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11 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Long Payoff  
Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting piece, is it a serial or part of a longer collection? You have the seeds of an idea that could bear fruit. I think if you did decide to go back to it you could flesh out the scenes and narrative to show the duo's quest for vengeance, the toll it takes upon the characters, and the dark moment of the soul diving into the consequences of their actions. What is the fallout? Are the cops closing in on them? Does the gang from Touy's recruit help? Like I said there is a lot to work with here if you felt inclined to explore the depths of this dark world. Just a passing thought, but I look forward to seeing more of your work. Happy writing!
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Review of Sick Day  
Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,
This is an interesting story. I'm not sure of the formatting, I know this site is a lil finicky with formatting sometimes, so I won't mention much about that--just an observation. The story could benefit from more setting and description grounding the action into a physical setting. The second-person perspective can work for the story, but by using more sensory description you could show the action taking place as the events unfold. Really immerse the reader within the experience, draw them in, and let the tension mount and build, until the creature bursts from us and the story.

The pacing flows kinetically throughout. The symptoms and introduction of the creature could be developed more thoroughly to add a layer of authenticity and ease into suspension of disbelief. Foreshadowing these elements earlier in the piece would enhance the surreal and nightmarish elements of the story.

In places the use of over-description pulls the reader from the suspense. Look for opportunities to vary sentence lengths or stronger more active verbs. These would enhance the visceral effect and create a lingering atmosphere. i.e."Then it came in waves, coming and going like the tide of an unnecessarily unpleasant shore." instead keep the action active and match metaphors "Pain attacks in waves, surging- pulsing-throbbing. You swim against the undertow, the tide pulling you under into the depths of pain."

