one thing that could have made it stronger was to have given Fatina just a chance of indicating she had something to hide earlier in the story.
It may have also helped to explain or show how the faeries were or needed to be cannabalists. It took a pretty good leap to process this fact.
I hope you get a chance to revisit this story and flesh it out some more. I think it has a lot of potential.
You set a scene that was such a nice picture of remembrance. It spoke volumes about the relationship.
The last verse, however, kind of negated the "Autumn" theme. It spoke of events throughout the year. Maybe you could break it up and add another verse to show why Autumn is so special. Just a thought.
I really don't think I could give you any suggestions.
The one thing that maybe could help would be to expound at this point: "I still miss her so much! The thought came, unbidden, to his mind." Not too much, but maybe just a little more about the love felt between these seemingly soul mates - the struggle to cope with the loss.
But I did understand it in the end, so that might not be necessary at all.
I dare say that I wished you had spent more time and words on this whole concept. Not only is it entertaining, but pretty much true to the spiritual voyage one must go through to even begin the questioning of what it all means.
I struggled to find anything that I could suggest to you for a possible improvement. There were a couple of places where I thought you could have expanded some, but on rereading those, it would have been overkill.
I understand the sentiment of your last paragraph, but it is a little contradictory. If a person touches another in a way that molds or shapes a life, how can that life remain empty? It may not be filled to the brim, but it does not remain empty. Perhaps it is the lump of clay that is empty until it is shaped into a vase? And...it takes another to fill the vase because the vase cannot fill itself? You see why it is a bit perplexing. Just a thought.
You did set a very believable scene in the shop. I could really picture it in my mind's eye.
You do write well. Your grammar and punctuation are excellent. Your style is very descriptive. Maybe just expound a little more in the last paragraph.
I really don't have a lot to suggest to you, so I'll do one of the petty little things.
This phrase was a little awkward: "into the murky sludge on the street." - perhaps it signifies the demon going down into the underworld, but it didn't quite make sense after he "vanished with a gust of wind."
Both the voices of the characters and the scene you set are very believable.
Just a thought: This may be strengthened a little by adding a some more prelude to the ending. There was only the whiff and butterflies in Anita's stomach that foreshadowed the ending. As it stands now, the ending seems a little out of place or a digression from the rest of the story. I don't think it would take much to do this. Maybe just a sentence or two.
A good story. Very reminiscent of O'Henry's "The Gift Of The Magi," but with a modern day twist. Nice.
I must admit that it was a little bit of a stretch to imagine a fountain with only one cup of water. After all the years that had passed since the explorations, could it even be just a little rainwater?
The other question that kept going through my mind was why they didn't share the water?
One point of spelling/grammar: "that most accomplished" - shouldn't it read 'than most accomplished?'
I wish there were one more option for me to choose in this pole:
"Yes. I use semicolons in my own writing; but not as often as I should."
I see that you didn't write this poll, but this would be much more accurate for my response. I guess in the end, though, the polling results would be the same.
One thing you may want to review is that it seems as if all of the characters are talking and thinking in the same voice. There doesn't seem to be much to distinguish one from the other. Not sure how you could do this since you're writing about a time in the distant past, but you might want to think about it.
There is one place that didn't quite fit, though: “That figures,” said Muhsin. - this phrase is a modern one and contradicts the old-world style dialog that you use throughout the piece.
It can be difficult for someone (like me) who speaks only one language to review a piece written in English by someone who's writing in a second language, but here goes:
I wouldn't change too much about this. One thing you might want to look at is that describing how she looks while she's in the middle of her ritual was a little distracting and with no one around to see her, it didn't really add to the story. You made close to the same description when she arrived back to meet her group - maybe you could embellish a little more in this scene instead?
As for grammar, there are a couple of phrases you might want to look at:
"and both forces needed each other in order to co-exist." - I wonder if you meant 'in order to balance?'
"and the red and black candles lights" - candles should be singular, lights would remain plural in this case.
"She put each red apple next to haveeach candle" - looks like 'have' didn't get deleted in this phrase when you rewrote something.
You set up an enticing scene here. I could read more.
As for suggestions, I suppose other reviewers have pointed out that there is no white space between the paragraphs. It's most likely a cut-and-paste phenomena. It is very hard on the reader, though, and distracts from the flow of reading the piece so it would be well worth your time to add some spacing.
