I like this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like an argument one is having with oneself. Consciously voicing self-doubt and alternately listening to and then ignoring that still, soft voice within, which some people would call the subconscious mind.
First, let me get the dumb stuff that we all do and say out of the way. In this phrase: "And the sent of it" shouldn't it be "And the scent of it?" Ah, well, been there, done that, myself.
That said, I can't quite figure out who Anna is - maybe it will be a back story at some point in the future?
The main character, Brina, is well drawn up to this point. But, I guess this chapter, so far, isn't really long enough to find out what this character is like at the beginning of the story and how events will change her. I probably need to both see what the quest is and what motivates her.
I'm thinking that this is very short for a whole chapter, so you could probably add a lot to flesh it out?
Very good work, though. I would really like to see more!
I can see a whole lot of positive potential in this writing. Some scenes you have crafted very well. In some instances, I could envision a whole different world.
There are quite a bit of visuals that make this piece come alive.
There are some problems, however, that I think you could easily fix. For instance, a lot of the story had some pretty abrupt changes. I had no background on why the king so quickly acquiesced to the name of Saphira. It kind of didn't make sense.
Saphira had some really quick changes from being a strong warrior to being a drag on the journey. It also didn't really make much sense in the context of the story.
Gwilym was a little less defined in the beginning, but didn't seem to change him much with all of his encounters. He always seemed to be strong and did not have a lot of room to grow.
It probably needs to be a longer story so that you could work in some more of these details.
I think you have a very good start, here, but just need to flesh it out more. Might be a novella or a novel in the end.
I hope you revisit this story, it really has a lot of potential.
I'm not sure I should be the one to first rate a poem - poetry is one of my weak spots, but then for me, it's like art - I know what I like when I see it.
In this line: "Why argue whether in winter," Did you mean weather? It works with either word, but the lines above it and below it speak of nature or natural phenomena so I wasn't sure.
The first line of the last stanza might be a little weak, I may not have "gotten" it if not for the title of the poem.
I liked this poem, though. You should definitely keep writing.
This is very rich in imagery. But I must ask, are you sure this shouldn't be a poem? As a work of prose storytelling, it seems a little disjointed as it is and I think you would have to flesh it out more to keep it as such.
When I reread this piece, imagining in my mind's eye the line spacing of a poem, it made for a very nice slice-of-life episode because I had time to reflect on each observance you made.
One spelling/word note: "careering" in the first paragraph - I think you meant 'careening'
Hope this helps and gives you something to think about.
You certainly do build a sense of escalating madness.
I don't have any suggestions for changing the story, but it could be strengthened quite a bit by taking care of some cosmetic problems. I'll give you some examples, but if you revisit this piece, you should be on the lookout for more throughout it.
"Millions and billions and billion billions" should maybe read 'Millions and billions and a billion billions' - it's those little missing words that are hard to catch.
"In his excited" should probably read 'In his excitement'
"after insisting to put on fairy wings." some words were left out here - maybe should be 'insisting I help to'?
"around to here it" here should be hear - an easy keying error that almost everyone makes at least once
This paragraph was confusing, couldn't tell who was talking/reacting: "“Mr. Collins, put down the chair!” “You get the Hell away from me! You're one of them aren't you! You're crazy like the rest of them!” “We are only trying to help you, Mr. Collins. Now calm down...just come sit down and tell me everything. That's it, that's it...Good. Now what do you know of the signal.” “W-what?” “The signal, we know you know...don't act as though you can fool us.” “No..no, WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HELP!! HELP!!! SOMEBODY!!!” -Crash, shatter- “NOO! NOOO!!! HELP ME! HELP!” “Get him on the table...now...we are going to open him up and take a look.” HELP! HELP! -whirring- “What the FUCK is that!!!? Get it aw...Ahhhhhhh! Stop! It hurts! It h..." - maybe break it up into more paragraphs?
This is a really good story and I think it would be worth it for you to go through and take care of some of these cosmetic things to make it great! I hope you do and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
As dark stories go, this one is excellent. You certainly can build a sense of dread.
Cosmetically speaking, I could have used a little more white space in this piece. You've used some long, long paragraphs which was a bit distracting and made me back up to reread a few times.
I did notice one place where you wrote starring when I think you meant staring. You might want to check that out.
I think I followed this story throughout. There were quite a few sudden leaps within it. Maybe you should consider doing a longer piece on this to transition the thought patterns.
I think you have a really good writing style. Maybe you could offer up a little more of the uncertainty within the context of the current relationship. Don't know much about the groom.
You just might have the basis for a novel here. Maybe give it a break and come back to it later.
In any event, keep on writing. You show a lot of potential!
I think this should have been a longer piece. There were many abrupt passages that it took a while for me to process.
You hit many of the high notes, but a few transition details would have helped. It is not so much not about the punch line, but more about the leading up to it that would really make this both funny and poignant.
I think you should revisit this piece and do a little lead-ins or a few background material to make it a really good piece.
Keep on writing. You have most of the basics down pat.
The is a perfect story for the young set. Not too scary, not too simple. The language used is perfect for new readers - they may have to look up a word or two, but that is a good thing for their reading growth. Since it is a teenager doing this action, they might actually pay attention to the moral.
You may even want to submit this one to a children's magazine.
First let me say that you are a very good writer. You have developed characters in a very short time.
