Hi Elizabeth: Wonderful story. The pain and confusion your teenaged narrator felt was perfectly conveyed in your writing. Your writing reminds me of Laurie Halse Anderson (she wrote Speak) or Alyson Noel (Saving Zoe). I love the friend-triangle between the narrator, Kendra and Haylee and the fact that Lizzie attaches such importance to it (like any teenaged girl would). I thought you did a wonderful job with Brianna, warts and all. It was an amazing bit of writing - considering we don't even meet Brianna until the very end of the story. And the conflicted feelings Lizzie has for Brianna is spot on. My favorite line:
“You just... are perfect. I wish I was you,” he replies.
This story was excellent but in the next story you write I'd love to see the main character affect events just a little bit more (in other words, be a bit less passive). In this story, I could see Lizzie was very quietly assertive (by remaining friends with Brianna even though it meant she risked losing her other friends) but most of that happened before this story took place. Bring that out a bit more in your next piece.
Hi Luis: I thought your story was great. Loved title and the first sentence. Kudos for coming up with such a unique story too. Who would have thought that digging up carrots could be fraught with such angst and danger. There are a lot of really clever sentences here. Two of my favorites:
By one I was covered in sweat, by two I was covered in mud and by three only one carrot remained.
I walked back into my house through the rear, then back out with my dog through the front.
I also loved the way you showed Wes becoming more and more angry and unstable throughout the story – the two scenes at Scott’s house were wonderful.
A couple of small issues: Punctuation problems with this sentence: "Oh," I shouted, “so you understand me, you think that you know what is going on? Well I've got news for you, you don't, (I huffed and puffed like an angry four year old) you don't know the half. Maybe try “Oh,” I shouted, “so you understand me, you think that you know what is going on? Well I’ve got news for you, you don’t”, I huffed and puffed like angry four year old. “You don’t know the half.”
I quickly grabbed my head to keep it from spinning off, but I could not keep the ground from spinning, so I feel. Cut so I feel.
Lillie and lillies should be Lily or Lilies
On a couple of instances you switched to present tense, although it might have been internal dialogue. Either switch to past tense or use italics or something. Example: Oh how I loathe them should be oh how I loathed them.
There demise should be Their demise.
The only other suggestion I have is maybe add a sentence or two to the end. I had a little trouble visualizing the collapse of the ground and the shed – really loved the ranch dressing part though.
That was - disturbing. It was also very well written. Good job. I loved that you had Brian change the story to a bright and sunny afternoon and outside it was dark and stormy. Loved the line, "The wind blew, and there was a boy much like you Nick..." Both boys seemed very real too.
Just a few suggestions. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.
On a very few occasions Brian used words that a teenaged story teller wouldn't use - like incessant chatter. I'd change incessant to something a teenager would say. You could cut out a few lines here and there that aren't really necessary. This line for instance: “Well I have to see for myself!” Nick proclaimed, strongly stubborn and not believing his brother’s pleas. I think it would read better without some of the stuff tagged on at the end: "Well, I have to see for myself!" Nick said stubbornly. You have done a wonderful job throughout fleshing Nick out through dialogue and action - you don't really need that last bit.
Great job creating convincing and likable characters through words and actions. If you ever decide you want to write a coming of age tale, consider resurrecting these two. I liked them both very much and I'm kind of bummed at their icky and untimely demise.
Hi 4wheels: Beautiful chapter. I loved it. Your friendship with Ed really came alive on paper. Great job. There are a few grammar and spelling issues but I'll let spell check help you with that. Beyond that I only have a few suggestions. Take what you like and disregard the rest. Keep writing. I thoroughly enjoyed this.
The first paragraph of this chapter is just lovely - but I think you should change it to the past tense. "This chapter of my book was on one hand the easier for me to write..." and so on.
In the second paragraph I'd delete "now 38 years ago" - A reader might pick this up today, 38 years after you met Ed, or they may pick it up five years from now... you're not really sure when someone is going to read it. Just write the year you met and how old you were and let the readers do the math.
In the paragraph that begins: "Another point of interest" guest should be guessed.
Hi Shea: I loved your story. Your style is extremely clean and easy to read. Grammar was good. Your MC, Rei, has a wonderful narrative voice. She is completely believable and extremely likable. I really like the relationship she has with her brother. Your dialogues are great. It looks like this is chapter 2 but I couldn't find chapter 1 in your port - so I'm confused about the televangelist part - I'll just leave that part alone. Just for the record, if you slipped in a little backstory, this wouldn't make a bad first chapter IMHO.
