I had to review this one as I've spent some time talking with my brother-in-law who served almost two years in Iraq at the beginning of the Gulf War. I was the victim of a car bombing and we were able to share the experience of living through bombings.
First off, I don't think you need to add anything to this poem. I like the repetition of "I left ..." It sums everything up really well and is a great theme for this.
"I left what was right in my life
to fight what was wrong in the world." This is an amazing stanza. It says what it needs to say without any extra words. It serves as a good focal point for this whole poem too.
While I like what you're saying in the rest of the poem and the ideas of each stanza, I wish they were all a little more like this one. Clear and succinct, pointed, full of empathy and emotion, sticking. There's a little too much wording in most of the others.
"I left my school one day.
I left the University with unfinished degree
to join the Army
to serve my country
to repay a debt
a family tradition."
This is what I would do to clean it up a little (just an example) -
"I left my school.
I left a degree unfinished
to join, to serve, to repay
a debt to my country,
a family rite."
It still uses your words, and says the same thing with fewer words. Remember poetry can be anything you want it to be but the best poetry uses each word to further the point.
This is an interesting thought. When you asked for thoughts on this piece, I'm not quite sure what you're expecting but I'll get it a go anyway.
The topic is interesting and the way you've pulled the word apart is interesting as well. I'm having a little difficulty in reading it as a poem but I'm not sure why exactly. Some of the phrasing makes me stumble when I read it. There's not anything wrong with it since free form poetry can be whatever you want it to be.
As far as can we ever be significant? I have no idea. I'm certainly not significant anywhere or to anyone. I guess it all depends on who you are and who you know.
Since all you wanted to know is if we were amused by it, I'll gladly chime in. It was cute and somewhat amusing. I smiled and chuckled by the end so I guess that should tell you something. I've never thought about a kind with a whistle before but I bet it would be annoying. I kept picturing the kind from the show The Tudors. Ha!
Nice. I like how short it is. It says what it needs to say without getting gushy and wordy.
If I had to change anything, I would look at the 4th line in the first stanza. It's a little awkward in the flow of the piece. Maybe something like "argued the second" would keep flow better??
First story ... interesting and I liked it. It definitely has some suspense to it, a little air of mystery or sci fi ... but I don't think it's scary with the "police" coming to take her away. Now, if it was some entity that showed up as an unknown element and slammed her into the wall or made the sponge become hot and burst into flame as she tried to scrub the wall down, etc ... then it would be scary. Or if as she touched the wall, something sucked her into it. Fighting off the unknown is always scary. Fighting the authorities ... eh, not so much. It's interesting though that the little boy drew it at random. I liked that and her reaction is great. And I liked it overall as it is, just not as something scary. Only ??? you start with this glass shattering (great visual stimulus) but then it never reappears which makes it seem almost random. Maybe the glass could somehow act upon her while she's trying to clean?? I don't know, just thoughts as I read.
Second story ... I'm not sure about this one. It was very wordy and repetitive which made it difficult to follow or understand what was supposed to be happening. I think it might work better as a flash back rather than him telling us what happened. If we could "see" (you know the old "show" not "tell" mantra) the act of the child being born and thrown into the trap under the barn with the fetid corpse, etc ... it would be stronger and scarier. As it is, it's kind of like a drunk old man sitting on his porch trying to scare off the neighbor kids but instead they laugh at him. I think I understand where you're trying to go with it, and the story idea could be very scary but it's not there yet. Biggest ???? Why do we need all the background information about the war? I'm not sure what that adds to the story itself. I was also confused about who the ghost was supposed to be. Did I miss that?
All in all these are both great story ideas! I think the first one is far more developed than the second but I liked them both. I know in flash fiction every word needs to count so finding ways to shorten what you're trying to say while adding more depth to what we as readers see will help.
Hope this helps in some way. It's all just my opinion as I am still trying to learn flash fiction too, so if you can use it, great and if not, ignore me. Lol.
Good. It has good tone and flow, and the language is very nice.
There are two places where I would look at reviewing/changing what you have.
This is the first: "that’ll make him want me more than a flower wants to bloom." - it seems forced which makes the whole sentence a little awkward to read. It interrupts the flow of the piece which you have done so nicely otherwise.
The second is:"And it was the one thing I could never do." - I don't think you need this. I think if you left this off it would make the whole poem stronger.
Of course these are just my opinions, so take what can use. I think you've done a great job though.
I like this. The tone is spectacular. I really like free form poetry the best.
The beginning is very catchy and draws us in well. It held my attention and thought through to the third stanza ... where I got a little muddled with the line "smoked all those reds". For some reason, probably because I have no reference to know what you mean by this line, it stopped me dead in my tracks. I jumped over it though and was able to move on but you might look at some revamp to that stanza. Free form is great but it still has to flow and have a useful rhythm that carries throughout.
I love stanza 4. It's almost like a song.
Overall, I would just clean up extra words here and there and make sure the flow continues throughout and you'll have a superb piece of poetry. Remember in poetry, less is more. Words are the essence. Use them very wisely.
Well done and thank you for romanticizing this prompt. I personally tried to make it a piece on humor. My family laughed at it but how it will be received elsewhere has yet to be seen or read or heard.
I laughed at part of yours, whether you meant to be humorous or not. The part at the end, where you are definitely romanticizing standing under the Eiffel Tower with an artist and a poet all speaking French is very funny and at the same time works well in your play on the word Romantic. Lol. In my experience, everyone at the Eiffel Tower is from somewhere other than France and therefore none of them speak French at all!
Ooooooh I like it very much. It certainly creates a mood or a tone.
I like the use of the action word ending each line but carried through by the beginning of the next line. It holds together well and pulls the reader through. I read it out loud to check for flow and found myself thinking "Shakespeare". I don't know if that's a good association for you but it's a fantastic association for me.
I am puzzled by the word "wight" in line 4. What does that mean? Or is it a misspelling?
My favorite part of the whole is the last four lines. You change the rhythm of the piece there but it works well to serve as an ending and I love the line "Tomorrow when you wake you will be dead."
Oh, I was surprised as I read this. From the title I didn't expect a rhyming poem so I'm not sure how I feel about that part.
You have some great wordage going on:
shadow
clawed figure
black as night
flinches
cackle
They give great imagery and sound to this work.
Honestly, I'm not sure whether you're going for frightening or a laugh. The rhyming seems to make it sing-songy, kind of like the effect in the Beatles song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" but you're "fear" seems to only be imagined and not real. Is that what you were going for?
I think if you really want to make this scary, heart grabbing, edge of your seat stuff you should leave off the rhyming, try some free form with way more imagery and less complete sentences. Such as:
"Shadows of the clawed figure
Black as night
My heart raced
Cackles sang out
I gripped the wall ... "
Very cute. I have a culinary cat of my own so I found this amusing.
The 2nd and 5th stanzas made me stumble when I read it aloud. Maybe add a couple of syllables to the second line? or change the wording some?
I'd like this to be longer, tell us what the cat does maybe. My own cat sits on a stool at the island watching my every move. She never gets on the counter but will put the tip of one paw on the edge if she wants something I have. Bacon is her particular favorite. Maybe your cat has favorites too??
I like the surprise ending of the cat, not a tool, being your gauge to cooking success.
Happy Writing.
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