Like I said, this was an intriguing and original story. The piece is effective and delivers. With some refinements for grammar and syntax, it can be even more impactful. Hope this helps. Happy writing!
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Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         The story is original and intriguing, with a cast of characters that the reader wants to get to know and spend time in their world. To watch the relationships and dynamics unfold. The plot advances the story in a manner that is crafted to heighten the stakes and tension from the beginning. The character of Dawn is multifaceted and complex, existing with many layers that add authenticity and realism to the character. The world feels large, events happening upon the peripheral externally from the story, which works well, like entering a story in progress. This instantly drops the reader into the front row on a roller coaster ride. Arms up, here for the ride.
         The scene in the cafeteria could be explored, allowing the dialogue and character’s interactions to show the dynamics and relationships between the team with more clarity. This would make each individual stand out as a character rather than a talking head. Let their personalities shine through. Especially when introducing multiple supporting characters into the cast, the reader can get lost in a variety of names without having something to easily assign values to each, forcing them to re-read to get everything sorted. By taking this foreshadowing approach throughout the story, the supporting characters would be built up mirroring their codenames the reader is introduced to later because they reflect their traits/actions.
         “And Dawn left the cafeteria. Lea looked at Joe and sighed. He shrugged in response.”.-throw away line, doesn’t really add any value to the plot or characters. Context of action comes from dialogue prior and after. Avoid these filter words or toss away lines, they can hit the cutting room floor and leave room for the other stuff to shine.
         Exclamation points are rare, use dialogue word choice to convey emotion/message. Let the words do the heavy lifting in the story. A professor once quoted me somebody who said 1 exclamation point per every 100K words. This has always stuck with me, not sure where the rule came from, but it’s a good one. Placing exclamations or adverbs pulls the reader from the suspension of disbelief, creating a barrier between story and audience. There is no steadfast rule of never using them but be cognizant of their impact.
         Let Dawn’s emotions and internal dialogue build layers within her character. This shows the readers an authenticity to the character, building a larger-than-life avatar that pulls from the page. When she is introduced feels more like a list of things as she looks in the mirror. Her internal monologue which follows after about how she got her scar gives the reader a better-rounded picture of who this character is and what her beliefs/motivations are, this shows the reader the information rather than telling, give ‘em more of this.
         Clarity and pace flow through the story well. There are scenes that would benefit from slowing the pace and building the setting. The setting can be used to build the atmosphere and tension within a scene. It can be a living breathing entity of the story, give it life. Really dig into this world, the lore, the story, what is the barracks like in training sessions, explore all 5 senses, and immerse your reader in the world-building aspects of this realm. Really paint a vivid scene and milk it for what it is worth, good till the last drop.
         The scene with the Sargent comes to mind. The transition hits abruptly. Here you can build the dynamic shift between Dawn and her Sargent, the emotions she feels about Abby’s survival being smothered by the Sargent. What is happening beneath the surface for her, take the reader on the emotional wave that swells and descends. This could subtly interject exposition and tension leading into the crisis of the climax of the story... By letting the reader marinate, build the tension of the scene. Dawn’s optimism and confusion, the sergeant’s terse tone, the introduction of the new recruit, the team's reactions, all of this would make the reveal of Abby being paralyzed and removal from active duty hit like a wet towel slapping your face.
         The greeting between Arnaud and Dawn is clutch in showing the reader so much of both these characters and their ideologies through action. Both are realistic and how Dawn’s character would react to the situation adds an authentic flavor to the scene. This is excellent, give the reader more of these types of interaction between characters, it says so much more than paragraph beyond paragraph of text ever could.
         Let the dialogue flow naturally. There are places where it is jarring. Natural conversations are often filtered by perspective and emotions, never really saying what is directly on our mind. Mirror that in conversation and be creative with it, you’ll find that sometimes what isn’t said leaves the strongest residual in the reader's mind. Allow the narrative to fall between the lines, like when Dawn goes to see Abby for the second time, yes she’s concerned for her friend’s well-being, but also dealing with a wealth of powerful emotions ranging spectrum. “Dawn grinned slightly. She looked down. "I... I heard for your legs... I'm sorry..."This is played too straight. It would be a challenging conversation for her, near loss for words, the emotion a brick of cement in her throat making it hard to escape her lips.
         Once again stories are subjective, and everyone has their perspective on how the piece feels to them. This story has a lot of potential, the exploration of responding to trauma, and the aftermath of that has a lot of emotional play to it that carries a strong theme of how to heal overcome, and reach acceptance. The characters and story are intriguing. The theme of overcoming differences by becoming a team is exemplary and leaves the reader wanting to know if they can see through their differences to succeed not only in the mission but their lives. The stakes and danger are well established with the fate befallen Abbey, which adds a level of tension. Nice job. I am rating this a 3.5 because of the grammar and syntax issues. With a revision and fleshing out a few pieces, this will be a great story. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
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Review of Intruders  
Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The story is effective on multiple levels. The relationship between characters is genuine, adding authenticity to the narrative. The build up to the climax and the confrontation with the intruders is an unexpected twist to the home-invasion genre.

Mindful of the spelling and grammar, there were a couple of instances where it pulled me from the story and needed to go back over to ensure I didn’t miss anything.

Occasionally there are instances where words could be trimmed to make a stronger statement bringing the reader closer to the narrative, (i.e. As they began to climb (action-They climbed,) the old wooden boards softly creaked (the old boards creaked-description action). This technique removes the filter between the storyteller and the reader. Streamlining creates a natural vivid picture without muddying the waters with filler.

Avoid phrases like “There is a sudden, or When they reached,” give the reader the action and show their reaction. Create an ebb and flow of events, cause and effect. Allow us to witness the unfurling episode, by saying something is sudden, it strips all the gravity from the event because the surprise effect told beforehand.

There is a lot of action in the story, with colorful exciting descriptions.
(i.e.- When the first chair was toppled over, Morty and Kesser screamed in unison, slammed the door shut, went back down the stairs and into their room, and slammed their door. The latch did not stick, so Morty had to slam the door several more times before it locked, and they were safe.) Each of these actions stands alone and can be beats to interject tension, suspense, and emotion into the story. Let moments like these stand out from the page. By slowing the pace and playing with burstiness/perplexity, generates a good mix of sentence structure while maintaining clarity and variety within the narrative.

Or the few other incidents Morty and Keseer (or Kesser) encountered the intruders. These scene beats would add context and build upon the suspense of the situation. A brewing of tension and dread. I’m not sure if there was a word count on the submission, but I feel these scenes would benefit from exploration and showcase the events rather than simply telling the reader.

