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Review of The Fun House  
Review by David Rhodes
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is my first review of an article published on writing.com


I enjoyed the concept of the story. The ending is good, and the fact that the fun house is destroyed gives the reader certainty that Johnny and Becky are really dead. I think your writing is easy to understand, and flows naturally. The dialogues are clear, but are perhaps a little abrupt. Some of your imagery works well: "the Devil himself waiting for me in the living room", for instance.

I did think that - and I know it's a problem in short stories - your characters could have been fleshed out slightly more, perhaps during the dialogue sequence on the bikes near the beginning.

Some points: Is the fun house abandoned, or is it just out-of-season? The first time I noticed it wasn't being used was when I read about cobwebs on the microphone. Is there a reason why it's haunted? Why do people say it's haunted - did someone die here previously, in an accident perhaps?

I also thought one final image such as a Becky's or Johnny's cap or jacket in the rubble may work, or some other small thing happening to the main character to show that his ordeal is not over.

Finally, I am unsure which warning is referred to by the sentence: "without making the warning come true." Perhaps I've missed it somewhere.

I hope you find my review helpful.

If possible, I'd like a review on this short story: http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2000...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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