Your writing is really good. Fiction normally draws me so into the story that I forget where I am. I love the concept and story line that you are working towards. I would suggest to let the words flow, don't try so hard. Most people read on the "common" level and don't always understand the meanings of post graduate words. I find this true specifically with fiction, and I've read a lot.
I was almost totally drawn into this piece. Yes there are a few spelling and grammer corrections to be done, but that will happen in time. I know that when I type things they look and read much worse untill I go over then 3 or 4 times.
Keep up the good work!!! I look foward to reading more!!!!!!!! :D
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