this is hiphop not poetry but you are able to express your feelings. are you use caps so as to make the anger more expressed? if so, it does not work, it only makes your work less beautiful.
Precise concise cut and paste, so well expressed and it creates a softness in ones mind though it sparse in imagery. you have not mentioned a single colour, why? i believe a poem should be full of colours and smell and taste
good message, i however dont feel comfortable with the lack of uniformity in the length of the lines, the poem is less poetic and more like a monologue to me, you should have painted the images they see instead of saying they see they see the images, the purpose of a poem is at most to show us not tell us. keep writing and thus higher rising.
when to breath means remember, hold your breath and forget, those are the key words for me and for the poem. good work, keep writing and further you will keep rising.
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