Got through the first section. Rewrote it with my suggestions/corrections -
Kate Mudd paced back and forth in her room. She had absolutely no control over children. Her youngest brother flooded the bathroom not long ago and she still hadn’t cleaned it up. Why he enjoyed watching the sink overflow was a mystery to Kate but that wasn’t necessarily her biggest worry.
Her biggest worry was something she was unsure of, something she didn't quite understand. Kate’s mother wanted her and her little brother to stay the night at her uncle's house because she assumed Kate couldn’t take care of him. Though Kate had looked at her mother with disdain, her mother was right. She'd had left about an hour earlier with the little blond demon in the back seat of her car. Kate had to stay behind and clean up Sebian's mess.
She stepped out back to check the weather. It was humid and windy. The large oak tree in her backyard waved its braches angrily. She pictured it as an old man, swinging his cane at immature bypassers. A little finch chirped as it flew out of the rose bush.
“Probably hiding from this god-forsaken storm I’m about to be forced into,” Kate said out loud.
She didn’t want to caught in the storm. Of course she didn’t. Katie didn’t want to risk being out alone. Not here, not now.
The finch chirped gain. Oddly loud for such a small creature. Was it the finch? A large branch from the great oak cracked. Katie whipped around as it fell to the ground at her feet. Where did that come from? A shadow flicked across the corner of her eye. She dismissed it and kicked the felled branch. Not that she expected it to move, but it made her feel better. She could worry about the trees health later. Now it was time to leave.
Back inside, Katie checked her parent’s answering machine. Her mothers static- filled voice said, “Honey, remember to drive safe. When you hear this, I will probably already be at Dawn's house. Make sure and watch over your…self. If you are hungry, there is some leftover beef stew in the refrigerator. Just…” her mother sighed. “try not to do anything stupid while I’m gone.”
Well, it's rejuvenating to hear she trusts me.
Her mother had always called her Honey, and until recently she thought it nice. As far as terms of endearment go, Honey was not the cleverest, and certainly overused, but she couldn't blame her mother's creativity. It was her way of apologizing for things she was about to say. (Why would she always call her Honey, but then only use it when she was apologizing?)
Kate found a small plastic container filled with a sloshy brown liquid in the fridge. She grabbed the hot pocket she'd hidden behind it. As she waited for the hot pocket to heat up, something caught her eye; Her mother kept beer in the door at the bottom of the fridge along with all her forgotten promises. Kate didn’t hesitate. She only planned to drink one... or two. Beer was good when she was stressed and right now, she was stressed to the limit. She grabbed three bottles.
Her map printed and her bag packed, she cradled the bottles in her arms, held the map in one hand, and the hot pocket in the other. She was as ready as she’d ever be. The weather was frightful. She marveled at how easily entertained she could be while still worrying about the possibility of rain. It didn’t help that her parent’s car was the rustiest, crustiest convertible known to mankind. A gas-guzzler, she could drive a stick shift better than anyone she knew. Then again, she didn’t have a boyfriend.(no idea what not having a boyfriend has to do with driving a stick) She took a bite of her hot pocket. Piping hot pizza filling scalded her mouth and dribbled down her chin. She dropped the beer bottles and the map. Her mouth was on fire. She ran inside and stuck her head under the sink. “WAAAh!” she exclaimed.
She walked back outside with a mouthful of blisters. The beer had spilled on the map, the ink smeared and unreadable. No time to print another. She was already late. She slammed the car door, cursing herself. How could she be so clueless?
As she turned onto the forest road that led to her uncle's. she swallowed the last beer and threw the bottle against the windshield. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Katie marveled at how long it was. She had only driven it once before but felt she could handle it. Maybe if she made it to her uncle's alive, her mother might finally trust her. That thought sent a jolt up her spine. No problem. (why did she print a map and why was she so upset when it was ruined if she didn't need it?)
The car sputtered, probably the worst noise Katie had ever heard in her life, then slowed to s stop. When she was sure it couldn’t get any worse, a crack of thunder shook the sky and a huge sheet of rain slammed her windshield like a scene from a horror film. She reached in her purse and prayed her phone was usable. It was. She began to dial her mother’s number when an obnoxiously loud finch flew up to the window.
What was a finch doing out in the middle of a thunderstorm? Her phone began to go crazy, lights flashed and random numbers filled the screen. So much for calling for help. The phone made a fizzling sound and powered off. She threw it in the seat next to her and stepped out of the car.
Drenched, she decided to walk. The trees rustled. She almost imagined them saying (come right in). Maybe it was the beer. Then everything tilted. Nauseous, her eyesight faded until she couldn't see. Katie swatted at non-existent grey circles and tried to keep from falling. Her head spun with the sound of tweeting birds as she slid into darkness.
**********
Lots of corrections here. Some tense issues, unnecessary words, odd phrasing. , contradictions. I don't know what Kate looks like or how old she is. I know nothing about her except she stays behind when her mother and brother leave, apparently to clean up a mess she never cleans up. She prints a map to her uncle's house, but doesn't need it. She steps outside to check the weather when it's obvious a storm is coming. She's good at driving a stick because she doesn't have a boyfriend. The good news is something happens to her and we don't know what. The car stalls, she gets out to walk - it would be nice to know how much further it is to her uncles. It the forest road a half mile long? A mile? Ten miles? That would have an impact on her decision to walk to her uncle's or back the other way.
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