Author:kiab  
Reviewer: Cobe 
I found this on the "Read a Newbie" page and it looked interesting. I'm reviewing it as part of the Sen. Mods Birthday Challenge.
Since I have never reviewed you before, you may find this more than you want or need but I use a form for chapters to keep everything straight. I tend to look at ways to tighten the prose by removing unnecessary phrases and eliminating passive voice. I also look at POV and give suggestions for keeping in one voice. Although I will pick up a few grammar points here and there, I am not much of a grammar guru or anything. Please remember that I am a writer just like you and I hope to help you make this the best it can be. Use what you can and ignore the rest. Only you know what is best for your story.
 General Impressions :While this seems to have the bones of a good story, you have included so much extraneous information that it is hard to read and understand what is happening. I think you have some good ideas, certainly, and know where you want the story to go but you need to focus on mechanics a little more to make this a clear read for others.
Characters :Sir Bradshaw - a 25 year old knight that doesn't seem to want to be a knight except in title only
Lord Sedrik - we know almost nothing about him
2 or 3 others
Usually the first chapter introduces us to the main character and maybe one other. Lord Sedrik is okay because we just get mention of him but I would choose one or the other of the man or woman and save the other one for the next chapter. The reader needs to finish chapter one with a good idea of who the character is and needs to have some reason to sympathize with them or root for them. I'm not sure you've achieved that yet.
Hook:something magical, dragons, dog-wolfs, etc
Plot :This is okay, but it gets lost in all the verbage on the page which makes it really hard to follow.
Setting :I have no idea where this is other than some woods. Add some details to give us firm setting that the reader can imagine.
Dialog :Always give each speaker their own paragraph to avoid confusing the reader and keep the conversation flowing well.
Voice:1st person, which you've done pretty well but you keep wavering between present and past tense. Pick one and stay with it.
 Suggestions:Break this up into smaller paragraphs based on actions, characters, thoughts, movement. When a reader sees a long paragraph, they skim read it automatically. If we are going to bother to write the words, we don't want our readers just skimming them.
Grammar:There are several missing words and wrong tense usage.
 Line-by-line: I've made comments on part of this but it became to confusing to sort through, so I quit. If you do a rewrite and want me to re-review it, send me a message and I'll give it a look.
Barrenshire
I gather medicinal herbs name them, crushing them in my hands before rubbing them into my arm that was bitten by the dog-wolf. I cringe as a sharp pain lances up my arm. Ripping some of the cloth from my winter cloak I wrap my arm up to avoid infection. The back of my coat now had an upside down V shape missing from the back. I gingerly sit down, being careful of my arm, my back against a great oak tree. I close my eyes. The content from this first passage is good but the flow is awkward and wordy. Try combining some of the thoughts to make your writing more concise. Maybe something like - "I crushed a palmful of hensbane mixed with bloodoats and toadlick and then rubbed them into the bite on my arm. Pain lanced all the way through my shoulder. I drew a sharp breath and muttered a curse at the dog-wolf who attacked me. Sitting down against a great oak, I ripped a V-shaped wedge from the back of my winter cloak and wrapped my wound." (paragraph) My quest began twelve nights ago when Lord Sedrik, master of my native kingdom, Harkfell, called me into his bed-chambers. “Sir Bradshaw, please come in, have some wine.” My mouth waters at the thought of the warm red wine, now, while I lie in the snow. “It has reached my interest that there are some very peculiar happenings going on the Old Rift.” Sedrik lazily lifted an eyebrow at his shoulder, pinching pinched off a grey hair from his shoulder.
“What of it Lord Sedrik?”
“There is something I wish for you to retrieve.” I began cursing, few men had escaped the Old Rift. The ones that did were too mad to remember what lurks in the dark tunnels along the jagged rocks. “To tell the truth; I do not know what, though.” what, though," he added.
“What madness is this to send a man to his doom! For what? You haven't a clue?” I suddenly felt hot around the neck. I'm not sure who is talking in this paragraph. If it is two different people, then it needs to be in two separate paragraphs.“Juan The Mad is sending countless soldiers there. I do not know why. But I want you to retrieve whatever is there before they can reach it. Bradshaw, you are my greatest warrior. I need you. Besides you have done many quests before...”
“What's in it for me?” I remember stroking my stubble. paragraph - new speaker “Whatever you find. You can keep.” paragraph Now I was interested. But this was the temptation for everything Sedrik offered me. “Very well, I shall do it. When do I begin?”
“Come morn.” paragraph I was surprised but the deed had to be done. “Very well.”
“May the gods smile upon you and fortune grace your blade.”
“Yes my Lord, as to you.” My voice recedes into the depths of my memory as sleep takes over me.