A few suggestions for your story. Your inner dialogue needs to have italics or something like that to make it more clear that's what it is. There are also a few times when I thought things flowed more smoothly without so much inner dialogue. This looks like its going to be a great story. Please use the suggestions you think make sense, and disregard the rest. The stuff in red was the stuff I cut and pasted from your story.
In the first couple of paragraphs, I could not keep up with what was happening now and what had already happened. This was the only big issue I had with the story. It didn't help that every scene took place in a car, and that several activities are referred to: arriving, enrolling in school, finding their apartment, helping her brother move. It is a little difficult to follow. What if you simplified it...a lot:
After sixteen grueling hours of travel we finally reached the small city of Greenwood. Not a skyscraper in sight. "Some City," I scoffed.
Then go all the way to "She didn't need to know now miserable I was."
Then slide in all the activities you mentioned:
Over the course of the next couple of weeks, we found an apartment, Mom enrolled me in school, and I found out I was going to be stuck moving my brother's crap into his dorm because Mom had to work on freshman move-in day.
Then you could move to the scene with Andrew. Most of the inner dialogue Rei has about fitting in, etc. could take place in the car with Andrew.
After those first couple of paragraphs it was easy sailing as far as understanding what was going on.
Loved the part where she grabs one hanger - very cute.
I leaned into the trunk once more and grabbed a few more things. He may be acting like a jerk, but I guess that doesn’t mean I have to; stupid conscience. I wonder where building seven is? There has to be a sign around here somewhere. Looking to my left and right for any kind of instruction as to where building seven was, I decided to just follow a crowd of other people heading towards the dorm buildings. I’ll just ask them, someone will know. Cut everything after stupid conscience and replace with "I looked around for a sign or any indication where building seven was. Nothing.
I tapped a gentleman on the back that, from behind, looked as though he was probably someone’s dad. why does he look like someone's dad? maybe include description of outfit more formal than the others?
he said with a clear smile on his face. drop clear
loved her first conversation with Christian especially the part where she talks about her brother.
The only other issue I had was the when the conversation turned to televangelists - it was too abrupt. Maybe they could talk about religion first and that can remind her of her conversation with Caitla?
Hi FourWheel: I really enjoyed reading your intro. In fact, I went to your port and read the next chapter as well. Your family and your friend sound wonderful and the love you feel for them comes across very strongly in your writing. It was a joy to read. Now on to the crits. Keep in mind that I have never tried my hand at biography so take what you like and disregard the rest.
I think everything you've written needs to be said, but most of it does not belong in the introduction. To me, the introduction would be a good place to put, in general terms, what is presently happening in your life and, equally important, why you were inspired to write this book. You would be stealing thunder from the chapters that followed by putting so much in your prologue.
For instance, the info about finding your wife. If I were you I'd keep one sentence and maybe add some foreshadowing: " I've been married to a wonderful woman for six years - you'll learn more about how I met her in a future chapter." I'd put the rest in the chapter about your wife.
So I humbly suggest this:
Keep the first paragraph.
Keep the part about where your brother lives and that you miss him (move the rest of that information...about him coming to your wedding) to the chapter in your auto-biography where you write about getting married.
Move the part about your graduation to the chapter dealing with that part of your life.
Keep the trekkie part.
Highway to Heaven part - not sure - at least the part that deals with becoming a published author - you address that later on when talking about your friend who is already an author.
Move the paragraph that starts: "When it comes to me trying to write this book…" to the end of this chapter. It would be a great wrap-up to the introduction.
I already mentioned the part about getting married. Move all of that but one sentence to a different chapter.
Keep everything else.
There were a few typos but I won't get into those as spell check can help you there. I think Star Trek should be capitalized and numbers need to be spelled out, a few times you wrote "an" instead of "and".
Hi Luis: This is a really good story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Grammar was solid, POV was very well done. You also do a great job making a scene come to life. I thought the description of Looped Alley (and what happened there) was excellent. This is a good example of the old saying 'there are no new stories - just new ways to tell them'. I had only a few issues with this piece. First, there were a few instances when the transition from his younger self and his older self were confusing - I'll note them below. There were also a few bits of dialogue that came across as stilted or unrealistic (for the most part, however, your dialogue was excellent). Finally, I think you could expand on the last scene with the mother just a little as I was a little confused whether the part with the mother ended with him signing the paper or whether signing the paper was a different scene altogether. Maybe squeezing one more sentence in there might make it easier for the reader to follow that part. Below are a few specific instances of what I noted above. It might look like a lot but these are all minor nits. I thought you had a solid story here. Take what you like and disregard the rest. Thoroughly enjoyable read.
