I agree with the others who have rated this poem. It is excellent. What a perfect description of reviewing poetry. As I write this review I am immersed in the experience you so expertly portrayed.
And now I will experience what you wrote in the last two lines:
'In the ensueing darkness
fire new stars glow on the horizon'
Okay, all I can say is wow! I fought back tears as I read of the homeless hero in this short story. Good Job!!
I tried to find more words to say,(I am a a bit short of the 250 characters I usually try to write) but nothing more came to mind other than the wow I said previously.
Hey there ♥AutumnMae♥ What a deep love you must have for this man! This poem lets us in on a very personal feeling.
There is a line that needs a little editing to improve the rhythm. In the last line of the first verse, I think you could take out the words 'I have' The flow would improve without changing the intent.
In the third verse I know you were rhyming the first and third lines, but the way you did it is a little awkward sounding. Rephrasing the sentence and still ending with the word 'forbid' would make it more poetic sounding.
This is a good poem of love that could be great with a touch of editing (at least to my mind) If you decide to edit, let me know. I can change my rating.
Hello Gothic Angel gone This piece makes me count my blessings. Among them being that I don't face being depressed when things go wrong. I was not created that way.
You do a good job of letting us know what depression is like. It helps us who don't usually face it understand those who do.
In your handle you added 'rescued by Sherri Gibson'. If it's not being too nosy, how did she rescue you? She is such a dear.
Hey Legerdemain The dream you tell of here is pretty terrifying. You transfer the feelings to us in a desciptive manner. We are traveling in the car with you as you hurtle down the road toward the horrifying conclusion that has been repeated for 25 years. This brings a shudder.
What a good poem!! It matches my sentiments perfectly. In the past few years I have had to move around a little bit, yet I am content wherever God puts me. I make each place I'm at into my 'next door to Heaven'.
I like that you end each stanza with a line that finishes with the capitalized word 'HOME'.
Thank God that we can have a happy home; so many don't.
Hello, NickiD89 What a heart-touching story you tell in only 55 words. I am leaving at the end of the week to travel 1200 miles to see my new granddaughter for the first time, so this was especially touching to me.
Hello Fad This is a good poem portraying night as having 'bad intentions'. It is very descriptive and creates vivid pictures in most parts. There are a couple places that need a little more 'punch' to them.
In the second verse, the third line is rather bland compared to the rest. I would state the temperature change in different words. Maybe, 'Chilling the once balmy air' or something of that sort.
In the last verse, the last two lines need cleaning up a bit. You wrote, "Night time has come put them to rest,
missing to this day."
There are a couple things to point out in the last lines. "Night time' could be more personified if you just called it 'Night'. It would also improve the rhythm of that line. The rest of the sentence is missing the word 'to' before the word 'put'. So that line could read, "Night has come to put them to rest'. I think I would put a semi-colon after that line. It would set off the last line a little better. (Perhaps in the second verse you could delete the word "the" from before the word 'Night'. That would also help personify 'Night'.)
The last two lines could read, 'Night has come to put them to rest;
missing to this day!'
This poem makes me hear the story you want to tell. The changes I mentioned would make me feel the story you want to tell. If you do any editing, let me know. I would love to reread this. It is worth taking time out to enjoy again.
Hello, RebelGirl nice to have you aboard the 'author ship".
What a refreshing look at life without a loving mother around. Instead of turning out bitter and angry, you turned from that to being a good mother yourself. Your grandparents must have done a good job to have you turn out as you have.
We only lose when we allow the bad things to make us angry and bitter.
This is an amusing piece about Outdoor Camp. And as for the ending, well, all I can say is (to quote your campers) "Oh gross!', "That's nasty!" Although, I am an outdoor person. That is something that I probably wouldn't mind checking out.
There are two typos to fix. One is the word 'wonder' should be 'wander' The other is, you have accidently inserted a { symbol into the text.
Hello Dave Gordon. I like this poem with it's 'classic' feel to it. It sounds like something from legends passed down by storytellers, around a fire in ages long gone.
The flow is good until the next to the last line. There seems to be too many words. I think I would take out the words, 'my curious friend'.
Or, "My curious friend, you wonder'.
The same is true with the last line. There are too many syllables. You could change 'do not' to 'don't'. Although, I know that isn't what a storyteller would probably say. It would be okay with the last line as it is.
Anyway, I like this writing. If you do any more editing, let me know. I would love to read it again.
Hi, Rebecca - expiring, I have been mentoring your aunt, ShadowMouse I saw her link to your portfolio in her Bio. So here I am. I write mostly poetry so I checked your poetry folder. I like your poem at the top. It has one spelling error. The word 'reherse' should be 'rehearse'.
Hello Maria Mize I found this on the Review Request Page. You were asking if this made sense. Yes it does. I can understand what you are writing about; A worthwhile life burned out too soon by erroneous living, so to speak.
You also mentioned that you used onomatopoeia. That is one of my favorite words to define. 'Exaggeration for sake of explanation.' (The definition is poetic sounding, don't you think) That literary device was used with the phrase 'a life worth more than a million dollars.'
The inclusion of the explanation for the Villanelle at the end is helpful to the reader.
Giving us a link to the poetry challenge this was written for is a good idea. It is supportive of the forum as well as giving readers a chance to avail themselves of an opportunity to learn new forms.
Hey, Legerdemain This is a review for the Sr. Mod Review weekend.
I like to read 'older stuff' sometimes, so I checked out this item from 2004.
This is a vivid piece. I feel I am watching a program on the Nature Chsnnel as I read the description of a hawk sitting on branch and swooping down to capture dinner.
And, I also want to thank you for all you do for WDC.
Hello Alexors- Is in hospital Welcome to Writing.Com. Good to have an addition to the family.
I found your poem on the 'Shameless Plug Page'. You said you were new to this. Well, you did a good job. The rhythm flows nicely and the rhyme is pretty good. The only things I see that need work are, in the first stanza you need a space after some of the commas. And in the second stanza the word 'sole' should be 'soul'. Also the comma after the word 'destroyed' needs to be slid over, and the space needs to go on the other side of it.
Hey Dave, this poem flowed nicely and rhymed very well.
But you left me wanting more.
It started out with the promise of vivid descriptions. We got that in the first two verses. But then there was only one more 4-line verse and a two-line verse at the end; and they didn't contain the pictures I was hoping for. I was ready to be transported as if in a dream to the place where the pixies danced.
This is a good start. Maybe you could expand some. If you do, let me know. I am ready to travel to a 'land far away.'
Hi, Write-fully Loti I'm checking out a few of your limericks. I have a hard time coming up with limericks that don't sound 'stupid'. This is a good one. I like your rhymes of 'gardens' and 'pardons'.
This is the beginning of a port raid for the Angel Army. I'm off to read another limerick.
Hey there Kate - Writing & Reading I have been reading poety tonight. I happened on this piece. It has the 'classical' feel to it. The imagery is good.
I like your transition from tall ships plying the ocean waves to ships plying the ocean floor.
You followed the parameters of the form you included at the end of the poem perfectly.
Hello the dreamer, welcome to our extended family!
This piece of poetry about hope for perfection is creative in the use of a box to keep it in.
The use of the word 'one' in the first few lines is a little confusing to the reader. I think the first two lines would sound okay, and not lose your intent, if they read "Nobody can be perfect
and yet I wanted to be."
The next two lines could be changed also and not lose intent;
"Now that I lost hope
of being perfect,"
This is good poetry. Keep writing.
Nancy
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