This was a little awkward: "I wasn’t to know" and "Nor was I to know" - could read either 'wasn't supposed to' and 'was I supposed to' or 'I didn't know' and 'Nor did I know.'
In this phrase: "wet pine leaves" - pine tree leaves are called needles. You could change the word or add a tree that has leaves.
You asked specifically for punctuation: "get caught up in this ordeal, because of me" and "blood line, and thus" - the commas are not needed here.
"I have grown weary from the sleepless nights, and unstable from constantly having to look over my shoulder." - the comma is also not needed here.
Nevertheless, I really liked this story, or beginning of a story. I hope you continue it.
I can tell this is going to be a pretty good book. I like how you wrote this first chapter in the voice of a seven-year-old girl. I think it might become tedious if it were carried out through an entire book, though.
There are some things that you'll want to take a look at.
One thing you'll want to look out for as you do your rewrite is for phrases like "became mesmerizing by the dancing flames." This should most likely read 'mesmerized.' To find things like this, it sometimes helps to slowly read the story out loud. I say slowly because the eyes can skim over words or phrases to see what you thought you wrote and not actually what you did write.
The other thing that struck me was that this chapter seems incomplete. Some things that come to mind:
- She never did go through the naming ceremony.
- The lack of a relationship with Dennis is perplexing, or maybe it is that there is no sense of why Dennis would show up to do such a thing.
- Some pretty abrupt changes - all in one paragraph: from tears, to balling up fists, to thoughts of torture.
Sorry to offer so generalized suggestions, but I really do like this piece. I think all you really need to do is create some transitions from one thought to the next (maybe describe the naming ceremony, too).
You certainly did build momentum all the way to the end. I like the way you set the scene - I could very well picture it in my mind's eye.
There were a lot of terms that I was unfamiliar with, but I think I got the gist of them by reading through to the end. In some cases, it might help to describe some of the objects. You did that well with the devil statue.
It took me a while to catch onto your cadence in this story, but I think it is because there are few places that did't make much sense and could tighten up the prose. I'll give you a few examples:
"She had to go there for once and for all." Too many for's in this phrase. Probably should read "She had to go there once and for all."
" but if she decided to go - she should try it out - but if she went," This was a little awkward. Since she was struggling with her decision, probably just adding the word 'and,' as in "and she should try it out" would help - or rephrasing the sentence to show that she was struggling with the decision.
It is an interesting challenge you took up. I think you succeeded in producing a coherent thought that actually painted a picture in the reader's mind. Very well done.
I do hope you decide to take a few days, or even a few hours, to write a feature piece.
This is a very believable look at what it must be like to have OCD and how it might affect a young person. The family relationship also felt real, although Emma's role was a little over-the-top - but I suppose anyone could reach a breaking point and the drama or melodrama helped with the story.
The only thing I would suggest you do now, is to give it another proofreading. There were a couple of words missing and a couple of times where you made two words that should have been one word. It usually takes a little bit of time and space to catch these kinds of things.
Very good! You certainly built an increasing sense of dread and horror.
There is one place - this phrase tripped up the sentence a little: " A black mist was threatening to take over." Take over what? It just stopped short of being descriptive.
I think the other thing that I would have liked to see would be some of the discord between the husband and wife - disagreements or the feeling of ennui, or something. As it stands, there doesn't seem to be any motivation for the wife to do such a thing.
All told, though, this is a very good story. Keep up the good work!
Although it would considerably lengthen the piece, this might be improved with a description of what happened in the lab during the weekend. I could see it bordering on both the horrifying and the hysterical.
The other thought that occurred to me was that you could write a whole book on the proverbs or adages you run across. Your take on them is very comical!
Very good. You certainly laid the ground work so that a reader wants to read more. It is very well written as far as it goes.
Normally a prologue sets up some back story to give the reader some context. This one seems to set up a scene. Since this isn't a story, yet, I'll make some observations based on anticipating the story to come.
I anticipate you telling the rest of the story in two voices and distinguishing one from the other, using the italics. This tactic works well for the reader.
You were also able to not repeat the scene exactly, but to give fresh details in the second telling of it. It just may be the most difficult thing for you to keep up in telling the rest of the story, but it would be important to do.
The other thought that occurred to me, was with the last sentence, the action is going to have to heat up immediately when you do continue. It is a very strong statement.
It is a difficult scenario to pull off. I commend you for attempting it.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 12:47am on May 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
