I was drawn to read this poem as it's so rare to find any piece of romance written by or for people over the age of 30! It seems love and lust become redundant after 30!
Therefore, my first comment has to be thank you! It's really refreshing.
Your poem is a piece of beautiful words speaking eloquently of the changes in love as we age and mature and the pleasure still to be had and shared.
"No evening finds its heaven with stars more faithfully
Inclined -..." is very evocative. A beautiful sentence from one of many.
Hi.
I was drawn into your story. It reads very easily and flows well. I like the idea of a story being told from different angles and will try to read the other chapters. I spotted a couple of points you may want to consider, but please remember I am not an expert and they are purely my opinion.
“Why do you hang around her Tail?... Perhaps the shortened name should be Tayl or Tay. It threw me a little reading it.
...there’s a better business bureau around here…” I'm not sure what a better business bureeau is, but if it may need to be capitalized.
...She pointed the way we were going to take. maybe you could use the word route rather than way?
From a very personal point of view, you may not need to use 'she said...' ... I answered...' etc wuite as often. You use a new line for each person speaking and it's therefore not always necessary to end each speech by saying who said it. Your story reads well enough without needing the explanation.
I also think it might be worth spending more time exploring Tyler's feelings and reaction to the discrimination he and his mother encountered. I felt that the whole piece was leading up to this incident and that it would benefit from a little more reader time.
Hi I really enjoyed your poem. It asks the eternal question for which I am sure there are a million answers and none will be satisfactory. I am not an expert on poetry but I think you have used the comma on every line. I don't think this is necessary. Re-read your work and put the commas only where they have a use for example at the end of the third line. I am sure you will receive far more helpful feedback from someone more adept than I.
Magic!¬ I think your original narrative is very refreshing. I particularly like the way J Wilmot address his Royal Highness. The language instantly takes the reader to a time in history. An excellent example of the ever illusive showing not telling!
The only point I feel qualified to comment in a technical sense on is the line
request will be send to my King Charles in
Sent would be the grammatically correct word. Purely my opinion.
Hi. I appreciate this is a work in progress or even a burgeoning idea, hence the low rating. As such I wont offer a technical edit, (not that I'm an expert) but will offer a subjective review. I hope this is OK.
The story starts well. The first sentence encouraged me to read on, always a good thing! I had to read the middle part a couple of times to get it straight in my head and I was looking forward to finding out what it was your character was searching for but I guess that's the point?
The final paragraph leaves me wanting to know the significance of the item Issac has thrust upon your character but felt the ending was a little weak. Again, I appreciate this is a work in progress.
A wonderful letter. I half expected the friend you needed was yourself or your mum. As a non-Christian, I have to say I was touched by your words. A novel take on the theme. Well done. There are a couple of points, in my opinion only I hasten to add, that may improve the letter technicaly.
could help me like no one else could. Consider changing to read ...as no one else could.
I lost interested Consider changing to ...interest.
Good luck in the comp.
Regards
Di
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