This is a good start. I like the idea of the story so far. My suggestions for improvement are mostly just show more than tell. I'd like to read some more description of the fire, the choking smoke and burning eyes from smoke and tears as he runs away. How does he enroll for these schools without parents or transcripts? Why a small unknown town where new people are more likely to be noticed? What does he write? Does the harmony of the birds reflect the tone of the song? If so how? What is the prayer he says? Is he wishing for his family back, a friend to help him, or just someone to talk to? Maybe the girl should be tugging on her fingerless striped gloves or tossing her blonde and black streaked hair, instead of just says she wore, or she was, explain how she wore them. Does the purple vest hang past narrow hips like she got from the bottom of the thrift shop bin or is it fitted and covered with bedazzled rhinestones like a cowgirl costume? Adding more description will give your character life and depth that just telling your reader about doesn't. You kind of hit when you talk about Tyrone falling into her deep blue eyes and the broad smile splitting her face.
Keep working! I look forward to reading more. C.M. Bryson
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cmb4620
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 8:22am on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