I have a dream concerning the origins of my blade. A voice as ancient as the ground beneath my feet says, “A fine blade you wield by your hip, sir.” I smile. “It wields a deceptive ability, sir.” My eyebrows knit together. “What ability do you speak of?”
“The power of the snake...” The voice trails off, I begin chasing Your characters should never be beginning to or starting to do anything. Just have them perform the act. So here just say "I chased after it ..." after it but to no success. I wake with a start. I squint as the warm rays of light weave around my eye lashes.
I stretched my cramped legs. It was time to leave the forest. I've always loved the outdoors. The soft song of the birds, the sweet scent of a thousand thousand flowers permeating the air. I love the animals, they always look so beautiful and welcoming. Even the wild ones that would attack if you get to close. While this is a nice sentiment and all, I'm not sure why it's here. It seems out of place in the storyline. I straddle over a fallen oak, running my fingers back through my wiry, shoulder length, hay colored hair. My heart leaps as the roar of a dragon cracks through the sky like a whip, albeit it's too far away to be a threat. You've given us this great bit of drama finally and then immediately killed it with this phrase. Let the reader feel the tension, heighten the mood. I love that too. I'm around eight days away from the Old rift and this is my fourth day travelling since my quest had officially begun. not needed, you've already told us about the journey earlier I look up as the chatter of birds demand my gaze. There were This is passive voice and "tells" us things. Try to "show" the reader the scene instead. two bright yellow and red birds playing played by a cherry tree. paragraph I fall into a state of solitude what does that mean even? during my quests. Often times I yearn for someone to talk to. I'm also so young for a knight. I'm only twenty-five, nearly twenty-six. I was battle-born, learning and learned how to fight from at a very young age. This is what It gave me an edge over my colleagues when we trained for knighthood. I was Lord Sedrik knighted me six years ago and Lord Sedrik considers me one of his best. I don't know why I'm always the one being sent on high risk quests. Wouldn't he want to preserve my youth if I was so valuable? But he's always sending me out to fight the dragons and hunt for treasures when I would rather be back at the castle. Sometimes I think of leaving. Just leave on one quest and never come back... this strikes me as very odd. He's trained his whole life to be a great knight and then when he's sent out on a quest he's whining about doing his job. Why did he become a knight then? Does he just want to sit around looking the part and playing with swords? I realize that I'm clenching my fists in anger. I raise my head. This would be the time for me to find a companion. I am now walking down a path, my boots kicking up brown dust. A signpost rests ahead. I carefully read the words that have been scratched into the weathered wood. Barrenshire 1 mile North East. I begin exhaling a sigh of relief when a poster catches my eye. There is an expertly drawn portrait of me with a message from The Brave telling anyone who has information on 'escaped fugitive Gared Bradshaw, Knight of Dark to come forth for the rewards will be great.' I glare at the poster with disgust. Without thinking I spit onto it with loathing before tearing it down, grinding it into the dirt with my boot. I carry on walking down the path kicking up dust as I went. I'd done nothing to upset The Brave. Nothing. I was just travelling in the woods, minding my own business. It turns out that I was 'intruding private property.' If I didn't want to be caught I had to conceal my true identity. I pick up some of the dirt from the path and spit on it to give it a sticky consistency. I cringe as I rub the mess into my face. Why would he cringe at getting dirty? I pull up the hood on my cloak to further conceal my features. I then carry on walking. Fortunately I don't cross paths with anyone on while on my way to Barrenshire. I had heard about the small town when I was a boy. I only know it is a small place but the inn's are said to be home to some of the bravest adventurers and quest seekers. All the better for me to find a companion. Finally I reach Barrenshire. There is a small inn, The hungry ferret. I smirk at the name but it looks like a hospitable inn that's clean and it also seems relatively quiet. I enter the inn and I'm greeted by a short and round lady. “Afternoon, mister. Will we be wanting a room for the night?” When she spoke there were only three teeth visible in her mouth. “Yes. If I could have a small room, that would be lovely.”
“Of course, mister. That will only be eight gold pieces.” I fish the gold from my trouser pockets. I then place the required amount of gold onto the counter. The lady offers me an ugly smile and gives me the key to my room. I thank her and bid her farewell. When I exit the inn I release a sigh and think of what I should do for the rest of the day. Then I remember the arrows that I had used up during my escape from The Brave. An old man with a face etched by hard work hobbles along a path. I reach out towards him “Old man!” The man slowly turns around, a kind smile upon his face. “Yes young one, what is it?”
“Is there a good smith here in Barrenshire?”
