The voice is pitch-perfect, succinct and rapid-paced in a manner that makes sense given a main character who expects vampires and means to kill them. Hurried thoughts draw in the reader, communicating the tension and drawing the reader into that near-desperation where every action has to be quick and well-timed or else life is forfeit.
While the brevity and glossing-over of details suits the character and situation, the contrast of this action-driven narrative with the descriptive sections slowing down the movement of the piece is actually welcome. By stringing together several appropriate descriptions of Brandon's breathing in the beginning, you summon the impression of slowing, struggling breaths and the approach of death. Describing the vampires so vividly makes their importance in the main character's life and/or job exquisitely clear.
Rather than slow down the action, I think these segments portray the character's focus and hint at the depth of danger. Lingering on vampires' appearance and attitudes, always assessing the tenor of their words, reveals the character's mindset as much as it does the vampires' and their characteristics.
The vampires themselves are refreshingly different, sounding more like an undead abomination than the typical simply-reanimated fare. Plus, their ability to hide their true nature around humans provides the explanation for that disparity between vampire myths and the hideous reality.
Word choice and realism of the actions performed (yes, I know it's fantasy) is a hangup for me, however. I liked the attitude, the flow, and the characterization, but something seemed a little off about the whole piece. One that stands out is using the -ing form of a word when telling that a character did something: "His gaze rising...." You ought to make that an active verb or change the sentence to one that should have "rising" in it instead of "rose".
Several times throughout the piece, you have questionable actions occur. If there is some magical or otherwise cause behind these differences, you should hint at it. Otherwise, look carefully at certain instances to see how they might make more sense. Some mention that she pins his shoulders to hold him still enough to reach his mouth would be nice--it sounds as if somehow his shoulders were blocking her from his mouth.
What enables the Hunter to suck tainted blood out of a person--not just draining it through their mouth, but also sucking the tainted blood out fiirst? In our world, the vampire curse would be in the entire person, or only confined to an arm or something if it hadn't had time to spread. Now, magic changes things, but it would be nice to learn, if not HOW it changes things, at least that it is involved. Can a person transfuse blood into another just by cutting them both? In our world, with ordinary humans, the answer is no. If in this world, or for this character, it is a possibility, a hint as to why would be nice. Like saying she used her magic to move the blood, if that were the case--a simple addition of a few words to describe what permitted the action.
Hopefully, such issues as the unexplained observations and lack of personal development in either non-vampire will be addressed through the next piece--and waiting for these things is perfectly acceptable to a reader--but some things need to be clarified now.
What, exactly, was done to those vampire bones in that transformation--or, if nothing, which bones were used--to create that shape and the powerful jaw? Those stakes are the Hunter's usual weapons, right? Then why would she have one in a place where it would hamper her movement? If she wouldn't, how did it get there? All this time, where were knuckle spikes large enough to stake a vampire through the heart? Did she put them on in the fight? Have them on from the start, and how awkward woudl that be? Why is her fist better able to push a stake through than her arms (that one can have realistic reasons).
How did she catch the vampire after it had already been running for awhile? Unless she's really, really fast, or it's equally slow (which makes no sense because then how could it gain momentum enough for takeoff), it shoudln't have been so easy or quick for her to reach the vampire after watching it run for awhile. She should have had to run after it from the start, and only catch up and leap on it while it wasn't looking. Or perhaps it never had the chance to run far at all, but if this is the case, it needs to be slightly more apparent. Plus, if she's really far away, a person with that much blood loss shouldn't be walking far to reach her, blood loss or no (that's not to say he couldn't, just that it wouldn't be smart--although, in all likelihood, it is only her blood that enables him to do this, because an ordinary human wouldn't be able to very well or at all).
Is this character a woman? She comes across as a woman, but the audience will likely want to know that within the first paragraph (the first "real" paragraph--the impact of those first two sentences, that first line, is heavy in a good way, as it draws in and catches the sympathy of the reader, so I think it should be kept as-is or really close). And yes, I suck at this, myself. But some sort of trivial, offhand action like tossing her hair out of her face while she checks on Brandon could go miles toward making the reader feel like they know this character.
CAVEAT: if the Hunter is meant to seem androgynous or considers her own gender nonexistent (or if it actually is), then you can leave this aspect for the next piece. However, you would likely be best served by making THAT apparent right at the beginning too. You don't have to (shouldn't) be heavy-handed, of course, and wouldn't be hurt by leaving the reader feeling as if they know the gender or lack thereof, but wondering (any means of keeping the reader wanting to know more is usually a good thing as long as they feel they've gained enough information from what they've already read to make it [both what they've already read and the prospect of reading more] worthwhile). |
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