The overall sense I get is of despair and ennui, and it's very powerful in some places. I also really like some of the rhyming schemes ("yesterdays and tomorrows of endless sorrows", for example).
The thing that stuck out to me are the seemingly competing metaphors. I struggled a little with understanding how the references to broken threads and murmured voices tie into the idea of "the beat goes on". I kind of get what you might be going for but it seems too vague and I can't quite pin it down; it doesn't feel tangible, so the overall idea seems elusive. That might just be me, though, as I do not read enough of this type of writing (which seems very poetic to me).
It's clear you have a poet in you and that you have a talent for imagery. Keep up the great work!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cmfraggos
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 1:29pm on Jun 16, 2024 via server web1.