“Why yes. Just up the road to your left.” The old man opened his mouth as if to say something else but instead chose to continue down the path using his walking stick as an aid. “My thanks, old man.” I smooth my cloak with my hands and start. On my way to the smith, I notice that the town is quite lively. People roam the streets, constantly venturing in and out of stores minding their daily business. Eventually I spot a forge and a shop next to it. The forge is scalding hot and expertly crafted weapons and armor lay fresh by the anvil and workbench. I push open the door to the store. There are no customers. My eyes widen in surprise as all the items in the store look brilliant. Swords that were so sharp you could hardly see the blade when seen edge-on. Armor that could withstand the mightiest of blows rested around the store. There were also axes, war hammers, knives and many other weapons that lounged around the store. Two things really caught my eyes though. There was a very large quiver of arrows with some of the most amazing arrows that I've ever seen. Then there was a brilliant armor, as well. It was leather like his but it looked a lot tougher. It was equipped with a small amount of chain mail at the hem of the sleeves. Just how I like it. On closer inspection, I notice that the whole armor piece is lined with the chain mail. My right eyebrow rises as the armor is, to my pleasant surprise, extremely light. “How may I help you, sir” comes a smooth voice from behind the counter. There was a young man who must be at least three years older than myself. “Do you smith all of your weapons and armor yourself?” The man smiled. “Why yes, sir, correct.”
“Your items are of exceptional quality. I feel as if it would be a disgrace not to buy any of your items.” The smith smiled, “Please, sir, feel free.” I already begin to feel a warmth towards the man. I stroll over towards the appealing arrows. I want to know more about the origin of the arrows. “Please, tell me more about these most fascinating looking arrows.” The man removed an arrow from the quiver. Now that I could see it more clearly, I could see that the neck of the arrow was white with a grey tinge. The head of the arrow looked like onyx and seemed extremely strong. The feather at the end of the arrow was a cold black. “This,” the man smiled, “Is made of dragon bone.” I look in amazement. “The tip of the arrow is made of the talons of the dragon. Personally, I consider these to be the best arrows in the whole land. They will never break. Make sure that you always retrieve the arrows after use. They are too good to be wasted.” He said with a soft smile. I had heard of arrows like these only in tales. I knew of the immense power that they possessed. I wanted the privilege to own the arrows but was afraid of the costs. “I'll take some but I'm anxious of the cost.”
“You needn't worry. You can take the whole quiver for one hundred gold pieces.” This was an extremely generous price for such rare items. It was not cheap for arrows but I had looted lots of gold from my many quests and the price was nothing to me. I unlatch a satchel hanging by my right hip and give the man the correct amount of gold. “All yours, sir, eighty-three dragon bone arrows. Now, is there anything else you might be interested in?” I nod and head over towards a hip-knife that I first saw coming into the store. The blade was navy blue and the handle was silver. The hilt was black and had a sharp curve at the tip of the hilt. “I'll take this” I say with determination. “As you wish, sir. This will not come so cheaply as it has been fired with sapphire.” That explained the blue tinge that the blade held. “The blade has been sharpened on my whetstone for countless hours. I guarantee that the blade will never break. You may also discover other things that make this blade unique through regular use” I smile eager to discover it's powers and nod. I was impressed. I reach for my satchel once again, “How much will it be?”
“Four hundred and fifty gold pieces.” I grimace. I had enough gold to pay for it but it was expensive and I had to resort to my other satchel that was larger than the other, slung over my right shoulder, hanging at my left hip. After the money was placed on the counter, the man placed the blade on the counter. I notice that he has placed the blade in a sheath. After everything was paid for, I equip my new quiver, disposing of my old one. I then firmly tie my new dagger to my quiver belt that wraps around my body, over my left shoulder that goes around, under my right armpit. I thank the man for his service. I then look at the black leather armor that I had been eyeing before and sadly fingered my satchel knowing that I definitely did not have enough gold to pay for it. The smith took a hint away from my expression of agog. “Ah, I see you have an eye for luxury. After what you spent today I doubt that you will have enough gold to pay for it. You seem like a good travel partner, however. As of late I have been planning a short quest to retrieve an ancient war hammer. The location of it is only twelve miles east of here. Come with me and you can keep anything that you find. It should only take us a day. Also, I will offer you the armor free of charge.” My eyes flood with gratitude. Helping this man would not clash with my own quest if it was only a days worth. “I will venture forth with you with honor.”
“Very well. We will leave tomorrow morn.” I extend my arm, “Sir Gared Bradshaw, Knight of Dark.” The man extends his arm in response . We clasp each other's forearms, “Finley Mallister.” The two of us nodded and exchanged our farewells, looking forward to seeing each other the next day to begin our own quest. I leave the store and clear my mind. Tonight I have to clear my image. I'm going to remove the posters scattered around the city that called for my capture.
