*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/d_dauthier
Review Requests: OFF
4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Dauthier
Rated: E | (1.0)
While this a fairly nice essay about your family dog, it isn't really a story. A story will have a number of features that make it a story: plot, for one. There is not plot or storyline to speak of here. It would be as though I said to you, "hey, do you want to hear a story?"

"Ok, well, today I got on the subway to home, and after 8 stops and about 30 minutes, I got home as usual. The end."

Would you feel you'd been told a story or just given some kind of report? A story would be more like:

"Today, I got on the subway to go home, and just as we were coming to the next stop, there was suddenly a load screeching, and we all lurched forward. The power went out as we coasted to a stop in complete darkness. We all turned on our mobile phone lights to see what was going one. We heard a scream from the end of the train, and..."

You see? I know it was a lousy example, but no one could deny that a story was being told.

I would love to read another version of your essay made into an actual story.

Thank you for your efforts.
2
2
Review of Tea  
Review by Dauthier
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
I enjoyed what you are trying to do here. I have a few notes for you. The first is a cliché but nonetheless true: show don’t tell. For example, rather than mentioning the old lady’s name for the trash can in parenthesis, you could have had the old lady simply call the trash can by name. Her eccentricities could have been shown in this way. I thought her personification of the household appliances and even her arthritis would have been a good way to illustrate her loneliness, but you explained this possibility away in the story. (That said, it reminded me of an old neighbor who suffered from this disease. He would mention his arthritis with a laugh saying that it wasn’t too bad until “Arthur starts ridin’ Itis.”) In closing, I thing the best story is often the one in the reader's head. When you explain things too much, you make that potential story disappear, and all the reader is left with is what you have tried to do—for better or worse. I hope this helps, and thank you for your story.
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/d_dauthier