“After more time had elapsed and Morty and Keseer had once again settled into a peaceful rest, they received word of a soon-to-arrive visitor.”- received word from whom?

Narrative Consistency in places where events and time are juxtaposed in the story. Like the noises in the kitchen go from loud and bumps, to at the end they are ethereal and enchanting. Maintaining consistency in the narrative will help build a cohesive atmosphere and build trust with the reader and their relationship to the story.
The climax and resolution seemed slightly abrupt. It is jarring jumping into the scene with the workmen, maybe smoothing out the transitional break. And it could be beneficial to include more foreshadowing elements of these creatures and their mythology. At first, I believed them to be ghosts, then they appeared as orbs, and then mentioned creatures. I feel the ending works, just needs more meat on its bones. No pun intended.

The story overall is a creative and promising adventure of suspense. The atmosphere and setting created work well for the narrative. With some refinements and attention placed on grammar, I believe this is a compelling tale. I am giving this a rating of 3.5 stars based on the grammar and syntax that pulls the reader from the story. Great job, and happy writing!
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5
Review of Jo-Jo the Clown  
Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This story weaves dark elements and suspense seamlessly throughout the narrative. The backstory for Joey adds a layer of depth and showcases the transformation through the events that brought the clown forward. I went back and forth on whether it affects the pacing of the story by front-loading this information or if the story would benefit from layering the backstory sprinkled throughout the piece.

The story demonstrates your gift of world-building and setting atmosphere. The eeriness and sense of creeping dread enrich the tale, pulling the reader through the story. The vivid descriptions add to the suspense masterfully building to the climax of the birthday party.

Joey’s interaction with the children elicits a strong emotional reaction. The depiction of Joey lends to an almost supernatural nature, this is something that could be further explored, leaning into the bizarre nature of the events.

Some of the secondary characters pale to Joey, and understandably as to why, but perhaps adding some more details to the cast would have a stronger impact on the reader. Capturing their reactions to Joey, and the mayhem ensuing might be a missed opportunity. The resolution with Chelsea stepping into the coat is a nice touch and would benefit by slowing the entire scene down to show the gravity of her decision and resignation.

The story is a unique and suspenseful premise that is compelling and works on so many levels. A journey that ventures beyond the trope of clowns being scary, to create a terrifying jaunt into macabre.
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Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: E | (4.0)
The premise of this screenplay is intriguing. To be transparent, I am not really familiar with formatting and structure for this medium. But here are a few thoughts, toss away if ya like:

The logline grabs you letting you know the setting, goal, protagonist, hook, and conflict. You want to be as concise as possible while retaining essential information.

The setting is well established, a small isolated town, paints a vivid picture in the reader’s mind of daily life.

There are places you could simplify some of the context for clarity to generate a stronger narrative (i.e. a brilliant but troubled psychologist, Dr. Evelyn Blackwood-drop brilliant keep troubled. We can assume she is brilliant because she is a psychologist and she is being called on because she is regarded in her field Troubled makes her authentic and relatable adding a layer to her character.)

“A mysterious series of unexplainable events” reads vague, you can use this opportunity to pique interest.

The acts create a compelling narrative arc. The combination of psychological and supernatural elements blends well throughout the outline.
Tension and motivation could be explored leading to rising stakes and conflict. Possibly, Sheriff Carter doesn’t initially reveal why he’s called her back, and this makes the turning point of Evelyn’s connections even more shocking.

Highlight a few specific resident’s experiences to stand out. This would provide anchors as you move through the emotional/action beats of the story.

Act 3 should reveal Evelyn’s connection to the experiments.

During the climax Evelyn’s confrontation should elevate the stakes and overcome her challenges due to her “special set of skills”-The thriller genre trope should be included

This is an intriguing idea that is filled with potential. I am excited to see what develops. Happy writing!



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Review of Horror Movie  
Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: E | (3.5)
Elements of this story work well. The thrill and anticipation of sneaking out of the house. The Father’s lawnmower snores and Mother’s grumbles. It opens and places the reader into the setting. Give more of this, and explore the emotional aspirations of Pete’s motivation. His anxieties about sneaking out, and the tension of getting caught. It's an opportunity to build subtle tension by constructing a layer of realism into the story.