I finish my goat stew and take the last swig from my tankard, finishing the delicious ale. I head towards my room up the stairs and at the back of the inn. The lock to my room clicks as I lock the door once I've entered. The wooden floor thuds as I make my way towards the wardrobe in the room where I left my weapons and armor while having my last meal of the day. I put on my leather body piece and archery greaves. Tonight I would leave behind Grim and try out my new dagger if complications arose. I also swing my bow over my head so that the steel is at my back and the string comes over my right shoulder and under my left armpit. Then I attach my new quiver to the belt opposite the bow string. I pull my hood up. It's time. I'm nervous but I don't know why. I unlatch the window to my room and climb onto the roof of the inn. It's a cold night but all of my layers are keeping me warm enough. Goose-bumps still appear on my skin though. The roof is icy so I make sure to be careful as the moon is my only means of visibility above the ground. I scan for a poster and notice that there are surprising amounts of guards roaming the streets. There are two guards talking to a pretty lady. I want to hear more. I begin silently dashing towards the end of the roof ready to grab the next building's roof. I did not experience to much trouble keeping my footing in the dark. After all, Lord Sedrik Montgomery had named me Knight of Dark when I had been initiated into the Knight's Order. I was known for being stealthy which explained why I preferred lighter armor. In my native kingdom, Harkfell, I was known as the Shadow. I stretch myself fully, successfully finding the ledge of the next building. I would not be able to eavesdrop on the conversation from here. There was a small side ally between the building I was on and the one to the building's right. I drop down using my gloved hands to break my fall and slide down the eight foot drop. My boots touch the frosty cobbles lightly. I can hear the sounds of their voices now but can't properly establish what they're saying. I crouch down and begin breathing through my nose so that my breath isn't as noticeable when it touches the cold air. I dash behind a large oak barrel. I can hear their voices now, “... so make sure you shut your doors and windows securely. If you see any suspicious activity or have any information regarding this man,” I look over my shoulder and see the man is holding up a poster, “contact any of the guards immediately.” The woman speaks with a voice like silk, “As you wish, goodnight.” She begins to walk away. The two guards look at each other and then just like that, one starts to grope her back-side. The woman begins shrieking but she could never hold off two grown men. I grit my teeth and make towards the men, still crouching. They have their backs to me so I unsheathe my dagger, erecting myself behind one of the guards and kick him in the back of the knee. The blue blade opens the man's throat with ease, stifling his cry. Warm blood sprays on my finger-tips which are exposed because of my finger less gloves. The man left over abruptly stops molesting the woman and turns around. He sees his fallen comrade and bares his teeth. A war axe is unsheathed. The man, agile, lunges at me. I whirl underneath a killing blow and cut the guard's right shoulder blade. The man spits out a curse and faces me. I can hear the poor lady sobbing behind him. Fueled by rage, I wield the dagger like it was an extension to my arm. I twirl towards the guard, our blades meet and I kick him in the stomach. Winded, the man staggers. I seize the opportunity, spinning clockwise, adjacent to the guard. The blue dagger fires through the back of the man's skull. I kick him over and sheath my blade. Pulling my hood back I stride over to the lady, rest my hands on her shoulders. “Are you alright my fair lady?” She looks up, her cheeks glistening with tears. “Y-yes. If it wasn't for you to come along, another minute and they would've made off with me!” I wipe a tear away with my thumb. She asks me, “Are you the man that they are looking for?”
“Yes.” The lady does not look scared. I point at the still bodies of the guards, “Them? They are your enemies. Not me. The Brave are warranting my arrest. I escaped from them but only because it was necessary. I have to stop Juan the Mad. Fair lady, I am Gared Bradshaw, Knight of Dark.”
“My name is Kayla. If there is anything at all that you may need...?” I look down at my boots and back at her again, “Well there is. If you come across any posters put up by the Brave, take them down. But tonight go to your home. Now.” Kayla nods and thanks me once more. I have to get moving. I watch her hurry away, her blonde hair bouncing around. After I hide the bodies in a small alley I decide that it would be safest to navigate from the rooftops. I scale a wall, reaching as high as I can. For the rest of the way to the top of the building I climb it's face by using small dents and misplaced bricks to pull myself up. It's tiring work but I manage. It's a cloudy night and the moon is lonely in the sky. There! I see a poster, illuminated by a torch next to a shop. I climb down the building and walk towards the poster. I rip it down. My eyelids begin to feel heavy so I decide to make my way back to the inn, pulling down any posters that I come across. By the time I reach The hungry ferret I have pulled down twelve posters. I free-run up the side of the inn, catching onto a wooden beam before hauling myself up onto the stone roof. I make my way back towards my bedroom window. A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I see that my room is left the same way that I had left it. I take off my weapons and armor and make towards the sink in the corner of the room. The water is ice cold and refreshing. I pick up a cloth towel and wipe my face. As I lay in bed I think about my quest that is to come with Finley. My eyes close and sleep washes over me.
 These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.
I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe |
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