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Review of Simon's Home  
Review by David
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice overall piece.

What I liked:

The darkness of the story was appealing. I especially got a great feel for the alley and I can picture the man sitting there all alone. Also, I liked the flashback to the man leaving. I thought the tear on the photo, the family, and the man leaving worked well.

Suggestions:

The description of the man himself was almost too much. In the beginning, the scruffy hair and scruffy beard made me think he'd been out for a long time. But the story felt more like he left recently. The idea of him leaving recently and pretty quickly recognizing his mistake makes him more real to me. If he's really been gone a long time, seems like he really couldn't just stumble home.

Thanks for sharing the work. Keep it up.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by David
Rated: E | (3.5)
James,

A nice, vivid piece. What I liked was the overall feel of the story and its tone. Made me think of times I've connected with nature and used the time to sort out my thoughts. I can really picture the boy wandering through the woods with the girl on his mind. The third paragraph, I think, is really good and the best writing of the story. Parallel universe, perfect silence, millions of crystals, all give meaning and great texture to the descriptions. Well done here. Here are a few suggestions to consider. First, I think something is lost by not revealling the girl earlier. By waiting, we just have the imagery of the scene. There's a lot of great connection between that and a "first love" but we don't get it until the end. Consider something like, "The beautiful eyes of the girl were on his mind as he walked through the woods down the path." Link the two beautiful things. Also, I thought the reference to the minutes until sunrise was distracting. I was lost in the imagery and then that sentence kept bringing me back to reality when I didn't want to. Finally, in the same vein, I think the first paragraph doesn't add to the story. The beginning of the walk is what grabs my attention, not the getting out of bed.

Thanks for sharing this. Keep it up the good work.
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