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Review by Rusty
Rated: E | (3.0)
The first thing I will mention is that the formatting needs to be looked at, as a block of text it was difficult and imposing to read without the usual breaks of paragraphs etc.



Without even shoving on her slipper she slid out of the room and to the kitchen. - Little typo on the slipper should be slippers. Also this makes it seem that Selena not wearing slippers is a big occasion? If this is so then my apologies but if not then it does seem like it was mentioned purely so she could stand on the cold floor later. If this is the case then it could be omitted to keep the writing tight.


a pocket of light only contained by the angle the light bulb was hung - I didn't like this description purely because the purpose of a light is to illuminate a room not a section. I understand what you are trying to achieve and maybe by commenting that a shadow hung where the light should be or something similar would have a stronger effect.

The knife pointed at nothing. Her hand trembled. Something was there she thought and gripped the knife harder. - really enjoyed this description
In her gut she knew it was right on the edge of darkness waiting for her to make the right move - again really enjoyed this

The creature smiled crookedly then tossed his cloak around and left Selena as his hostage. - initially we are told a creature has appeared but then for the remainder of the sentence you refer to the creature as a "he" whereas "it" or similar would be more suited. Was a little confused about his cloak , was it draped over Selena to capture her ? I think this just needs to be a little clearer.


Now we change to Ben but as it wasn't formatted I initially thought it was a typo but as I continued I realised the character change.

"It's just a hologram. Thank god." Ben whispered to himself. "Thank god she is safe." - when your characters talk to themselves it not only seems unnatural but also becomes transparent that it is signalling an event

You miss out on a lot of opportunities to add some detailed description under the Ben POV which really feels like a shame.

This entire piece intrigues me and I shall be reading Part One and any others in your portfolio because the story seems interesting and definitely the type of story I enjoy. There is some need to make several changes but as an early draft this piece has massive potential. .
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