--------------
My heart jumped out of my chest as the wind picked up. - CHANGE TO HEART JUMPED OR HEART BEGAN TO RACE OR SOMETHING -The television was on but muted.
Nothing interesting was on the screen, just an old man sitting on a plain oak desk. His wrinkled face was vaguely familiar with a grin from ear to ear.
“Dan, Dan do you remember me now?” The voice once again spoke, breaking the iron grip that the television held on my attention. ---- I'D ADD A SENTENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO TO EXPLAIN WHY THE TELEVISION HAS AN IRON GRIP (SINCE YOU'VE SAID ALREADY THAT IT WAS NOTHING INTERESTING) MAYBE AFTER 'GRIN FROM EAR TO EAR' YOU COULD ADD 'FOR SOME REASON I COULDN'T LOOK AWAY.
----------------------------
My eyes were wide in terror.- POV PROBLEM - HE CAN'T SEE HIS OWN EYES. PUT SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE TO INDICATE HIS TERROR, MY BREATH CAUGHT OR MY HANDS TREMBLED OR SOMETHING -
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“What is this?” I pinched myself, this had to be a dream. - DELETE PINCHED MYSELF. YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB CREATING A CREEPY ATMOSPHERE. PINCHED MYSELF DETRACTS FROM THAT. Suddenly the screen flashed back.
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The reference to Jack must be Jack's Body. I'm aging myself by admitting I understood that but I'm not sure younger folks would get that reference
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“Oh your comedy won’t get you far, as you will soon see. But I’ll do as you wish, for now.
I promise to get off your screen for a little while. Besides I’m not the star of this film, you are.” - THIS LINE OF DIALOGUE AND THE ONE BEFORE IT ARE A LITTLE STILTED.
---------------------
“Go ahead punch another one into it why don’t ya?” My enraged mother yelled from down the hall. She was right; at least four holes adorned the walls of my cluttered room. I shudder looking at my teenage angst utopia. - NEED A TRANSITION SENTENCE FROM YOUNG TO OLD DAN OR JUST SKIP THE LAST SENTENCE SINCE YOU'RE GOING RIGHT BACK TO YOUNG DAN.
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“Your right, this all does seem a bit contrived. What is the point of this all?” - SHOULD BE YOU'RE
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I noticed that the paper had a red smear inside of it. But I dare not open it. - NEED SOMETHING HERE TO SWITCH BETWEEN OLD AND YOUNG DAN - I laid on my bed listening to Metallica. I looked so tired and hurt. But most of all, I looked young and drunk. My eyes were red and my hair flung to and fro. On my cluttered desk lay a green five subject notebook. THE PART THAT STARTS WITH YOUNG DAN CRUMBLING ONTO THE BED AND ENDING HERE IS WHERE I HAD THE BIGGEST PROBLEM UNDERSTANDING WHICH DAN WAS WHICH. IF YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE SCENES THAT PARALLEL EACH OTHER (IE BOTH ON THE BED) YOU NEED A FEW MORE TRANSITION SENTENCES SO WE CAN DIFFERENTIATE THE DANS A LITTLE BETTER. IF YOU AREN'T GOING FOR THAT, MAYBE YOUNG DAN CAN CRUMBLE TO THE FLOOR SO ITS' LESS CONFUSING.
--------------------------
I stumbled over to the notebook, sitting down awkwardly onto my yellow chair by the desk. - DROP YELLOW. THIS IS DAN'S POV AND RIGHT NOW HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT COLOR THE CHAIR IS (WHEREAS HE DID CARE, AND RIGHTLY SO, ABOUT THE COLOR OF BLOOD ON THE PIECE OF PAPER). MAYBE EVEN DROP 'GREEN FIVE SUBJECT' FROM UP ABOVE FOR THE SAME REASON.
THE ONLY OTHER SUGGESTION I HAVE IS TO ADD A LITTLE MORE SOMEWHERE IN THE STORY ABOUT HIM BEING ALONE (SINCE THAT IS WHAT HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR.)
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