Then let me say that there wasn't much to lead into your ending. I liked the whole premise of the story, and you got close to making a reader feel like they want to read on, but there are some things you should think about.
Just because a person has a speech impediment, such as stuttering, does not mean they are slow, or backward, or cannot not function in a normal or deviant fashion. In this story, you seem to try to find a reason why everyone should sympathize, but the brother you introduce seems to treat your protagonist as a servant or victim or child that doesn't know any better. It kind of didn't make sense. There should have been more background on the brother to do this - who I suspect would be the real villain in the story if it were longer.
That said, it was a very compelling story in one sense, and I do think you should further develop it - it has the makings of being great.
You have the dialog cadence down pat. It is very convincing.
My overall impression is that there are a couple of places that were a little short-changed. For instance, the point where he made the decision that he was dreaming was a little abrupt, not jarring, but not enough back story to lead into it.
A similar thing in the last couple of paragraphs. Perhaps here is an instance where they could be broken up into several to let the the situation and sentiments sink in. Just a thought.
You've done an excellent job of evoking emotions. I think you would make an first-class Romance Novel writer, if you are not doing that already. I've only read a few books in that genre, one was pretty good, one was passable, and the other two were hardly finishable, so I may not be the best judge of that, but it seems as if you could top any of what I've read.
I don't have any real concrete suggestions for you, but one of my impressions is that this is a very long piece for the subject matter. I was interrupted many times today, so that could be a false impression, but there were a few passages that were a bit over-the-top in laying the down the background.
I hope to see more work of yours, so do keep in writing.
The only reason I didn't give it a 5.0 is that it was pretty predictable about half way through. The reason I didn't give it a 4.0 is because you did remain true to the total reversal of circumstances.
One thing you might want to watch for is that your first paragraph is very long. Very Dickensian, but may not appropriate for this sort of piece. Other than that, I don't see any problems with this.
This piece really has a lot of potential. I do have a few suggestions for you from a reader's point of view - maybe to just flesh the piece out a bit.
You do a good job of building tension, but I would have liked to see a little more terror building as the days progressed. By Wednesday, it was beginning to feel a little monotonish (don't you love making up words along the way?).
You also do a good job with dialog - I know how much I dislike talking to an algorithm, myself. The frustration of doing that seemed to commingle with the onset of the cold and was lost a little.
You certainly did paint a bleak future for medicine. I would have liked to see more of Ian's life outside the capsule - not a lot, just some things to contrast with the scenes inside the capsule. Perhaps a few things between the days would work to break up the monotone nature of the scenes inside the capsule. I don't know - just a thought, here.
As I said, this really has a lot of potential and is very well written as is, it's just missing some pieces - not quite whole.
My first reaction to reading this was: Ahhh, it must feel good to get it all out in the open - finally. I can't say that in a review, can I? Yes I can and just did.
I must admit that I like your pragmatic sense of humor. You could have gone so dark with this as many writers might have.
You've written this in a casual, conversational style, which is good for this type of piece. I would, however, caution you to pay attention to some things. Too many colloquialisms can be distracting as well as too many word contractions. Also, too many incorrect punctuation points or lack of punctuation can hinder a reader's flow of the piece.
All I can say is that you chose your pen name well!
This was a lovely way to express a remembrance. I found it refreshing that you focused on the good times and kept the hardship of living with a disabling disease to a minimum, tempting as that would be for many writers.
Such a nice description of "a day in the life of" a nurse. I have a lot of respect for nurses - I don't see how they do all that they do.
I don't have a lot to offer you about the writing, but you should know that there were letters missing from some of the words and a few small words missing, too. I assume you did a cut-and-paste to get it posted to the site, so something probably happened in the technology of it all.
I mention this so that you might keep it mind for future postings and maybe give it one final review before clicking the final 'post' button.
A very heart-rendering account of your personal struggle.
It's difficult for someone who hasn't experienced certain sorts of trials to really understand what you go through, but I think you've given a very informative account of your journey and have probably illuminated many who read it.
When starting to read it, I had visions of Stephen King's "Christine" running through my mind. Then I noticed the whole piece fit on my screen without scrolling, so thought that can't be even close to it. Although a space between paragraphs would have not only made it a little easier to read, it would have also made me scroll down some or guess about where the piece was going.
Good story. I did enjoy it and have only some suggestions for you.
I don't have many real specifics to offer you, but maybe some generalizations that you could think about.
In the first part of the story, you told a lot of the back story, but it was quite a few paragraphs before any sort of tension was intimated. I think a few of those details could have been worked and shown throughout the rest of the story to start getting to the meaty stuff a little earlier.
Also, I think you could have showed how the appearance of the zombie induced some real terror - it just seemed a little underwhelming at that point. How vague is that, huh?
Your dialog at the end was convincing and showed the point well. Since you do dialog so well, maybe some "thought dialog" at the beginning of the story would move it along better.
All in all, it was still a good story and I don't think it would take much to make it great.
So true about changing the past because your past has contributed to who and what you are today.
It is also true, that your choices today, either to make changes to your choices as they are now or to try something new, will contribute to who you become in the future.
And, for all of us, our future selves will be different from our current selves, one way or the other!
I could see this performed by a bespectacled, absent-minded professor type character on stage somewhere. Spoken loudly in a slow, deliberate, and precise enunciation. Of course, the corresponding images would have to be over-the-top, too, to make this effective. Something in nature of Wile E. Coty.
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