The introduction of the characters remains static. Rather than telling and listing off these characters, weave the narrative of the scene which sets a foundation of their personalities. The dynamics of the hierarchy between their relationships. By sowing the threads of tension through their relationships would build great character personalities. Show us their quirks. Make them stand out from the text in a sense of realism (also could add value to their backstory making the reader care more for these characters). Horror tropes tend to miss the mark if you lack empathy for the characters, the reader seeing low stakes in wishing they would overcome “evil” and survive the coming dread.
A subtle way to accomplish this would be through the car conversation. When they talk about movies, each personality is related to a type of feature and their interaction could show Luther’s judgments about Pete being younger and how Mutt displays respect for Pete. Also, be conscious of dialogue with overusing proper names. Natural conversations usually don’t flow like this, and it can bog down the text pulling the reader from immersion in the story. If you craft the dialogue in a fashion where the reader can follow along with the natural progression of the characters, fewer proper names will be required to keep track of who is talking.
The pacing of the story moves quickly, advancing the plot forward. At times the story would benefit from allowing the reader to simmer in the emotions. Slow the pace and let the emotion bleed from the story. Like the reveal of 3D glasses--this is a crucial plot point. Is the cinema in their town,have they gone before, has Pete been to a 3D feature, his excitement of hanging with older kids, the experience of the Phantom Cinemas (cool name tbh) and what the marquee looks/feels like. Make the setting a living breathing setting of the story.

Really paint a picture and make the theatre a turning junction for the climax of the story. The “take notice things are about to get weird” moment stands out. Another trope of the horror genre is where the natural world turns unnatural.

I usually don’t say anything about grammar and syntax, but careful with exclamation points. It slaps the reader from the story like a bucket of ice water. A professor once quoted to me: 1 exclamation point per 100K words. I don’t exactly buy it, but he makes me think twice before I use one.

The ending hits for me. The pace could be drawn out to enhance the dread and tension formed by the reveal. The meta play of horror through a monster feature being real supernatural monsters, and how we asked to be terrified by films—yet when the horror becomes real… love that! When the ushers disclose the lore of this world and that order to maintained by feeding chaotic things of the dark. How the ushers mention they were “getting antsy.” This is all great and an interesting concept to explore in more depth.
This story has potential and twists on a genre concept as a theme. I may be reading too much into that, take it or leave it. I am rating the story 3.5 stars because the concept/idea is excellent but the grammar and clarity in places occasionally pull me from the story. Some scenes could be hashed out for greater pacing, depth, and action. Overall great job, and I hope you revisit this piece because as I said there is a solid vision within the piece. Thank you for sharing and happy writing.
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Review of Unnoticed  
Review by Daniel Parker
Rated: E | (4.0)
The story is an engaging narrative that is relatable to the reader. The feelings of being often overlooked and unappreciated are themes prevalent throughout the piece. The character of Lauren is developed in a way that employs empathy for her and highlights the importance of people’s perceptions versus actions. This is something that could be explored further, subtly sprinkled in over the course of the story.

Building on the dynamic between Mr. Harrison and Lauren’s interaction, the resolution and growth of his character to compassion would shine a light on his transition from an indifferent CEO to sympathetic, creating a flowing arc. Slowly build this into a revelation from him the climax point of overhearing Lauren in the bathroom to him arrange the gift.

After the inciting incident with the coffee girl, there is an opportunity to capture Lauren’s internal psyche. By slowing the pace here, you can really pull her emotions into the light. Subtly shows her breakdown escalating through her actions. Her setting could also be used to show her internal feelings. An office with 350 people is big and intimidating. It would feel cold and hollow, sterile, vacant, lonely halls. Adding to the setting would benefit the building of atmosphere, a technique to show her emotions without being too “on-the-nose”.

The ending is heartwarming and inspirational. The story effectively touches on the theme of recognition. Lauren is an empathetic character who pulls the reader through the story, and when she wins at the end we all win right alongside her. A well-written story. I gave it 4 stars because there were a few areas where the theme of the story could be explored further and give it room to grow. Thanks for sharing, and welcome to the community. Happy writing!
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