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10 Public Reviews Given
30 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by DenmarkGuy
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really quite *like* this, but at the same time I found myself wishing I felt more "inside" this vignette. As a general piece of descriptive prose it's fine, but as an actual memory it's perhaps a little too "general," almost as if the narrator is just describing a memory, rather than actually experiencing it. Otherwise, good work.
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Review by DenmarkGuy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Some impressions: On the WHOLE, a powerful tribute to these important people in your life. Well-written, and I felt like I got to know some of the members of your family.

I read the essay twice, and realized something. Both times, I noticed that the first two paragraphs almost seemed "orphaned," and made me wonder "Where's this going?" At the same time, I do understand their importance, in providing context. However, whereas the remainder of the essay "grabs" me, the first two paragraphs do not... and that's important, because they provide your "first impression."

There's nothing WRONG with them, by the way; content-wise, grammatically-- they are just a bit "flat," compared to the rest of the writing.

When I was grading college creative writing, one of the techniques we often used to improve papers was to either REMOVE first paragraphs, or to MOVE them from being a "preface" to a "postscript."

I tried re-reading the essay STARTING at "Recently, my brother-in-law...." and moving the first two paragraphs either to the END, or immediately before what is now the last paragraph. In my opinion, this becomes a more powerful piece of writing, that way... it allows you to IMMEDIATELY grab the reader with the "meat" of what you want to share... and then the little "explanatory bio" about yourself provides some context, towards the end. You might need to modify those two paragraphs *slightly* to reflect that they are no longer "the introduction," but that's pretty minor.

That's just one OPINION, of course!

Cheers,
Peter
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Review of Jealous?  
Review by DenmarkGuy
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
It's a question I have started to look at with a grain of salt. Not so long ago, someone pointed out to me that the level of someone's jealousy (or not) seems to be very closely related to how "attached" they feel to the person they are with. So I (and perhaps other's who answer the same?) have to pose the second question of whether or not the answer "never jealous" is really a reflection of not ever having been "deeply" in love in my relationships....
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